Natural Attachment

While surfing the inter-web some time ago, I came across an article that I find needs to be mentioned here, and everywhere really. I’ve mentioned here, in little bits and pieces, my reasons for living life with my son as though school did not exist, but I find that I am really not all that articulate (and to think I am/was a poet) on the matter. I believe it has more to do with all the emotions inside of me, which stir so fiercely when I start to explain myself that I can not edge out enough linear and coherent brain-food-fodder to satisfy myself nor most of my readers — I fear it is so and always will be this way.

While this article or blog post that I am mentioning (and will name in a short moment) is one coming from a former school teacher, it ought to be known that the observations and feelings described in said post are not unique or exclusive to only teachers. These are feelings and observations that anyone who has gone through ‘the system’ or been around it for more than a couple days, can in fact relate to. These are not faults of a system that can only be pointed out by protestants of the system…those who are it’s biggest advocates will attest to many, if not most of the observations expressed in the subject of this post. For many out there, especially those who are new to unschooling (or homeschooling in general) or are family of those who are new to it, they will find comfort in the messages articulated (quite well, I might add) in the post, because it is coming from someone who ‘was in there’, once ‘qualified to teach’ and more simply, someone seen as ‘an expert’ by those who are products of the very system the post describes and who were taught from the beginning of their school lives that they, themselves, can not be trusted, but that they must trust the experts — their teachers.

I find it interesting the number of seemingly ‘with it’ parents out there, who couldn’t fully embrace unschooling, until their thoughts and feelings were validated by a teacher or former teacher. It only proves just how well ‘the system’ works and how ingrained our spirits have become with the idea that we can not trust ourselves. Thankfully, there are plenty of former school teachers out there unschooling themselves and their families, so that plenty of validation can occur

Now, without further ado, I present: The Decision to Unschool

I think that I could have written this post from over at Life Without School, but alas, I didn’t write it!

Success

by Lune, Guest Author

It has taken me a good while to arrive at an idea of success that sits happily in my own mind. And this idea may seem very ‘insignificant’ to others, because it had nothing to do with grandiose goals or achievements; it is very ‘in the moment’ and very close to the earth. I believe my success is closely linked to my thankfulness for life and therefore it is pretty easy for me to feel successful every single day. I gave up on ‘career’ success a long time ago when I managed to lift the black cloud of depression from my life. All thoughts of material success in the outside world faded at that time. They were part of the reason I became depressed in the first place.

I had found someone who made me feel inspired with every single moment of my life, just as it is. And then I had children. I think part of the wish to homeschool lies in this (selfish) desire to continue living my life ‘in the moment’ with the people who manage to do it effortlessly - my two girls.

My small successes now come in the form of staying true to myself and my inner needs and fulfilling the needs of my family, which actually all roll into one big thing. I have never really thought of it in this way before but success for me is living harmoniously and joyously with myself, with those I share my life with, the immediate environment around me and the world at large. I get to this state through every day moment-to-moment ‘being’. It is as simple as that.

I believe that this is true for a child too. I believe they have no real concept of future goals or achievements. When you look at a child engrossed with the play of water on its hands or fascinated by the movement of autumn leaves caught up by the wind, you get to realise that the only thing that is ‘real’ for them is the present moment. And left to themselves, they will become fully immersed in it, learning all they can from the direct experience of what it has to offer.

When an adult comes along to impose some kind of goal onto the world of a child, requiring that something be produced in order that it may be measured, something falls out of balance. The present moment shifts into a future expectation. The flow is interrupted. Whereas before, a child may be passionately - for instance - writing about something that grips his imagination, totally caught up in the moment and totally at one with and expressing his true self. Now, he thinks about what to write, whether the topic is good enough for the adult, if the handwriting is legible, if it is too short or too long. He may become blocked on a word he cannot spell and so on. When this happens, the present moment will elude him and what may have been something totally satisfying to the passionate child becomes a ‘product’ that he will be measured against.

It becomes a means to an end. He is doing this for someone else, not for him and him alone.

It is in this way that we learn about other’s expectations of us early on. And this translates into what we perceive as success later in life. But how often does this success correspond with what we are truly passionate about?

It is such a shame that we feel compelled to measure success in ourselves and others, though it seems that our lives are becoming more and more embroiled in how we ‘measure up’ to these definitive expectations. And one person’s idea of success may of course, be another’s bitter failure. So why do we have the idea of succeeding at all? Because it is good for society as a whole, yet hard on the individual who must strive for something that doesn’t really exist.

And we feel compelled to impose all these ideas of success on our children in order that they may ‘get prepared’ for the real world beyond school.

We falsely learn to measure our successes on teacher/authority/society’s superficial standards. Set because they are an easy way in which one individual can be compared to another. But true and meaningful successes can only be judged by us and us alone, and we should be left to discover their subtleties in our own time, in our own unique way, without impedance from an outside party. They may be something as ‘insignificant’ as getting along with other members of the family, caring for the world around us or learning how to treat other children kindly, things that could never be judged as a ’success’ by authority, as they are so hard to measure. But it is these indefinable things that ultimately define each and every one of us.

