Non-Coercive Parenting Part 2. & Unschooling in Perspective Part 1.
So, do you ever get tired of being asked, “what is unschooling”? Or are you someone who keeps asking but you haven’t found a person who can really put it into words for you? Neither of you are alone! I knew that before I ever conceived my son, I would be ‘educating him at home’ and so did my hubby. I never put much thought into ‘the how’ or really much thought into ‘the why’, but it only felt natural and right.
When I became pregnant, home education is exactly what I focused on…not the fact that I was about to give birth to a child! I started reading and researching everything about homeschooling. I discovered ‘unschooling’. It made sense, because that’s the way I envisioned homeschooling to be in the first place. So, I was rather shocked when I kept finding all these resources online that were VERY ’school-at-home’ orientated. I guess being an Anarchist naturally puts me at odds with any educational system or theory that uses control of/over children to ‘produce’ results (i.e. an educated child).
I always assumed that what parents did with their children on most days before they were ’school aged’ and then sent away for 4 to 8 hours a day was unschooling. I mean, I know that no one really works at teaching their children how to talk, crawl or walk (barring some special cases) — we kind of have to figure that one out for ourselves in order to be able to communicate and interact with the Universe around us. How would this natural desire to figure things out and to explore our Universe go away if we never knew school? It doesn’t go away…until you go to school. Well, it might not go away completely, because we still (most of us) desire knowledge as adults and we find very non-mainstream ways of acquiring said knowledge at times. I have to admit though, I have been damaged by the public education system and most of those who are near and dear to me can attest to the same. As adults we spend our entire life trying to over come the damage of a childhood full of punishment and praise.
Back to unschooling. Unschooling led me to John Taylor Gatto and if ‘we’ are still naming Saints, then his name should be added to that list! Unschooling makes so much sense to me…why doesn’t it make sense to everyone else. Because everyone else has more faith in ‘experts’ than in themselves, let alone their children…not to mention that most people do not view children as real people with real feelings, thoughts and rights; they are only ’second class’ citizens who can not be trusted and need to be constantly corrected and broken like some kind of wild animal.
Respecting children as though they are real people is step one. Trusting that they know what is better for them than anyone else is step two…because I hope that you know what is better for yourself than anyone else does. Not pushing one’s own agenda onto a child or forcing them to ‘cooperate’ (read: obey without question) because you are selfish and assume that because you are bigger and older you matter more than they do is step three. Step four comes after all that…it’s when true autonomy is respected…not given, because that implies that you could take it away if you wanted. When you do not forbid something, it loses it’s appeal or never gains appeal in the first place — children can and should be trusted with EVERYTHING.
Unschooling…yes, it is in all of this rambling. Once you are at a place where you are able to put into action Steps 1-4, then it only makes sense to NOT enroll your children into ANY kind of school against their will, unless there is ABSOLUTELY NO other option. Children are unschooled from birth (or conception, depending on what team you play for) and there is no magical age at which they stop learning and wanting to learn. And right now, I have to say that if you are still reading this and saying, “yeah that’s nice, but I had to endure school and I came out alright — why shouldn’t my kids be schooled too?”, I have to say you are one selfish person to even suggest that your children deserve to endure the same pain, punishment, pressure and boredom that you endured. People try to defend school by saying that it is some kind of ‘rite of passage’, when all they are doing is trying to rationalize why they are sending their children away — even when their heart aches for them to be home and even when their children are obviously not happy and not succeeding.
I think I could maybe be swayed into believing that the school system has my child’s best interest in mind and might be more equipped to care for their education than I, if and only if, the system’s own report card was not so laughable! And if I didn’t know what the system was really there for in the first place.
Ok, so fine. Hopefully you have gotten through my very biased rant and now you are asking, but ‘how’, if there isn’t a curriculum or plan or goal of some kind in place (but there is). I’ve been trying to explain this one for awhile now. I’ve been trying to really make a fairly concise description and still get everything in there…I can’t do it. But, I can give examples of it in action and I can think of some words and I can share the words of others. One mother in New York, blogs about how she wishes she could be honest about unschooling to fulfill state requirements and she has this to say (extracted from link above):
If I could write something for this IHIP that would actually reflect some of the spirit and scope of unschooling, I would focus on the following four concepts. These are concepts that we encounter in many forms every day and that seem to flow organically from Lucia’s exploration of the world around her.
Concept 1: Information is available and abundant.
