Natural Attachment

Well, I don’t, but that’s what you hear so many parents (especially mums) saying these days.

“I need *me* time.”
“When will I ever get time to myself?”
“I don’t know how you can be around your child all day; I’d kill myself.”
“I give you credit, because I sure couldn’t do it.”
“I have my own life outside of Motherhood/Parenthood.”
“I can’t imagine being around them all day.”
“I was so thankful once they could start school/daycare/preschool and I could have some time to myself.”
“Don’t you want time for yourself?”
“The time I do spend with them is enough chaos for me already.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but…”

And so on and so on…things we’ve all heard and probably some things many of us have said at one time or another. The crazy thing is that in almost any circle of parents that you say one of these lines in, you’ll be affirmed with nods of agreement or smiles of understand or the occasional outburst of “oh, I know” or “I hear ya”. Is it wrong for parents to enjoy their children and enjoy being around them, sharing life together? Did I miss the memo about it being ‘uncool’ to be a mum?

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy taking showers by myself and going to the bathroom by myself, as well as a whole host of other little things throughout the day in my life that I do or would rather do by myself. I have hobbies that are not connected to or centered around the fact that I am a mother with a 5 year old and I magically find time to do them both with and without company. Furthermore, I actually like being around my son all day…not that we’re together all day, because Elijah rarely (actually, I can’t remember the last time) sleeps with us and he spends at least a couple hours alone in his room on most days, as well as other bits here & there in the day where he’s not involved with what I am doing.

I enjoy my son’s company. He’s a really neat person and has interesting and often profound ideas about things. I love to see and hear about what he’s been creating and doing all day. Lately, I’ve been extremely fulfilled by sitting for more than an hour or two building with Legos with him…can you imagine how great it is to forget about everything around you for a couple hours (until your stomach starts gnawing on your backbone from ignored hunger) by just clicking together little plastic bricks?! We have fun together every day with very little pressure if any at all about what time it is or when we have to start or be done with certain activities. It is a life full, free and spontaneous. Oh and it is ‘Real Life’, maybe not the ‘Real Life’ that you’ve chosen, but the ‘Real Life’ that we’ve chosen.

While it might seem hard to contrast the life of a stay-at-home-unschooling-mum to that of a say, part-time-working-with-kids-in-school-mum, I have some ideas as to why the latter mum says one or all of the above statements about needing time away from her children. First, let’s consider the most obvious: child is away from parents all day at school/daycare and parents are away at work or at home doing whatever they do without child all day. Then, once school ends there is a (almost seemingly) never ending routine of hurry, rush, cry, beg, bribe, sports/music practice, fast food, homework, bath fight, tv fight, pyjama fight, bed fight and then collapse. I am going to do my best to address each of the things that I mentioned, as well as some of the deeper issues behind some of them.

Bed Fight: You can not force someone to sleep…let me rephrase this: You can not force someone to sleep without wearing them completely down mentally, physically or by drugging them and even that is not a guarantee. A baby/toddler crying in the next room incessantly, finally gives up on you and after complete exhaustion from physical & emotional exertion falls asleep…they start to give up on you quicker and quicker and resort to sleep as an escape from reality — I’ve studied enough psychology (both on and off the record) to know how sleep works as an escape for so many, including young children. When children (starting from birth) can regulate their own sleep cycles, they find a groove that suits them and it becomes much easier for them to adapt that cycle for things such as appointments and even school later on — especially if those appointments and school are their choice.

Pyjama Fight: Do I really have to stress how unimportant it is to wear certain clothing (or any for that matter) to go to sleep? Sure, if you know that your child sleeps better not wearing her jeans, then reminding her of this and helping her find something softer and less binding/bunching might be nice, but it’s not worth fighting over…ever.