I believe that homeschooling can help our children grow up with these indefinable qualities intact. By teaching kids at home we can step out of the restrictions of enforced qualifications and other imposed measures of success and run free with children who stay true to themselves. It gives them a chance to get caught up in their own joyous exploration of life, safe within a family unit that does not define their successes for them, but is there to provide them with any help they may need in defining their own sense of self-achievement.

Lune is an English mummy who started homeschooling at the beginning of July 2008. She lives in a small mountain chalet in the French Alps with her dear other half and their two girls Bubble (5) and Squeak (2). Follow her on her blog http://quatrepattes.wordpress.com

I have tried to express these ideas to several people with the result being brief blank stares and then loaded questions about whether or not I care if my son if successful in Life. Yes, I care and care deeply, but I care about HIS success and not my idea of success — though, who knows, they might end up being similar. We do not need a pre-packaged life to feel successful — and neither do most people, if they take a moment to reflect.

Living in ‘the now’ is not just some made up hippie-dippy idea, made to make those with huge amounts of slack feel better about themselves. I am happy that I do not have a mainstream life and that happiness seriously confuses and worries people around me — as though I am settling or something…I’m not settling on anything, I am happy dammit.

I find more and more people around me (family included) that are so absorbed in this desire to please other people, people who don’t really care about them. They are so absorbed in making sure that what they do and say is in line with the mainstream, so as not to appear radical — even when their private thoughts might seriously contradict what they are doing on a daily basis.

I often times feel guilt for my success and happiness, because I see those around me who are unable to be true to themselves for whatever reason. I feel frustration, because I can’t understand why they continue to live lives that increase their debt and suffering. I hope one day they will choose to live free and be happy.

As for my son and future children, I don’t want to ever encourage the idea that what they do has to prove something and has to be used to define their worth, because to live life in that manner is to cease to really have a reason to continue living life at all.

Thursday’s Crate Contained:
2 med. heads Bibb/Butter Lettuce
Dill sprigs
1 pint Blueberries
1 Lg. bunch Flat Leaf Parsley
2 heads Garlic
1 bunch Green Onions
1 head Purple Cabbage
4 Potatoes
4 Cucumbers
3 Zucchini Squash
1 Yellow Crooked-Neck Summer Squash
1 med. bunch Kale
* 4 Beets w/ tops, that we left someone else…I like beets, but I can’t do them every week and I do not like them preserved in any way.

Bonus:
1 Huge-Ass Green Tomato from our Community Garden
4 Purple Bell Peppers from the Community Garden — gave one to neighbor & she gave us…
3 Peaches from the Farmer’s Market (one was eaten before I could take a picture!)

I made a ton of pickles last night with the cucumbers. It was fun. They were salty — have to tweak the recipe.

I decided to make Elijah and I S’mores at 9:45P this evening! For no real particular reason other than I was still upset that we never got around to making them while camping on vacation. I wish I had thought to take pictures of the gooey lot of them, but alas, I didn’t — my camera is thanking me for not stickying it up!

Oh, yeah…you were wondering how we made them? Toaster oven on broil, huge vegan marshmallows (yes, ‘Virginia’ there really are vegan marshmallows) on a bamboo skewer, organic dark chocolate and graham crackers — of course! Why I didn’t roast the ‘mellows over our gas stove (”next time Gadget, next time”) is beyond me. I like to do things the difficult way and hind sight is virtually 20/20.

I ate mine all up and then after E had taken about four bird bites of his, it was handed to me, because it was too sweet and too gooey. But, his excitement while they were being prepared was awesome! It was the first time he’s had s’mores and he was stoked.

I know, I know, there are already a handful of conference type gatherings for Unschoolers, but what if, year round maybe, there was a magical place set in a rich natural environment where we could all hang out and vacation or hell, why don’t we just all move there?

Zenmomma’s hubby Jon has an Idea.

What do you think? Let him know and add your ideas as well.

Sorry there isn’t a picture, but last Thursday was hectic for us.

Our crate contained:
2 heads Romaine Lettuce
1 head Red Leaf Lettuce
1 Lg. Fennel Bulb w/ Fronds
8 Carrots w/Green Tops
Sm. bunch Dill
Med. bunch Kale
10 New Potatoes
3 Cucumbers
7 Zucchini Squash

*Bonus
I picked 3 more Apples on the way home from picking up the CSA share!

…or at least that’s what he said to me. Pretty much since we got back from vacation and the week before we left, things have been rather askew with E. More sensory integration issues, more melt downs, not wanting me to read to him, constantly making messes with food/drinks on purpose, destroying things around him, trashing his room repeatedly, really late bed times (6 am!), not eating, eating non-stop to make up for not eating and pretty much refusing to leave the house (even to go outside). Now mind you, during all this, he was pretty much glued to the TV.

