…or at least that’s what he said to me. Pretty much since we got back from vacation and the week before we left, things have been rather askew with E. More sensory integration issues, more melt downs, not wanting me to read to him, constantly making messes with food/drinks on purpose, destroying things around him, trashing his room repeatedly, really late bed times (6 am!), not eating, eating non-stop to make up for not eating and pretty much refusing to leave the house (even to go outside). Now mind you, during all this, he was pretty much glued to the TV.
TV has never really been an issue with us, even before radical unschooling. The only real limit or control over the TV that I ever used was setting the timer for the TV to go off about 2 hours after he went to bed…otherwise it would stay on, because he’d go to sleep with it on and I’d have to go back into his room at like 5 am to turn it off — as well as his light most nights. He almost always fell asleep before the TV turned itself off and he knew how to reset it if he was still awake. It pissed him off that I’d set it in the first place, but I insisted on doing it. I know how wrong this was. Anyway, I stopped doing this a long time ago.
So, while I was sitting back and watching him slowly decline over the last few weeks, I kept wondering what ‘it’ was that was causing my boy to turn into a monster! I noted the major increase in TV time and thought that maybe it was some sort of weird slow-reaction backlash on my slightly limiting TV time or something, but that explanation didn’t really fit the situation. It was becoming apparent to me that something was wrong. I tried talking to him about it and trying to figure out what was going on and why — I was getting no where other than pissed at all the messes I was repeatedly cleaning up. I was on top if I just remembered to meet him where he was…and boy is that hard on mess and problem-free days!
We finally reached a breaking point for he and I a few days ago — after he had broken a picture frame, broken his CD player, exploded another pen (for the fourth time) and finger painted with ketchup on his rug. By this time, most mainstream parents would have beaten their child, taken everything from them or at the very least grounded them from everything and everyone. I was in some sort of weird calm place and it reminded me just how much radical unschooling really does work — a strength that I really needed at the time.
We talked. It was hard, because he was both physically and emotionally exhausted. He was literally falling asleep in my arms, but trying to talk to me. I looked him in the eyes and said that he had to tell me what was going on inside of him or I really couldn’t help him. If we couldn’t communicate, then he was going to continue to break things and make messes and I would continue to be mad at the world and yell about everything. His sleepy eyes met mine and said something to the effect of, “it’s all wrong…I just get so upset…I want to watch TV, but I get so bored and tired and hungry, but I don’t eat or sleep because I want to watch TV and then I get all crazy like I do when I don’t eat and I just do stuff [break things, make messes] and then I feel bad and…and…and…I think my TV is destroying me”. I stared blankly at him for a second and then asked him what HE thought WE should do about it. He told me to remove his TV from his room and he’d go from there. Then he promptly fell asleep in my arms.
“I think my TV is destroying me” WOW, it’s hard enough to get grown adults addicted to heroin to admit that smack is destroying them, but for a 4 (almost 5) year old to be able to conceptualize a connection between A (his TV) and it’s effect on B (his happiness and health), well it’s fucking amazing. Who says children don’t know what’s good for them. The best part of this for me (and him) is that he found this out on his own and in a safe & loving environment. He tested himself, his limits (mine too!), reacted poorly and was able to notice that and make the connection. While he was asleep, daddy removed the TV and satellite box from his room and stashed it out of site.
The next day (like with a drug addict and withdrawals) was hard. For me. For E. He was upset that his TV was gone, but remembered what we talked about and wanted to feel better. It was a tough day and I was not very successful at getting him to eat any ‘real’ food. I literally was with him, right by his side, all day, until about 11 pm when he wanted me to read to him and he fell asleep within 5 minutes — after he insisted that he was bored and not tired and that he wanted his TV back.
Monday was day 5 with no TV. He’s been eating, only made a couple messes (out of frustration and boredom) , I’ve been reading to him every night, he’s been in bed and asleep by 11:30 every night (crazy), he’s slowly been able to entertain himself for more than 5 minute increments and we’ve been outside a lot and gone places and done things!
I can not imagine where this would have lead to or what would have happened if I was not me and I wasn’t trying to be a mindful parent or if I didn’t fully believe in radical unschooling. I know many people would say that it would never have happened if I had limits or coercively controlled things more, but I fear just how destructive things would have been for everyone if that were the case. E takes after me and doesn’t do well with any sort arbitrary or unnecessary limitations — I was a ‘terrible’ child and apparently never thought about anyone but myself…when in reality, I felt trapped, helpless, powerless and like very few people cared about me, while I cared about everyone and everything.
It’s nice to be able to have these experiences, talk about them, find solutions and move on, instead of dwelling on them for years to come.
Life is Good.