Lucia will learn that her community is rich with resources. These include, among others, public libraries, museums, colleges and universities, research centers, nature centers, theatres and performance spaces, galleries, gardens, farms, and religious institutions. She will become comfortable using these resources. Lucia will identify her own interests and learning goals. She will locate and utilize appropriate resources, critically analyze and organize available information, and apply this information in the way that best suits her needs.Concept 2: There are as many ways to live as there are people on the planet.
Lucia will explore many cultures. She will find that ideas are expressed in many ways: verbal, visual, physical, and sonic. She will experience different concepts of family, friendship, and love. She will understand that lifestyles are shaped by many factors, both internal and external. She will come to recognize that there are many forms of government in place all over the world and that some are more participatory than others. She will develop an idea about personal freedom and individual rights. She will be concerned with issues of social justice because they affect her and the people she cares about - even some she’s never met.Concept 3: We are part of a natural system.
Lucia will experience her life as part of a dynamic, living system. Evolution is a chance occurrence that happens in response to environmental change. It has no direction and no goal. The idea that humans are somehow separate and distinct from other living things is sorely misguided and is largely responsible for the environmental crisis in which we find ourselves today. The earth existed for billions of years before us, and it will end without us.
But before that happens Lucia will learn that natural resources are finite. Our actions have consequences. Our consumption creates pressures elsewhere. The food that sustains us is a product of the earth. The waste we generate must go somewhere. Lucia will have the power to live as a conscientious steward of the earth. She will help her family strive to reduce our negative impact on nature’s balance. This can be a challenge in our modern, technological society. It requires thought and effort. But a feeling of kinship with nature can only enhance our experience of the world, adding texture, depth, and a sense of fulfillment.Concept 4: Everything is connected.
Lucia will notice the connections among all of the concepts above. She will see, for example, how access to information affects personal freedom, how cultural belief systems affect people’s attitudes toward the environment, how participation in government can bring about legislation to improve a community’s handling of natural resources. There are countless possibilities. And it is within these connections that Lucia’s true education lies. In making these connections, she will begin to construct new and original ideas of her own.
I can just replace my son’s name wherever ‘Lucia’ appears and I’m done…for the most part! I think this beautifully captures and explains the curriculum part of unschooling, which is LIVING A REAL LIFE and learning from it! I can not really explain it better at the moment.
“But how will they learn XXX or XXX, if they never open a XXX book or never have to raise their hands to ask permission to pee or etc.?” Well, they might not, if they don’t need to. Really, how much of what was forced down your throat during school do you remember? And more importantly, how much have you needed to know to make it ‘in the real world’? If there was a certain subject that you really loved and one that you really hated, those are the two examples that are going to come into your mind right now. The first because you were genuinely interested and the second because you were being forced to ‘learn’ something that had no revelence to your life at the time…maybe you would have been ‘better’ at say math, if you hadn’t had to ‘learn’ it until you were a teenager or out in the ‘real world’ when you needed it.
The REAL World gets a lot of attention when it comes to unschooling and naysayers. As if school is the real world! I haven’t yet come across a situation in the real world yet (mind you I am only 26 at this time), that I have been prepared for because of school. In fact, there were TONS of things that I NEVER learned in school that I have needed out here in the real world that I have had to learn post-school. This doesn’t mean that my parents and other influences in my life didn’t teach me about some of the ‘life lessons’ mentioned in the article linked to, but I wasn’t taught most of them and I can not really remember being taught them in school or if I was, the information wasn’t presented in a manner that was relevant to my present state of being. Most of the things mentioned probably shouldn’t be taught or shouldn’t be expected to be taught in schools…but really, what should schools be ‘teaching’ in the first place? I think all schools should be Free Schools — at least if children are forced into going for whatever reason they’ll have a better chance at coming out the other side practically unschooled in a public manner! Is that really possible?
I’m going to do my best to explain unschooling as this blog progresses along…be patient though, it’s not easy…like most life lessons!
On a side note: I’m fascinated by the number of Radical Unschoolers out there who are not Anarchists (quite a few are Libertarians, so that can count…I guess).
Quote:::Respecting children as though they are real people is step one. Trusting that they know what is better for them than anyone else is step two…because I hope that you know what is better for yourself than anyone else does.:::
Put a glass of soda and a bag of chips in front of a typical child, and a glass of water and an apple in front of that child, and let him or her decide what to eat.
How much you wanna bet they’ll choose the snack that tastes good, but isn’t healthy?