TV has never really been an issue with us, even before radical unschooling. The only real limit or control over the TV that I ever used was setting the timer for the TV to go off about 2 hours after he went to bed…otherwise it would stay on, because he’s go to sleep with it on and I’d have to go back into his room at like 5 am to turn it off — as well as his light most nights. He almost always fell asleep before the TV turned itself off and he new house to reset it if he was still awake. It pissed him off that I’d set it in the first place, but I insisted on doing it. I know how wrong this was. Anyway, I stopped doing this a long time ago.

So, while I was sitting back and watching him slowly decline over the last few weeks, I kept wondering what ‘it’ was that was causing my boy to turn into a monster! I noted the major increase in TV time and thought that maybe it was some sort of weird slow-reaction backlash on my slightly limiting TV time or something, but that explanation didn’t really fit the situation. It was becoming apparent to me that something was wrong. I tried talking to him about it and trying to figure out what was going on and why — I was getting no where other than pissed at all the messes I was repeatedly cleaning up. I was on top if I just remembered to meet him where he was…and boy is that hard on mess and problem-free days!

We finally reached a breaking point for he and I a few days ago — after he had broken a picture frame, broken his CD player, exploded another pen (for the fourth time) and finger painted with ketchup on his rug. By this time, most mainstream parents would have beaten their child, taken everything from them or at the very least grounded them from everything and everyone. I was in some sort of weird calm place and it reminded me just how much radical unschooling really does work — a strength that I really needed at the time.

We talked. It was hard, because he was both physically and emotionally exhausted. He was literally falling asleep in my arms, but trying to talk to me. I looked him in the eyes and said that he had to tell me what was going on inside of him or I really couldn’t help him. If we couldn’t communicate, then he was going to continue to break things and make messes and I would continue to be mad at the world and yell about everything. His sleepy eyes met mine and said something to the effect of, “it’s all wrong…I just get so upset…I want to watch TV, but I get so bored and tired and hungry, but I don’t eat or sleep because I want to watch TV and then I get all crazy like I do when I don’t eat and I just do stuff [break things, make messes] and then I feel bad and…and…and…I think my TV is destroying me”. I stared blankly at him for a second and then asked him what HE thought WE should do about it. He told me to remove his TV from his room and he’d go from there. Then he promptly fell asleep in my arms.

“I think my TV is destroying me” WOW, it’s hard enough to get grown adults addicted to heroin to admit that smack is destroying them, but for a 4 (almost 5) year old to be able to conceptualize a connection between A (his TV) and it’s effect on B (his happiness and health), well it’s fucking amazing. Who says children don’t know what’s good for them. The best part of this for me (and him) is that he found this out on his own and in a safe & loving environment. He tested himself, his limits (mine too!), reacted poorly and was able to notice that and make the connection. While he was asleep, daddy removed the TV and satellite box from his room and stashed it out of site.

The next day (like with a drug addict and withdrawals) was hard. For me. For E. He was upset that his TV was gone, but remembered what we talked about and wanted to feel better. It was a tough day and I was not very successful at getting him to eat any ‘real’ food. I literally was with him, right by his side, all day, until about 11 pm when he wanted me to read to him and he fell asleep within 5 minutes — after he insisted that he was bored and not tired and that he wanted his TV back.

Monday was day 5 with no TV. He’s been eating, only made a couple messes (out of frustration and boredom) , I’ve been reading to him every night, he’s been in bed and asleep by 11:30 every night (crazy), he’s slowly been able to entertain himself for more than 5 minute increments and we’ve been outside a lot and gone places and done things!

I can not imagine where this would have lead to or what would have happened if I was not me and I wasn’t trying to be a mindful parent or if I didn’t fully believe in radical unschooling. I know many people would say that it would never have happened if I had limits or coercively controlled things more, but I fear just how destructive things would have been for everyone if that were the case. E takes after me and doesn’t do well with any sort arbitrary or unnecessary limitations — I was a ‘terrible’ child and apparently never thought about anyone but myself…when in reality, I felt trapped, helpless, powerless and like very few people cared about me, while I cared about everyone and everything.

It’s nice to be able to have these experiences, talk about them, find solutions and move on, instead of dwelling on them for years to come.

Life is Good.

Creating Child-friendly Anarchist Space:

HOW TO SUPPORT PARENTS’ & CHILDREN’S PARTICIPATION @ ANARCHIST GATHERINGS

(Suggestions and tips from various parents on the Anarchist Parenting List Serv)

In today’s crate:
6 Zucchini Squash
2 Yellow Crooked-Neck Summer Squash
1 bunch Parsley
Med. bunch Red Chard
1 Green Onion
1 med. Fennel Bulb w/ Fronds
10 New Potatoes
1 lg. Romaine Lettuce
1 lg. Red Leaf Lettuce
12 Squash Blossoms
*5 Beets w/ tops, but we gave them away, because I still have a couple from last week!

Bonus: 2 Green Apples
We picked four green apples from a neighbor’s yard, but gave two to our friends when we saw them picking up their CSA share

Here are some of the pictures from the Picnic that were taken by Marie. I’ll have more up here soon.

Anarchist Picnic 2008