Natural Attachment

So I wanted to share an observation with you readers. I have really noticed a difference in the flow of playdates, groups and other events that involve many children…the differences between these events populated by a large majority of subculture (punks, Anarchist, etc.) parents versus those populated by more mainstream parents. The differences that I point out become even stronger the bigger the group of people involved.

Scene One: The Subculture Gathering…

• Lots of children all ages scattered to all four corners and intermingled with adults of all ages. Not every adult present is a parent, but has the capacity to act like one for a couple hours.
• You might not know where your child is, but you know where at least 12 other children are and at least 12 other adults around you know where your child is.
• Children have no issue grabbing the nearest adult to get help with food, drinks, games or going to the bathroom. They trust that person will help or will grab the closest person who can. It doesn’t have to be that child’s parent…it doesn’t matter.
• An often random sampling of adults, will unconsciously rotate in organizing group games for the kids, without being asked to…well, a kid might ask them to, but there isn’t a sign up sheet.
• You don’t hear much of, if any crying upon arriving or leaving.
• Squabbles between kids are handled by kids and whichever adult is closest…no one has to worry in these situations that the involved adult will make your child feel insignificant or physically harm them, even if they are the kid who did just hit so&so for no reason. Chances are, you won’t even know anything happened unless your kid is hurt and then like magic you are reunited with your child.
• Somehow everyone knows which kids are vegan without asking.
• You aren’t shocked when you see so&so’s baby being passed around to you and you magically know exactly where so&so is when her baby starts trying to nurse on you, even if you haven’t actually seen her up until that point.
• It reminds me of a village.

Scene Two: The Mainstream Gathering…

• Someone is crying when you get there and someone is crying when you leave, regardless of who they are or who their parents are.
• There are usually several children clinging to their parents, while their parents try desperately to have a conversation with another adult.
• At least 6 times in an hour you will hear, “mommy, so&so isn’t playing right/hit me/etc”…it doesn’t matter if your child never does this, but here s/he will.
• You are pretty much solely responsible for your child, because after all, I have my own to take care of.
• You will probably be looked at with suspect if one child hits another and you don’t send the hitter to ‘time out’/give a firm talking to/etc…whatever ‘your’ group expects of it’s members, but rather you try to work it all out peacefully.
• No one will know what your child can and can not eat, even if they have asked you a billion times.
• Games and such are usually preplanned and someone is assigned the duty of making sure they happen…because flying by the seat of your pants with kids is dangerous and chaotic!
• Babies aren’t usually passed around to give a mama a break and if so, she’s not likely to leave baby out of her sight.
• Children must seek out their own parents for help with food, drinks and bathroom needs, because they don’t usually feel comfortable with ’strangers’.
• You sort of have this feeling of needing to hover over your child…for no real reason, other than everyone else is doing it with their children.
• Adults that are present who aren’t parents might often be overheard saying, “why don’t you go find your mum/dad and see if they can help you/play with you/etc.”
• It seems a lot like a forced friendship to me and not at all like a village.

Now, before you go yelling at me and telling me that’s not the way it is with your group, I didn’t say always and in every group and at every activity. Not every group are like these examples. I happen to belong to a fantastic example of Scene One and have been a member of Scene Two many times…I have to say that while I have made many friends from Scene Two…they were really Scene One and didn’t realize it.

Oh, and it appears easier for Scene Two to integrate into Scene One, but not so for the reverse.

What about you, have you been on both sides of the fence and can report a noticeable difference? Have you been part of one of these groups and had the exact opposite experience? Did I leave out any major characteristics and differences?