My point is, no, children do not always know what is best for them. That’s why we baby proof our homes. That’s why we don’t let them wander about the streets at night. that’s why we don’t let them watch violent TV, and make them brush their teeth when they don’t wanna, and make them east healthy foods, and get rest and take baths.
there is something to be said for being a parent - some 30 years older than a little child, and actually knowing a bit more about the world, health, and safety than a two year old, a five year old, and even a twelve year old.
Children are smart, they are not wise.
Giving your child the room to make their own choices is a great parenting technique, but assuming they actually know what is best for the is dangerous. I highly doubt you’d allow a toddler to play with a hot stove, or a bottle of windex, or allow a ten year old to go out, at night, unsupervised.
Comment by Anok — May 18, 2008 @ 2:49 pm
Actually, it’s the child who has been forbidden those things who will opt to choose the chips and soda and then ask for more…I’ve tried to get my kid to drink soda before and he insists that it is too sweet. I also never let other people or myself feed him that kind of shit when he was a baby…so he didn’t develop a sweet tooth. I have absolutely no problem with my child feeding himself and that’s exactly what he does. we also are self-disciplined enough to know that we are responsible for supplying him with healthful choices in food — our kitchen isn’t stocked with shit food.
We can back from a birthday part for six kids (mostly Anarchists) today and there was a cake for each of them…funny that 90 percent of the cake eaten was eaten by all the adults there and not the kids who were having too good of a time to gorge on cake.
We didn’t really baby proof our house…E’s never asked to wander the streets at night, but he is only 5…E’s really good at judging what he’s ok watching and will leave the room if what’s on TV bothers him…He rather enjoys baths, because they’ve never been forced on him…I don’t make him brush his teeth, because they are HIS teeth, but he does have me remind him to do it and then asks me to help…
From a very small age E has known that the stove is hot and has been invited into the kitchen to help cook and use knives…we would not have Windex in our house and once again, E knows that the things under the sink are for cleaning and uses them properly. I don’t know, I might ‘let’ my 10 year old out unsupervised at night — I guess it might depend on the situation in context…
Comment by michele james-parham — May 18, 2008 @ 7:47 pm
Just in case I’ve interpreted your response incorrectly, let me just give you an interpretation of what I read:
You allow your child the freedom of choice, free of any outstanding rules, but you do so within the confines or boundaries that you have predetermined for your child. IE: you allow your child to choose what to eat, but since you don’t buy junk food, the only choices he can make are those which are healthy for him. (Or, initially anyway, you may or may not allow junk food into your home now). Ultimately you have forbidden him the foods that are unhealthy for him by eliminating junk food in the first place, because you, the adult, understand that junk food is not in your child’s best health interest (or yours, for that matter).
To me, what you’ve done is stacked the deck in your child’s favor, so that he has free reign to make choices, but none of the choices provided will actually cause any harm. Not only is that an excellent parenting technique - but it is far *more* restrictive than what the average family does on a regular basis. (The average family allowing their child access to junk food on a regular basis).
That said, it does not prove in any way shape or form that a child knows better than a parent. In fact, it shows that you - the parent - are not only wiser to the ways of what is and isn’t beneficial, but more clever to boot.
There is a question however, as to just how permissive a parent should be with their child at different stages of their life. Lets say hypothetically, your son is 10, his taste buds have changed, and he has a new friend he plays with who likes junk food. He has now not only been exposed to junk food, but has developed a taste for it. Now, all he wants is junk food. (This happens, seriously). As a parent, will you allow him to gorge himself on junk food only, if that is what he wants?
Teeth present another question. You stated that they are his teeth, therefore you don’t enforce the rule of brushing them. You do, however, remind him to do so (because you know what will happen if he doesn’t). If he refused, and stopped brushing them altogether, would you allow it to happen, full well knowing that tooth decay (and eventually more serious problems) is not only painful, but will affect his ability to eat, drink, and sleep, which will negatively affect his health?
You say your son knows that the stove is hot - so does Punky (my kid) however, at a young age simply telling a child that something is “hot” doesn’t actually tell them much. You have to explain to them what that means, which typically includes a “don’t touch it” warning. Even then, young kids can’t make the correlation between “hot stove” and “painful burn” - not even if they learn it by experience. (Young children do not posses the mental comprehension of cause and effect until they older). How often did you allow your son to play with or near a hot stove without your supervision, until he actually made the connection? (Again, creating boundaries with supervision).
