First, you ask what exactly is a meme?
Second, what is the ultimate parenting meme? “We all have to do what is good/right for our family” or ” We all have the right to parent the way that works best for our family” or “Every parent gets to decide what is right for their children/family” and similar still, “What works for one family will not always work for another”. These (and many other similar memes) all have the same theme or idea, which is for one parent to butt out of or not judge another parent’s choices when it comes to raising their children, because ultimately, they have the final say on how things are going to be in their family/house.
All too often this meme is loudly repeated by mainstream/traditional parents who feel threatened, judged or even guilty about their parenting choices. It’s understandable for someone to come to their own defense when they are questioned, challenged or when negative things are spoken about how they parent. Of course, we all differ in ideologies and how we put them into practice, but what I want to talk about in regards to this meme, are the children at the heart of this all.
There appears to be some characteristics of those who preach our beloved meme. Some range from the extreme, they really don’t want to be parents & do not like children, to not believing children have a say or are deserving of mutual respect or acceptance, on further still to the ever present, ultimately, I am the parent and I know what is best and I will call the shots. Many of these people seem to be greatly inconvenienced about the fact that they are parents and that children do/say certain things, which can lead to a person being inconvenienced. Many of these parents also feel that if something looks good from the outside, then it must be working and not harboring any ill effects. After all, if it ain’t broke why in the hell would you go and try to fix it? Children have an amazing capacity to cope with less than ideal circumstances. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.
Frankly, it does take more time, more effort and more patience to be a gentle, accepting, non-punitive, non-authoritarian/permissive and a zen-like parent — even more so, if you are blessed with a spirited or indigo child. If we really want to turn this planet around and be taken care of by loving, accepting & understanding people, well, we have to treat them that way when they are babes. One of the main differences I notice is where the parents’ perspective is coming from and how they view children in general.
A traditional/mainstream parent sees a child’s actions from the parental eye and does not usually try to empathize with the child through its own perspective. Children do what they need to do, it is up to the parent to decode the child’s actions/words and understand the meaning and their motivation behind them. Here is an example:
parent: holding child’s infant sibling & nursing
child: throws block at siblings head & causes her/him to cry
mainstream parent: scolds child, says ‘no’, ‘we don’t hit’ or ‘bad child’ and comforts infant — possibly use of more punitive actions such as spanking (hitting to send the message not to hit!), time-out, threats or even throwing the block back at the child.
child: cries…hits again…screams…stomps off…any number of things trying to communicate that their messages are not being received.
or
parent: holding child’s infant sibling & nursing
child: throws block at siblings head & causes her/him to cry
parent: says (while comforting baby), ‘I do not want you to hit the baby, because it causes him pain & could seriously hurt him. I can see you must be really angry to hit the baby’.
child: [verbal] says, ‘I don’t like all the attention the baby is getting’ or ‘I need time with/to talk with you’ [non-verbal] child will crawl into parent’s lap & snuggle…sit next to parent…put arms up to be hugged or picked up…any of these could be accompanied with crying. Scenario continues with the parent actively listening to the child until the moment is consensually resolved and everyone has released their stress & anger.
Which parent are you? Which parent do you wish you were? Which parent do you think is ‘right’? I know some of you are thinking, ‘yeah, but I don’t care why the child hits the baby, he should know better than to do it & I am not going to keep my cool enough to talk-it-out’. We place an awful lot of assumptions & demands on children don’t we?
We say that children ought, should & shouldn’t do/say things all the time. Instead of worrying about what they should or shouldn’t be doing, we might accept the idea that they are doing what they need to do in the moment and then figure out why they did it. Once we know why, we can prevent it from needing to happen. Are you serious? Yes and so is Naomi Aldort!
Another issue that keeps arising is a child’s autonomy. The mainstream parents who use trainers’ methods of rewards/punishments to control a child or coerce him to behave in a certain way that is acceptable to the parent is doing her best to suppress autonomy. As most parents of teenagers know, this method of parenting backfires or fails once the child is a teenager and starts to reclaim & express his autonomy — ‘we’ like to call this ‘rebellion’. I left the following quote in a comment here:
“It doesn’t have to be a win/lose situation. If one is going to offer options/choices, then they have to be able to accept that every once in a while, the answer will just be a plain ‘no…none of those will work for me’. Otherwise, you really are not offering any real choices…only those that suite *your* case.
