I’m going to attempt to blog about myself. I know that I have talked about myself a little here and there, but I’ve never really devoted a lengthy post to nothing but the inner workings of me. I’ve opened myself up for much debate and criticism through many of the topics that I have blogged about…we can just add this post to that list 
I’ve been pondering over somethings someone recently said to me. Pondering because I really wanted to understand whether or not this person’s words were the truth, as in a Universal Truth. I’m going to quote this person, but only anonymously, because I haven’t spoken to them about my thoughts — this post isn’t about that person or their words, only about what I might be doing/saying to cause a competent & intelligent person to say the things they said.
“…what causes defensiveness is…the asking of some very loaded questions paired with follow-up descriptions that imply your choices, your philosophy, and your approach to parenting is the only way to go, not just for you but for everyone in the world.”
“…you seem to have a political ideology that informs every aspect of your life.”
“…when you’re sharing your parenting philosophies, I guess it sometimes feels like you’re also lecturing the group in an Anarchism 101 class – Goldman, Bakunin, Sacco and so on.”
“It almost feels like you are a crusader of sorts, in the political sense rather than the religious, and in the left-end of the spectrum rather than the right.”
I like the person who said these things. I respect this person for saying them too. However, enough about the person saying these things.
It would be interesting to note before I go on how a “loaded question” is described. This is for my own information and reflection, but feel free to educate yourselves. I only recall but one question which could have fit into the category of “loaded question”, but semantics aren’t all they are cracked up to be these days.
Now, before I say anything else. I want to share a quote, which sums up quite nicely how I feel about the accusation of being politically motivated in my correspondence with those on discussions lists and with the world in general.
“I also believe you conflate the terms ‘anarchism’ and ‘anarchy’: AnarchY might be imaginary — meaning that we don’t now and may never have a society without coercive rulers — but anarchISM is a Value Set, like pacifism, or Christian love, or Buddhist empathy. It is not a description of the world, but a standard for judging situations within the world. ” – bkMarcus
I fully agree with the quote. Anarchism is a Value Set. It is a way in which one can view the world and a way in which a people can interact with the world. It is a model of thought to help one look at a situation — does this make sense, is everyone being respected and loved, is anyone using coercive means to “get their way”, is everyone being heard (the questions that most unschoolers ask themselves when there seems to be conflict)?
I also understand that by explicitly stating that I am an Anarchist, I have placed myself into a box. This box makes others assume certain things about me and expect certain things from me and lends the thought that I might have some kind of political agenda behind my interactions with the world. Do I have an agenda? I guess I do in that it makes no sense to spread the word of love, respect and egalitarianism if I am not hoping that my modeling and explanations of such concepts wouldn’t lead to more people living peacefully, consensually and with (not next to) one another. You can do those things and live in those ways without identifying yourself as an Anarchist, but you would be living out principles of Anarchism regardless — just as I also model & live by some aspects of Buddhist empathy and pacifism.
I admire, respect and think highly of children. I am pained deeply by how our culture treats children as second class citizens and how it views childhood as some kind of preparatory and lesser period of life. I do not like the things I see people doing and saying to their children that are hurtful, disrespectful, oppressive and condescending. I do not find it helpful to children to NOT stand up for them when someone is saying or doing something, which is counter to how much better that person would treat an adult, a guest in their home or the family pet. I believe that many of the things I do as a parent and advocate for other parents is “right” and not just “right for my family”. Those things which model principles we hope our children grow to live by, those things which come instinctively and NOT from a book by an “expert” and those things which follow the path of the least resistance all tend to just make sense as apposed to a whole host of tools for manipulation that parents and other adults adopt when living with children. These tools are often solely for the purpose of producing obedient, clean & quiet children that parents & adults do not have to *deal* with.
If you have something to complain about then you are either not “doing it right” or you have expectations (for yourself or your children) which are unreasonable. All the complaints I hear from people about children can be filed into one of two categories 1) children are inconvenient to the life *I* want to live or 2) they aren’t doing what *I* want/need them to do for *me*. Constantly fighting and melting down means that you are constantly working against your child’s natural inclinations and desires…working with them seems natural, easier and makes more sense in the long run. People are so quick to ask something like “does that mean it’s okay for my child to hit me” and the answer is “no”, but the real issue is not the act of hitting but the why of hitting. What have you done or not done to cause your child to resort to hitting (barring some kind of organic mental health issue leading to the hitting)? I know when my son resorts to hitting it’s because *I* didn’t pay close enough attention to his energy in the present, he hadn’t eaten in awhile or *I* wasn’t doing *my* job of acting as a buffer to the environment he was in. *I* was not doing my part to help him shine. I can see how attractive it is to lay all the blame and shame on the child, who so many seem to think “should know better”. I don’t have the expectation for a child to refrain from being physical as I do for an adult to refrain from being physical (especially from being physical with a child).