As an adult you and I know things about this world that a toddler, or young adolescent does not know. Even teen agers don’t posses the same kinds of knowledge that an adult possesses. It is our job to pass along that knowledge in a variety of ways so that they may learn about it, safe from harm. Sometimes that means implementing rules that may seem mean, and arbitrary to the kid. Such as allowing a 10 year old to wander about at night, unsupervised. To a fairly responsible 10 year old, going out on their own, at night seems perfectly reasonable. As a parent, and adult who knows the local well we know that at night, there are folks out there with less than ethical intentions - and it becomes a dangerous place that no child should experience. Drunks getting out of bars, and driving - perverts, kidnappers, etc…They all pose a risk that even a responsible child has not control over, and has little comprehension of.
But we do. And that’s our job.
I was thinking of a few rules that we have to implement here, because as adults w e know that the rules are there to benefit all of us. The veggie garden is a no play zone. Half of the year Punky has free reign of the yard, but come spring time, we plant food to help sustain our family throughout the year. Playing(unsupervised, I should say, Punky is more than welcome to help garden) in the garden would cause harm to all of us, because it would damage the plants that produce food that we need to eat. Punky doesn’t understand that yet, Punky is too young.
Punky is not allowed to run in the road. Or play with items that if broken or damaged would cause her harm, or otherwise cost the family in away we can’t afford.
Again, rules are not oppressive. And children really, honestly, do not know what is best for them more so than an adult will. All of the great choices your son makes on a regular basis are made because at some point, you taught him how to - because you had to instill the knowledge that you posses in order for him to learn how to make good choices. And you will continue doing that, until he’s all grown up….
Comment by Anok — May 19, 2008 @ 12:04 pm
He’s free to eat whatever he wants when we go out and when we are at other’s houses. He’s began to pick up on our vegan diet and will now ask people if the food has animal products in it and then usually opt for something that is animal free. Are you implying that I SHOULD bring junk food into my house to be absolutely non-oppressive? Why would I pay for something that non of us are going to eat? Actually, I think more of his food choices come from how we eat, where we eat and what he was given as a baby/toddler, when he couldn’t really communicate much of a choice other than I like it or I don’t. Yes, he likes the tortilla chips and veggie chips that we buy (I had to think of the most unhealthful thing here), but rarely asks for them if they aren’t here…he’d rather sustain himself on fruit, nuts, cauliflower, broccoli, chick peas, toast and dark chocolate. I don’t see him swaying from his eating habits too much in the future…I think the biggest thing would be that he will either add meat into his diet or not and yes, over the years he’s had a bit here and there and hasn’t been too impressed.
He asks me to remind him about his teeth, because when he goes for a couple of days without brushing them, they get scumming feeling and he doesn’t like that, so to avoid that he wants me to remind him to brush so he doesn’t forget and then get that yucky feeling in his mouth. He also wants me to help, because HE says he doesn’t think he does a good job. I have explained that often times (especially if ‘bad’ teeth run in the family, which they do here) if we don’t brush our teeth can be broken down by bacteria and plaque and that it can seriously hurt us. His teeth are fine for now and hopefully his good, not excellent oral hygiene will continue. There are natural consequences of not brushing teeth and E’s been told about these and will be reminded when necessary.
E also knows not to walk in the raised beds at our community garden and in our yard…because if he did so, then we wouldn’t have food. I haven’t told him NOT to, but he understands that if he does, then it will effect him and everyone. He’s chosen to be respectful and not harm our food supply.
I think principles and actually explaining things to children can eliminate the NEED for rules.
Comment by michele james-parham — May 19, 2008 @ 12:29 pm
I’m sorry, but I have to laugh at the presumption that a child’s food preferences (or preferences in general) won’t change much throughout their life. They can, and do. All kids go through spurts. But no, I wasn’t saying that you should bring junk food into your house - I was merely pointing out that by not doing so, you have, in fact, forbidden him from eating it. You’ve just nixed the need to say “no” to it.
We did the same thing, when we first had Punky. We too were vegans, and so didn’t have animal products in our home. When Punky got older, and was exposed to meat and animal based foods I allowed her the choice to eat it or not.
She ate it. And she liked it. Even though we didn’t. (I didn’t force her to, or not to, in either case - I didn’t see any need to do anything about it).
So, your son at the tender age of toddler hood could understand the concept of cause and effect with regards to the garden? I find that hard to believe, unless he is a certified genius of some sort (and he may well be). Or, was it more likely that not playing in the garden beds was an idea - or principle that you had to reinforce time and time again - you would explain it to him, and he would understand for a bit, then forget, as toddlers do. So you keep reminding him.
