That’s how I feel most days when I have to interact with other parents. Not child-free people — they tend to be more rational, because they don’t feel the overwhelming oppression to be super parents in the eye of society or the mainstream. It’s really hard to talk about what you do and don’t do without sounding like you are putting down another parent’s choices.
It’s almost impossible to impart an idea or solution when it comes to parenting, because the person receiving the idea or solution will inevitably either ask ‘why, would you do XXX’ or they immediately recoil with, ‘well, we XXX and there are just some things that we don’t or can’t XXX’. Then don’t ask me for my ideas.
It is impossible for someone to ask me about why I unschool with my son, because to do so, is to point out directly and indirectly, negatives about schooling. No one wants to be told that the problems they are having with their children are most likely directly connected to school and or the parents’ expectations of education for their child.
I can’t really talk about authentic/peaceful/respectful parenting without horribly offending another parent. We live in such a rule-bound society that to even mention the idea that you have very few or no rules, is like admitting to getting drunk and high and driving through school crossings at 90 mph! The idea of not using rewards, punishments and bribes also seems to make parents’ faces crinkle up and then ask, ‘well, what if he hits his little brother? Do I just not do anything?’…yes, of course that’s what I mean! It’s like we’ve been so convinced that nothing but shaming and punishment can express morality or ethics. I love those parents who spank/swat/slap/hit to punish a child for hitting…wow, the logic just escapes me.
And respecting a child’s intelligence and autonomy is another hot issue. You mean, you let him choose…no, I don’t ‘let’ him choose anymore than I ‘let’ my friend or husband choose. But it can not always be about your child…nor can it always be about you, the parent. It appears that most people can not and will not ever get over the whole, but I am his/her parent and they are the child — I own them and the right to direct their lives mentality. The excuse is always that they are children and do not have the mental maturity to handle certain situations and so on. Yes, but that doesn’t mean that because you are bigger and ‘more intelligent/mature’ that you have all the rights and power.Children are shorter, smaller, less mature and less experienced. It’s my job to help guide my child beyond his current state…like showing an intern around the office and explaining how the copier works…really, I am serious with that analogy.
I am guiding and providing for an inexperienced adult, who is a separate human being with his own personality, wants, needs, thoughts and pace in life. It would be illogical, rude and pretentious of me to think I have the right to make and enforce decisions on his behalf. We are in this together. What I need/want and what he needs/wants are not always the same and are not always compatible, but there is almost always a way to see that everyone is taken care of, even if it means everyone has to give a little — not that my son must give it all up, because I’m ‘in charge’. That doesn’t mean that there are not times where my ‘have to’ is paramount…sometimes there are things which have to be done and no amount of schedule arranging can occur to make it so that my son can opt out. But, I carefully examine my ‘have to’ things and see where I can change them or make them enjoyable for everyone. (a common ‘have to’ mentioned by parents is, “we have to go to the store/doctor/hair salon”). The important thing here is to limit your ‘have to’ events that would require your child’s compliance/inclusion…if limited to only those truly necessary, it limits the powerlessness that a child feels in these situations and they tend to ‘act better’ and not ’cause problems’ or ‘act out’ during these events.
I believe (or rather really want to believe) in the meme that every parent and family has to find what works for them. Unfortunately, it often appears that what ‘works for the family’, is really ‘what works for the parents’. I guess it’s really hard for the mainstream to listen to their instincts, listen to and watch their children for cues and not turn to and rely upon ‘experts’ or parenting memes. I am sure everyone has heard some form or another of, ‘I really felt like what I/we were doing was right, but XXX says that I/we were wrong…it pains me and I am torn.’ Here’s a tip, if it pains you and you are torn, then changing what you had been doing might not have been the best thing for your family.
I have a hard time of explaining myself without offending or without making the other person feel guilty. But, I have always thought of being offended and feeling guilty as defense mechanisms that should cause me to really figure out why I feel that way and to reflect on the subject at hand…and possibly change my thoughts and actions. Nobody wants to be wrong, especially when it comes to parenting, and it’s okay and totally expected that we will all screw up, but is it really that important to freak out every time someone calls you out on your ideas or actions?
So, now I will rant about a couple of these parenting issues that I see as screw ups and why…because I want to and I need to vent.
Candy/Food Bribing/Restrictions:
With all the issues surrounding food, why would anyone use food as a kind of behavioral currency? We don’t want our children to get fat, yet we bribe them with food (usually junk food) to do ‘good things’…because we wouldn’t want them to just ‘be good’ for ‘goodness sake’. Funny thing is, usually the bribing is done to coerce a child to do something that they do not want to do…would you treat your partner or best friend like that — oddly, many people do and it’s rather insulting. And the limiting of food…there is no better way to ensure that a child will ‘do nothing but eat cake’, than to forbid or restrict the eating of said cake — you can apply this to sex, drugs, TV and ‘fill-in-the-blank’ too. I mean, if you tell me I can only eat it after dinner or on Friday evenings, well I am going to gorge on it, because it will soon be out of my reach until the next ‘cake-eating-time-installment’. Elijah recently figured out that if he ate an entire dark chocolate bar, he felt ill for two days…he now limits his chocolate intake. It’s the parents’ job to set a good model by eating well and providing groceries for young children, which fosters healthy eating.
Helicopter Parents:
I don’t think I really should have to mention this, but I guess I do. Hovering over another person has to feel odd for the person hovering, as well as the person being hovered over. How on Earth are our children ever going to be competent adults when we are constantly micromanaging their every move and intervening at every sign of squabble or difficulty? If I ever have a daughter and she chooses to go to a prom or other ‘fancy dance’, I hope that she’s capable of picking out her own dress and only asks me to come along for support and a critical eye, not because she can’t make a decision without me coordinating everything. I also hope that as my son grows, he will be more and more able to ‘work things out’ among he and his friends, since I don’t always step in and do it for them. I hope when they fall down (and I really want them to from time to time), they think to stand up and not look for me to pick them up every time. It’s really okay for your children to not be in your line of sight always and forever…it’s really okay for you to relax and let them do stuff that might result in a skinned knee. More on Free Range (cage free!) Kids and Anti-Helicopter Parenting here.
I have more, but I don’t have the time. I’m just venting. I am thankful for the radical parents, unschooling parents and such that I know who ‘get it’ and don’t make me feel like the odd one. Maybe I only appreciate them, because they are like-minded and maybe that’s just okay…
I am so ‘scene one‘ that it hurts every time I try to get involved with ’scene two’. I get nervous and start doing things to my child and saying things to him that I would not do otherwise — it’s like a virus from which there is no real immunity other than avoidance. I desperately seek out others, but I always seem to find those on the fence or ‘pretending’ to be like-minded, but in reality they are really just ‘traditional parents’ who happened to breastfeed or co-sleep or whatever — not to down play those things, because I feel they are really important, but it’s hard to find other parents who are where I am (most of use are hiding!).
So, if there are other Radical Unschoolers out there who are wanting to come out from hiding and join up with myself and others, please drop me a line. Do it for the kids!
