Sharing is Caring
Should your child (or mine) *have to* share? No.
Do you or I *have to* share? No.
I’ve been thinking this idea over for some time now and I’ve felt pulled both ways for various reasons. I’ve spent the last few months trying to keep my mouth shut when Elijah and I are with other people and their children. When E and a friend start to argue over the use or ownership of a toy. I was more interested in what the other adults had to say and thought to do, rather than what the children might end up doing.
Believe me it is hard to keep your mouth shut, especially when you get the feeling that the other parent is drilling holes into your head with his/her eyes, because you are not ‘making’ your child share. Somehow, I have made it through this with all my wits still together.
Because I respect my son’s feelings, personal autonomy and of course his personal belongings, I don’t ‘make’ him share. If something is his (meaning it belongs to him, was purchased by or for him, etc.) then he has the right to share or not share it and to do so with or without a reason — that reason need not be ‘acceptable’ to anyone but himself either.
I know that I have said no to my friends on plenty of occasions when they’ve asked to borrow something. I’ve always been respected and no one has even tried to make me feel awkward or shameful for not lending or giving something out. Does my son or your children not deserve this same social arrangement, respect of personal property and autonomy?
In my search online to find other parents’ ideas about sharing and whether or not it really is caring, I found a wonderful article by Ela Forest (majikfaerie) and in it Ela speaks about how she handles sharing with her daughter Sequoia Littletree. The article sums up exactly how I feel about the subject. Enjoy.
I think it’s very difficult to share with people who would like to force you to. It makes me feel suspicious that the share enforcer might keep my belongings.
I had an interesting thing happen to me in college. A girl stole one of my stuffed animals (a favorite… a white monkey in a cheetah skin with the most soulful eyes). Just took it when I wasn’t looking. I had no idea what happened to it. Thought I had misplaced the thing somewhere in my teeny tiny dorm room. The next time I saw it was on her shelf in her room. I don’t know if she made such a habit of taking other’s things that she didn’t remember it was mine or not. She behaved like she didn’t remember though.
I simply let her have the thing.
However, my thoughts and feelings about her changed pretty drastically after that.
I do share my things. It is just stuff and I can get more, and even if I can’t and I miss the item, sometimes giving is memorable in the case of the above unintended gift.
But I don’t agree with forcing people to share… that’s called robbery.
Comment by ~Katherine — September 6, 2008 @ 10:35 pm
wow Katherine, I couldn’t agree more! Apparently though, if we ‘never teach’ our children to share, then they won’t learn to live harmoniously with the rest of us…I don’t buy it.
Comment by michele james-parham — September 6, 2008 @ 10:44 pm
I went a little far calling it robbery, but the phrase “forced sharing” is such a funny little oxymoron. I don’t think most people stop to think that so called “asking” (meaning commanding) children to share is a convenient extension of a thought that to be fair things are to be equal. First, equal and fair are not the best description of what happens over the great divide that separates adults from children. The biggest thing is that being aware of what would help (like finding an attractive alternative for the child who feels deprived) is so much more to the point.
In the long run, I think children learn to share because we share with them. How we do that is certainly worth considering. Sharing in the home I grew up with often came with strings attached to the things that were shared with us kids. My hope is that I can be freer by choosing to not to be so very attached to what I’m sharing in the first place. And letting go of the idea that children will automatically share their things when others or I am ready for them to is a more realistic outlook that helps children get to the point of sharing when they’re ready.
Comment by ~Katherine — September 7, 2008 @ 1:20 am
I totally get you!
Just today Jared was riding his bike and a boy down the road was playing with him and he had his skateboard with him. They were racing on foot and then on bike and board. The boy asked Jared if he could ride his bike and he didn’t want him to. The boy looked at me and asked me if he could ride it, I told him it was Jared’s bike and it was up to him.
Over the years I have talked with my kids about sharing and also about how if they don’t want someone touching their stuff that we could put things away before they played. My kids have the ultimate choice on whether or not to share. I did used to encourage it but I have backed off because it is their stuff and their decision. Many times they share without thinking twice and other times they don’t want to, it’s ok with me.
Comment by Stephanie — September 7, 2008 @ 4:07 am
Beautiful post
I totally agree with you (of course). And I’m honoured 
thanks!
Comment by majikfaerie — September 7, 2008 @ 6:48 am
I didn’t really think you *meant* robbery! But, in a small sense it could be seen as that to a child who doesn’t understand why you or I might always be forcing them to give up things, you know?
Comment by michele james-parham — September 7, 2008 @ 12:51 pm
You are most welcome Ela!
Comment by michele james-parham — September 7, 2008 @ 12:51 pm
I have to force myself not to always offer my things if someone asks or likes them. I grew up with few feelings of ownership over most things and maybe it helped that I had 4 brothers and sisters and a “grazing the edge of middle class” neighborhood with lots of children so we all shared clothes, toys, bicycles, makeup, jewelry, and most other things - sometimes even boyfriends or girlfriends but not happily with that one LOL. There were one or two things that I didn’t want to share and kept to myself but in general up to this day I really don’t have a strong feeling of attachment to many things. Once we became teenagers my sisters and I worked out a ‘first wear’ rule. Whoever bought an item got to wear it first. And many times we end up keeping the thing that we borrow. If we really want it back we let each other know and we get it back.