Autonomy is not something we ‘allow’, it’s something that is always there and will be expressed whether we like it or not. The choice is ours as to whether or not we want to honor another person’s being, work with them and find a win/win solution. If we choose not to function like this, then we choose to deal with tantrums, fits, aggression, violence, lying and so forth — these are all desperate attempts at asserting one’s autonomy when s/he feels oppressed.”
Children do what they need to do in the moment…often times parents don’t actively listen until a child’s autonomous expression is very extreme, all hell has broken loose and everyone is breaking down.
The post that comment is from mentioned the parent owning the house and paying for things in the house…this reminds me of the ‘guest phenomenon’. As a whole, society tends to favor guests over children — with the exception of children who are guests. When we have guests, we usually invite them into our homes or at the very least accept their arrival. We take into consideration their dietary preference & do not expect them to eat certain foods or certain amounts of foods. We do not shame, punish them or ‘cut off’ privileges for accidents, such as spilling soda on the couch. We do not tell/force them to go to bed. We go out of our way to make them feel accepted, loved and to understand their needs so that they can be met. We even do this with children who are guests in our homes, but most mainstream parents wouldn’t begin to consider treating their own children in such a manner. Our children are our house guests.
Spiritual ideas/debates aside, children do not choose to be born, we invite them into our lives and our homes. Children are not selective eaters or clumsy while carrying sodas to make our lives miserable or to manipulate us. Children are able to listen to their body’s messages about hunger and sleep needs. Children are living in a home that no, they didn’t buy or work hard to decorate, but they are in the space (without much of a choice either) and should be afforded the comforts & rights as everyone else sharing the space and have the environment arranged so that they can actually LIVE in the space — we would have no issues rearranging and altering our homes for elderly parents or disabled family members who were coming to live with us. What is worse about this ‘house guest’ phenomenon is that not only do many of us treat guests better than our children, but we often treat the family dog/cat better than our own children.
Why do we treat children like second class citizens and why do we find that we can continue to do so, because everything is ‘working for us’? We feel we are entitled to do whatever we want and no one can pass judgment or offer criticisms, because we are still trying to reclaim our autonomy. We are still rebellious teenagers who don’t want our parents telling us how to live. We also find ourselves without the tribe or village there to help and show us the way…we are doing it by ourselves and most mums (as primary caregiver) are even more isolated. Our parents did such & such to us and we still turned out alright (so will our children). But, are you really alright? Wouldn’t you like to be better than alright and surely, don’t we all want our children to be more than just alright…don’t we want them to have better than us?
We are raised in a culture that does everything in its power to separate the child from the parent. We demand that children become independent and separate from us at an early age. They must learn to sleep by themselves, to be a ‘good’ baby and to ‘mind/listen’ to us. We have bottles, formula, cribs, swings, nannies & sitters, early childhood education, tv programming for babies, crying-it-out, classes for tots, little/no leave from work, unpaid leave from work, put the baby down now - it has to learn, baby monitors and so on & so on. Everything we are sold/told is yet another device, sevice or method to keep us from our children, from physically being there, from getting to learn who they are and we wonder why when they are teenagers, we have no idea who they are. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.
Back to the meme. “It’s working for me/us, so butt out”. Is it really working or only on some days and under the right circumstances? Will it still work when your child realizes that she is her own person and autonomy rears its face? Children are the barometers of the family and they are like holding up a mirror to ourselves — if they are having ‘fits’, we must be having them too. Why is it so hard for people to make the same concessions for children that they make for adults? We do not like children. Rather, we do not like autonomous children, children with a voice, children who are felt, seen & heard. We expect them to ‘behave‘ the way we want and when we want them to. Mainstream parents do not seem to understand the merit in meeting our children halfway, finding win-win solutions and finding ways to accept them as they are without trying to change them. We are raised in a culture that glorifies and almost requires instant gratification — there is nothing instant when it comes to authentic or gentle parenting. It appears to be easier to use our assigned authority, our psychological size and our physical size to coerce or manipulate our children and their behavior.
Is it really ‘working’? The following is a snippet of a conversation from an online forum that I belong to (names have been removed on purpose). It is in regards to unschooling, but as you know, radical or whole life unschoolers do not see a demarcation between parenting and education. Bracketed words are mine.
sounds like it’s working for your family.? and he’s satisfied with what you’re doing.? how could that not be the “correct” way??