Either way, the “rule” is to not play in the garden - no matter how you enforce that rule, it is a rule none the less. I tell Punky that she can’t play in the garden, then explain why. It’s still a rule, and it still gets enforced.
As I’m sure it does where you are, too.
You keep stating that modeling principles will eliminate the need for rules - however those principles ARE rules - they are simply unspoken ones. That fact that it isn’t set up like a rule/punishment archetype doesn’t negate the fact that the expected behavior (principle) is, in fact, a rule.
Comment by Anok — May 19, 2008 @ 12:57 pm
I’m not saying nor did I ever say his food preference won’t change…hell, I bounce back and forth between loving and hating corn on the cob…I don’t know why, but I do. As well as anyone can predict what a now 5 year old will do in the future, I only see him either adding or choosing to not add meat to his daily eating habits.
I am unaware of my son’s IQ, but he’s well above most children and plenty of adults that I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. I assume it’s because he’s always been treated like a real person with real feelings and had unhindered space and time to work shit out…Repetition hasn’t played as much a role as you seem to think.
I’m glad you stopped by, because you’ve caused me to think about somethings and given me time to hold firmer the ideas that we have and that we live by. We are doing alright and I hope you continue to do alright.
I think I might also be done with this exchange as it has appeared to me to have become a bit more of an attack than a conversation. What you are doing is working for you and I applaud that, I deserve some applause for shit working over here too.
Comment by michele james-parham — May 19, 2008 @ 1:13 pm
No attacks - I’m just pointing certain things out. But you did say you didn’t see his preferences changing much, which is what I reacted to.
If your child is gifted, that’s great! Most kids are not, and so this type of parenting will not work for them. I’m merely pointing out the facts that something that works well for a child with superb mental abilities is well and good, but espousing these ideals as a good construct for those of us with only mildly smart children is a bad idea.
As i pointed out in a reply above^ on the other post. I think that as a parent who has done extensive research of childhood cognitive abilities, as well as developmental processes I would be much more comfortable if the notion of “rules” as being oppressive was worded differently, or some qualifier such as for *some* children.
All children are different, all children develop differently, and most children need the kind of reinforcement style of parenting we have been debating for their own health and well being, and it has nothing to do with Anarchist ideals, or societal norms. Those only exist outside of our homes - but the need for safe, happy children is something that should occur in every home in whatever way works best.
Comment by Anok — May 19, 2008 @ 1:37 pm
Don’t think it’s a fit for everyone, but I don’t think choices should be made on behalf of a child without them having a say, regardless of how rule oriented your house or not.
Our philosophy comes from a natural extension of unschooling, in which we trust our child to learn what he needs when he needs it. He learned to crawl, walk, talk and so forth up to this day without us teaching him much of anything in any sort of commonly accepted or not school-ish way. We have complete trust in his ability to know what he wants and that those wants will change back and forth as he grows. Since we also view learning as life living, it only makes sense to not hinder his learning, by hindering his ability to live — so long as he’s not impeding on another’s ability to do so.
We planted poppy flower seeds in one of the flower beds outside at home. He decided to test this theory that stepping on the seedlings would really keep them from growing and would result in no flowers (or nothing to eat if it had been say, carrots, which he also loves). Well, he now knows that it’s true for sure, because we haven’t see a flower yet and he did quite a number on the poppy area. So, when it came time for the community garden and not stepping on the plots I expressed my concern that he could damage plants and cause them to not fruit and he related back, “just like my flowers”. If that’s not understanding for a preschooler, then I don’t know what is. No one had to tell him that it was wrong or NOT to do it. The natural consequence of having no poppy flowers was enough.
Another reason our philosophy resonates with me is that I too have done much research on child development and other areas (pregnancy, childbirth). Many of the studies are done with a starting point that children are born broken, bad, sort of ‘original sin’ kind of shit and that we, the parents and society have a duty to break them and bend them to our wills. I also have issues with placing my wellbeing and daily choices in the hands of, often times self appointed, experts — who we have been able to show in many areas are not correct or not completely correct. I completely disagree that children are empty vessels without much of anything going on in their heads. I also see no reason why my trust in pregnancy, birth and the natural order of life to stop once a child is born. Radical Unschooling is only a natural extension of that trust I have. I just also happen to be an Anarchist and believe in people as inherently good or capable of good — it’s society and often times parenting that ‘makes’ them bad. Idealistic in ways, sure, but isn’t every theory and don’t our children deserve to be given the benefit of doubt.
Comment by michele james-parham — May 19, 2008 @ 3:05 pm
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