My younger sister and I alternated pregnancy times so there were certain pieces of clothing that we traded back and forth for 8 years of 3 pregnancies on her side and 2 on mine including things that you couldn’t use during pregnancy -tight minis, roller blades, etc - and things you couldn’t use when not pregnant or with young children - nursing bras, slings, child seats, etc. Sometimes we don’t even remember who originally owned an item.
My son is just like that. He shares his passwords to his games, his food, his clothes, everything - except with his sister (see below). If someone violates what he asks with his games then he changes the password but otherwise it means that they help each other to raise their scores. My 3 11/12 daughter is different. She uses sharing as a power play sometimes - it’s kind of funny to see her with her dad or other adults - since she is usually the smallest around. She will not share if anyone else asks her but usually shares everything with me or if she instigates the sharing. I think that it is because I share almost everything with her. With other children she often will scream and kick and bite if she really really wants something and they don’t want to share. Hopefully as I come out of a period of high distractedness and she gets older this will become a bit less frequent. I always make her and other children know that they don’t have to share but that the option exists if they want to. And that they will get things back. Most parents that I know don’t make their children share but most of them don’t share their things themselves.
I share my car, my house, any information that I have, contacts that may be useful,my food, and I even recently converted my business to a members-owned cooperative - something I never viewed as sharing until I wrote this paragraph. I feel like it is a natural blessing to live with the ability to share with others. I love it but I don’t stress out about how the children approach it. They live a different life and the large tribal neighbourhood that I grew up in does not exist anymore. We’ll see how it will unfold for them.
We only have two computers and four people and so sharing of computers is very very tricky. My daughter refuses to get off most of the time, my husband pulls rank with his computer, my son comes off if it makes sense and I’m okay with everyone using mine. It’s a little problematic at times since I have to write in order to get paid and sometimes I can only get on my computer when the others are asleep. But I think it makes sense for us to keep figuring it out. Consensual living is fun even if everyone in the house is not doing it that way!
Thanks Michele for posting on this subject. Maybe I will too. I love even thinking about sharing.
Comment by Gillian — September 7, 2008 @ 5:37 pm
Gillian! I always love hearing your perspective. Reading your thoughts reminds me, that William and I are very generous people most of the time. We give food, clothing and even money. We’ve both always upheld the belief that when we have an abundance, we should give and that we always have something to give. More importantly, we give without the expectation of receiving anything in return or ever being ‘paid back’. When we can cover someone else’s tab, we do and we don’t keep a tally running so that we can remind that person in the future that we paid their tab last time. I realize this is different than two children arguing over one toy, but…
I’ve also always thought that many children do not easily share, because their parents and other adults in their lives use scarcity tactics with them — refusing to give or buy something for the child, even without there being a financial or other pressing reason not to do it. If our children are surrounded with abundance and love (like your swipping swapping sharing family!) then they’ll be less inclined to hoard treats & toys and be more inclined to just share openly and without an issue.
I wish I had someone with whom I could swap clothes, pregnancy and childhood ‘gear’ with on a regular basis!
Comment by michele james-parham — September 7, 2008 @ 5:55 pm
Great thoughts.
I am not a parent, but I am sure that it must make children resentful if they are forced to share my adults.
Children should learn from experience the results of sharing or not sharing.
Comment by Matthew C — September 28, 2008 @ 4:26 pm
I think ANYONE would be resentful on some level if they were forced/coerced to do ANYTHING
Comment by michele james-parham — September 29, 2008 @ 12:20 pm
The problem is coericion is such a fundamental part of our society; it affects every aspect of it.
For all my conservatism, I do think the Anarchist tradition has made an excellent contribution to western thought in pointing out the elephant in the room, namely the omnipresence of violent power relations.
Comment by Matthew C — September 29, 2008 @ 12:49 pm
Well, ‘we’ all think that we are entitled to something and we have no way of figuring out how to get that something without using force. People naturally want to be happy and want those around them happy, but we often forget about ‘other people’ when we have our eyes/minds set on something (something = tangible like beer! or abstract like silence).
I blame a lot of our lack of creativity when it comes to finding win-win or at least compromise in solutions on public (and most private w/ public model) education. Schools teach people all about force, coercion and loop-holes to ’success’.
I want to paint my heart out right now, because I am learning so much about how colours play together, form and lighting, but you are demanding that I stop, clean up and move onto math, because that’s what your clock and lesson plan book dictates. I won’t be able to concentrate on math, because I will still have my mind on painting and the desire to keep exploring its possibilities and I will be so furious with you for not understanding and denying me my desire to learn about something. I will shut down and when I get poor grades, my parents will make me feel less than loved, take away my paints, because they are getting in the way of my learning (my ‘real’ learning). Who knows, I could have been the next Monet or Warhol.
I could delve deeper, but the tater tots are burning in the oven
Comment by michele james-parham — October 1, 2008 @ 8:19 pm
Yes, I think school does a lot of harm in forming people’s personalities.
One of the things I hate about Britain is that all our leaders in politics, culture and business have all been to these authoritarian fee-paying schools.
I am really interested in the unschooling concept that you advocate. I think it has a lot going for it.
Comment by Matthew C — October 2, 2008 @ 5:42 pm