I have a way of seeing the world and the inherent good of people, which is interwoven into every aspect of my life. I would not call it political. However, it affects my political outlook. This interwoven perception of reality might line up with much of Anarchistic Thought and I am quite sure that this shines through when I speak and when I explain how I view a situation — I am not a moderate, nor a centrist, so my views and opinions are more noticeable, palpable than most. It just so happens that how I feel about children and parenting them reflects almost perfectly with how Libertarianism and Anarchism feel about children and parenting them. I guess it shouldn’t matter that I had most of my ideas on parenting set in place long before I was ever a parent and long before I would have called myself an Anarchist. I had already fit into the box without realizing the box existed.
If anything, I would consider myself a crusader of humanity. And specifically equal, respectful and humane treatment of children — if we can’t treat them “right”, how will we ever be able to treat anyone else right? My opposition doesn’t see children worthy of equal time, equal respect or equal acceptance…just like so many men used to and still do feel about women and minorities.
My opposition sees it as their place to direct, mold and create their children and their children’s lives, to make or force them to fit into the parents’ idea of what a child should/shouldn’t do/be/say/think and to make/force them to fit into the parents’ way of living. I see it as my duty to be my children’s partner, to help them navigate this world, to watch them unfold into their own persons (redefining each day as needed) and to help them shine their brightest with the best of my ability. I see my job to help them have as much access to the world as they ask for, to do it when they ask for it and to trust them with their access. It is my job to help preserve my children’s authenticity and autonomy, and because there is not a magical age when those two things develop or can be handed to a person, I trust that they are present from birth and only strengthen their resolve with each passing day.
Every aspect of my life is affected however not ruled or decided by a political ideology. I have principles that I strive to live by. These are internal, self-initiated and self-directed. Ultimately, I do not answer to external thoughts or persons, but only to myself and thankfully for myself & those around me, I have reached adulthood with a set of positive & egalitarian internal principles. After taking some time to ponder on these things, I am beginning to understand why it is common to find people who are intimidated or awed by me. My Dear Other Half will tell me it is because I am elitist, though in denial. I believe it is because I emit a sense of having my shit together; because I know what I want and what I need and I know how to get these things; because I am solid in my resolve and do not waver; because I have found a way to over come the selfishness that my attention starved childhood placed on me; because I do not take shit from people and I don’t care whether or not my actions answer appropriately to some archaic mode of tact and decorum; because only those nearest to me have the privilege to see me crack and to lose my Zen; because I am no longer afraid of myself nor am I afraid of doing what feels right and what makes sense in the moment. Not many can stand next to me and say those same things. These things are not because my life is informed by some political ideology, but because I & the Universe own my life, my choices and the Being that inhabits this bag of bones.
“…that I will perform All things and endure All things for the Great Work of the Universe…that I will continue in the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel…”
M.
Michele, You are doing nothing more or less than following the truth of your heart, and I admire that. It is something I strive to do daily within the walls of my house, but run into some kind of invisible barrier when interacting with with others. There is fear there, and I am working on this. Keep speaking your truth with love and respect. It shines the light for others to follow.
I love reading your blog, and I love how straightforward and honest about your beliefs and opinions you are! It always kind of bothers me when I read posts by people who are very obviously being politically correct, because in doing that I find that there’s an honesty and strength in writing that is simply lost. I find your writing, and how unafraid you are to state your opinions loud and clear, to be very inspiring!
April: Thanks so much for your supportive words. Each day for me is but yet another slice of progress. As far as crossing fear barriers with others goes, it’s kind of like being arrested for civil disobedience the first time; after it happens the first time, it’s not so scary! Being willing to accept that you might very well upset someone will cause the barrier of fear to fade a little bit.
Idzie: I’m thankful that you find me inspiring. I agree with you about a certain level of political correctness that has watered down real thought & strength…we could accomplish more if we’d stop worrying so much about toe stepping. I don’t aim to offend, but it happens — if an apology is really called for, I give it (otherwise, it’s on the other person to deal with their feelings about why I am so upsetting to them). I know I can come off harsh at times, but I’m not here to coddle people, ease their fears or promise them a rose garden.