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This is a general comment, not related to the specific topic (or poster!) but to the ideas in the statement above.
It’s possible for things to be “working” in a family where the kids are just going along with what mom and dad want, because its easier or because the kids are natural people-pleasers [or out of fear of punishment]. That doesn’t mean parents are being respectful in the sense of striving to understand the kids’ perspectives, and value those perspectives.
Its possible for kids to be satisfied when parents have managed to make the world small. Kids have an amazing capacity to make the best of things! Unschooling is about making the world big and broad and exciting for out kids - because kids want to learn about everything!
Mainstream parents are not buying this! I’m sure some might be familiar with this set up and conversation:
Friend: how is soccer going for Sarah?
Parent: Oh, good. She’s made captain.
F: Does she enjoy it still after all these years?
P: Oh, sure, she’s happy.
F: Have you asked her if she’s happy, if she still wants to play?
P: No (or, what kind of a question is that). Should I, she seems happy & hasn’t asked to quit.
This conversation could go on for awhile and take some turns. Sarah seems happy, so why ask her and risk finding out that she’s in fact not happy, hates soccer and wants to quit or that she really likes soccer, but not this team anymore or she needs more help with practice than you are willing to give out? Why? Because, you want to be respectful, accepting and helpful in guiding Sarah to be her best and to find/develop her passions in life. Yes, this is necessary and not just once children reach a certain age…it starts at birth. You can’t make Sarah like soccer, but if she does, you can help her get as much enjoyment out of it as possible. Sarah might not like the fact that you decided to have a baby after all these years of her being the only child…it’s your place to help her cope and find ways to make sure everyone feels loved, appreciated and respected.
We also make so many of our parenting decision based on what we think others will say about us. Without thinking about how we really feel about a behavior, we pass judgment, correct, stop and coerce a child, because someone else might think or say something negative about us. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.
You can’t wear your costume; we are going out in public.
I can’t hold the baby all the time or people will think she’s spoiled.
We can’t co-sleep, because the baby might never leave our bed.
No, you can’t dye your hair purple, grandmother will have a fit.
You have to sit in service and not go play on the playground.
You have to share.
Brush your hair, clean your face and tuck your shirt in.
What will people say about us when they find out you have your navel pierced?
And this list keeps going and going…is ever expanding to make up reasons why some kind of action is not allowed. What is more important, how happy & fulfilled our children are or what someone might say about us? I know those happy children when I see them…they often have chocolate and or marker smears on their faces, disheveled hair, smiling faces, mismatching socks and are carrying around a trick-or-treat pumpkin in July! This doesn’t mean that happy kids can’t be clean and neat, but rarely are they clean and neat without parental input or coercion.
Do we have the right to speak out against parental practices that are punitive, coercive, not respectful and those which do not honor the child as a whole person? Yes. Actually, we have a duty to bring information to light to break the cycle of traditional parenting. Our friends, colleagues, family, acquaintances and so on, come to us on a regular basis to ask our advice on parenting, to compare notes or to use us as a sounding board for their decisions. Those moments are the time to impart ideas, change minds and share your joy. Pointing out how a parent is treating their child and how that treatment relates to the issues they are having or trying to avoid can be very eye opening and transforming. Often times we just can not stop listening to those old tapes running in our heads and we need someone to step in and remind us of what kind of parent we want to be. Of course, mainstream parents do not like to be told that what they are doing isn’t respectful of their children and might actually be causing more harm in the long run…no one wants to be told this, but many of us aren’t very good at changing until we’ve become upset and have been given cause to reflect on just what we are doing versus what we want to be doing.
This wasn’t really meant to be so long or to be such a rant, but it happened. People continue to amaze me with how narrowly they view parenting, like it is not connected to everything else, like our decisions now do not effect the future. Parenting choices seem to be always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children. Maybe it is just my neo-hippie ass and my beatnik baby, but I want to be mindful of the entire process, the whole picture and not just what is right in front of me. In the meantime, I will continue to be respectful towards and accepting of my child, because it’s working for he and I.
For more information on things relevant to this rant:
Consensual Living
Authentic Parenting (video)
Parenting Peacefully
Effective Parenting
Living Joyfully
Radical Unschooling
If you want book recommendations, let me know.