Well written post. I really enjoyed this.
gosh, i have so much to say about this and it’s so hard to say it in this format. i will try to make it quick.
first of all, i would guess that i agree with you at least 90 to 95 percent on parenting issues. for example, my toddler pretty much eats when he wants, sleeps when he wants, we try not to praise him, don’t intend to start punishing him, and certainly hope he chooses to unschool or something similar when the time comes. i really appreciate people like you who are vocal about their beliefs on these issues, because i didn’t even realize that radical parenting like this was possible until i actually had a child, or at least that it wouldn’t be harmful to make these choices. i’m so, so glad and thankful that i’ve been exposed to these possibilities so early in my parenting adventure, and so i know there are other people out there who would like to know about them but have not encountered them yet. personally i would like to be more visible about my choices for the benefit of these families at least, but i haven’t really settled into the right way to share my ideas, for the most part. so mostly that’s a long way of saying i really respect what you do with all this.
however, i have noticed a few things about your communication style, which i will try to share because you seem sincerely interested.
first of all, i think that there is certain language that is often used (by many people) around these issues that can be very polarizing. particularly, saying that these actions come from loving, respecting and treating children as equals. i think this can be inflammatory because almost everyone feels that they love and respect their children (my opinion is that they actually do love and respect their children, they just make different choices based on what they really think is best), so hearing that if they really love and respect their child they would do x instead of y just seems, well, wrong. when it comes to the treat as an equal thing, i get kind of lost. i do find it an interesting exercise to sometimes think of how i would deal with a certain behavior if an adult was doing it instead of a child, but realistically i know i would treat them differently in some cases based on my beliefs about their ability to understand certain circumstances. for example, to use an issue we have discussed before, i wouldn’t physically try to stop my husband from eating cigarette butts if he was determined to do so, but I would and do physically stop River from eating them if I can’t convince, distract, etc. another way to put this is that everyone, adult and child, has different capacities, needs, and relationship to me, so i don’t really treat anyone equally to anyone else, so this phrase kind of rubs me the wrong way.
another hot button phrase for me is that having kids isn’t supposed to be convenient. i see where this idea is coming from, but i also feel kind of irked by this because really, having kids isn’t convenient for anyone, but we all have to draw the line of where we’re willing to go somehow. to tell or imply that people who go through pregnancy and birth, then give up their own sleep and many or most of their former activities to devote a great deal of time to meeting the needs of their kids that they are prioritizing their own convenience over their kids wellbeing in general seems very farfetched to me. of course, there’s a question of where this line gets drawn, and for me that’s one of the huge challenges of this parenting style, particularly when discussing it with others. it can feel very judgemental (and i’m not saying that you do this specifically, but i’ve seen it a lot in radical parenting communities) to have people going on about how extreme they are in letting their kids choose/never coercing. someone in one group i read claimed that she had never once physically coerced her child to do or not do anything. my immediate reaction was that either she didn’t have a child with amazing physical skills and pretty much no verbal skills for a year like i did, or else she had a really different idea of what “physically coerce” meant, but who knows? maybe she was just lucky, or maybe she has great amazing parenting skills i don’t have. my second thought was to feel like i could never do enough to be a part of this parenting philosophy because i sometimes feel that i have to coerce my child for his own safety or my mental health. i’ll even admit that occasionally i don’t do everything river wants when he wants it, even if it is technically possible. for example, sometimes i tell him that i’ll take him to the playground later instead of right away if i’m trying to do something else. i guess i believe that while kids need lots of autonomy, attention, and so on, parents sometimes have conflicting desires and it’s ok to try to compromise everyone’s interests. if my kid was older i would try to include him in the compromise process, but he’s not really able to do that yet. that was somewhat of a tangent, but i guess i’m just trying to give an idea of how, even as a person who is quite far toward the radical end of the parenting scale, i can feel really alienated by the discourse so i can only imagine how it might feel to someone with more divergent beliefs.
ok, so…differences aside, i would really like to spread similar ideas. but i also wonder about the idea of not “coddling” people. i agree that it isn’t your responsibility, but in a practical sense people are often more willing to change their ideas and behavior with a little coddling. like kids, i believe that adults are usually (maybe always) just trying to meet their own needs the best way they can figure out, and I generally think that trying to understand and work with their perspective (or at least the reasons they might have that perspective) gets the most satisfying results.
one thing i really disagree with in the comments you got was about your philosophy being too wrapped up in your choices and discussion. i think that happens to everyone, on a conscious or subconscious level, but it’s not nearly so obvious if that person’s politics are moderate or centrist, because that type of political bias is invisible to most people.
well, blah, that was long and rambling. i tried to get as much as possible down in some fashion while river was napping. i’d be happy to talk about all this in person some day, but i hope this comment is of some relevance to your questions.
Laura: Thank you so much. You reminded me of somethings I forgot to include and you brought up some really great points.
I want to address the concept of inflammatory language. I have to admit a huge flaw I have (thought I am seeing it less and less as a flaw) is that I have spent so many years on Unschooling and peaceful parenting discussion lists that my words come from a place of assuming that ultimately this is how all parents want/hope/try/strive to treat their children. I am sure that you’ve noticed when a new person on one of those lists asks a question or offers something counter to the philosophy, it is quickly pointed out that what they said or what they are doing is counter to unschooling or peaceful parenting. The phase batted around in one form or another is something like “while that might work for you or for others who do NOT wish to live like us, it isn’t going to aide you on your path here — it is assumed that you came here to learn how to change your relationship with your children, not to justify doing things counter to unschooling/peaceful parenting”. This frame of mind is so ingrained into me, that separating myself from it is hard. Though I realize that there are just certain personality traits which people possess that could never allow them to contemplate living outside of mainstream parenting/life, it’s hard for me to imagine my words falling on truly deaf ears. It takes work and patient to live the way unschoolers (and other radicals) live, neither of which many want to place their efforts in.
I understand the desire to work with a person’s perspective and not coddle them — I counsel other parents frequently. Working with someone isn’t coddling, I feel. However, it’s hard for me to not vocalize something that I find counter to a respectful & peaceful relationship. Be the change you want or live life like the world is already the way you want it to be…I try to do this, so it often comes as a shock to me what some people find it acceptable to do when living with children. For me to do something differently than you, means one of three things: 1) I disagree with what you are doing 2) I don’t know how to do what you are doing 3) I was unaware of the possibility of what you are doing. If I am unaware, I like to know; if I am unable, I like to know how and if I disagree, I like to do better/different. I do like to see why people have the beliefs that they have and help them go through the process of challenging their beliefs. It’s NOT that they hold the belief, but WHY they hold it. A lot of becoming a parent is de-parenting (deschooling) yourself from what you know or think you know about parenting — removing yourself from how you were parented and how society expects you to parent. Who would you be without your story, how would you feel without that thought?
Like you, I don’t treat everyone as *my* equal, because not everyone *is* equal *to me*. However, everyone is equal in that we are all human and in general, all (or at least the great vast majority) of us have agreed that there are certain rights and ways of being treated that humans deserve. A lot of mainstream parenting ignores this and often does so blatantly. My child is NOT equal to me in MANY ways — the two obvious are size and age (with which comes “wisdom”). Using these inherent inequalities to my advantage against my child just seems, well…wrong. I don’t force my husband to do things for me…I am persistent sometimes and often he’ll oblige (if nothing more to shut me up!), but he’s quite free to just say no and leave it at that (which he does often as well). Elijah also is quite free to just say no and I have to deal with that…sometimes there *has to* be a compromise or shift in the plan to accommodate everyone and we deal with that when it happens to the best of our ability — just as I would with a friend or my husband.
With all that said, I don’t grant my friends or my husband license to be assholes around me — I do have my bubble — and I don’t grant my child license; he has freedom, but not license. License is what a lot of parents take with their children simply because they are parents and because the law permits it AND because most of our culture allows it. To say that one has NEVER physically coerced a child does not mean that one has not emotionally/verbally coerced a child, which can often be much more damaging — the threat of physical force or harm is enough to make most *adults* change their course of action…you can imagine how most children might react. Coercion is simply manipulation of one kind or another to get another person to do what *you* want them to do AND not do what they want to do.
Safety is key to freedom and one of my main principles (I want those around me to be/feel safe). Keeping cigarette butts out of a non-verbal and/or unknowing person’s mouth, falls in line with safety. If it means that you *have to* physically remove the butt or the person, then it means you have to do that. Verbal children and adults (!) can be informed of the dangers of eating something like butts and possibly enlisted in *helping you* with something they *CAN* do with butts — pick them up and place them in the trash. What CAN we do, not what can we NOT do. There can be times when a child just can not do what they are trying to do, because of skill, time, laws or other reasons…finding a solution shouldn’t look like a scene from Nanny 911 or one of those other horrible shows. People want to be heard, to feel validated and so, if a child can be heard and his point be validated, he will often be more than accommodating for a parent when the time is necessary.
Having children isn’t convenient (but some people act like it should be). Living with anyone (adult or child) is not convenient. It’s how you decide to interact and handle moments of conflict that make the relationship a positive one or a negative one. If I am feeling negative, then I am probably acting negatively and that’s not what I want to do. Rarely am I “at my rope’s end”, because I try not to go that direction; I seek out the path of Joy, the path of the least resistance. When I catch myself resisting, I ask myself, “is this really worth it; do I really mean this; isn’t there another way”. The answer is always a resounding, “no, no & yes”.