TV Fight: There are so many ways this one can go, but if the fight is simply because the TV watching is holding up the next hurried section of the daily routine, then maybe the routine should be changed or reevaluated and not the TV time. If you are against TV, then don’t own one — it’s hypocritical for you to limit a child’s TV time and not follow the same limits yourself…you aren’t setting a good example. But, “all he does is watch TV all day [really, all day?]”…I am sure that he does watch TV every moment that you allow him to, because it’s being rationed out and limited. If you removed TV limits, he’d gorge on it until he realized that he really could watch it whenever he wanted to and he’ll then move on to other things…especially if there are other interesting things in his life (of his choosing) to move on to. Either get over the TV/computer or don’t have one…you freely chose to buy them and bring them into your home, right?

Bath Fight: Attention, this is a blog written by a ‘dirty hippie’, so keep that in mind. Unless a child is literally covered in mud and her school wouldn’t allow her to attend in such a state, then either finding a non-coercive way to bathe her (unless you are ‘okay’ bathing someone against their will when it isn’t a life or death issue) or calling her in absent are your options. You control your body and when it is bathed; you either like to bath once or twice a day or go for several days without doing so — guess what, children are the same way, except that they don’t buy into social standards of beauty & such and you will find that most (unless they are absolutely filthy) will not bath daily or even weekly. Unless a child has a natural love of water, bathing is usually something that they will NOT choose to do regularly until some time around puberty. Being squeaky clean daily in body and environment (your house) is something that most of us are conditioned to be/do, not something that we freely choose to be/do.

Homework: Well, it goes without saying that if your children are not in school or not subjected to school-at-home(schooling), then there will be no homework! Imagine a life free from doing the same worksheets, chapter reviews & ‘creative’ projects that even as a child you hated and didn’t understand (didn’t understand both how or why). There is far too much homework and it is placing much unneeded extra stress on families who are already finding it hard enough to connect and be civil to one another, without schools dictating what goes on at home after the last bell rings. School is pernicious and finds it’s way into & controls every fiber of your life as a family…it’s like AOL (America Online), you can never really erase it from your computer entirely!

Fast Food: It doesn’t take a genius to realize that eating ‘food’ from the ‘Golden Arches’ every day is not a healthy way to live, but at least these children are being fed something and I credit at least that much, because sadly some parents (even without economic hardships) aren’t even doing that much. I also realize that many people out there who are parents don’t know how to cook or rather loath cooking, but I know that almost everyone likes to eat. As parents, we have an obligation to provide the best food that we can for our children and I challenge anyone who is raising their children on ‘food’ from the ‘Golden Arches’ to ask themselves if that is the best that they can do or if that is the best that they want to do. Real food that is cooked at home costs less and much of it can be made ahead of time to end up being as fast if not faster than ‘fast food’ and cooking & eating it won’t kill you. Once again, you choose to have children, so you choose to provide them with food and they are kind of at your mercy on that one.

Sports/Music (et al) Practice: In general, we all are over scheduled and trying to cram yet another extracurricular obligation into our lives to add to our list of ‘look what we are doing’. Children don’t need scheduled stuff. They can have an interest in something and freely choose to take classes/practices/lectures/camps centered around their interests, but they don’t need their parents trying to impress grandma, neighbors, colleagues and possible future colleges with a laundry list of forced sports, dancing, instruments, clubs, scouts and community service time. Yes, we all want our children to be successful, but our definition of success and their definition might be worlds apart.

Parents & Children Separated Most of the Day: Unless a child is lucky enough to be with his parents constantly for his first 4 to 6 years before being sent off to daycare/school (and even if he was lucky), he longs for his parents, for love and for a home that is free from the oppression, rules and limits of school. Of course a younger child might be almost intolerably clingy in the evenings and on weekends. Parents are simultaneously full of relief that they are free of their children and guilty that their children are away…not realizing that it’s this constant separation that makes being with one another total hell. We miss out on so much when we aren’t with our children and this can play havoc on our conscience, not mention that we just don’t ‘know’ our children well enough to try and help them meet their needs when we miss out on the parts of their day that they are away plus when they are asleep. We are equipped poorly to deal with stressed out strangers. And let’s face it, it’s just not fun to be around people who are stressed out and boy are schooled children stressed out to the max! They leave school only to return to a traditional parenting home full of more oppression, limits, rules, punishment and so on.

Hurry, Rush, Cry, Beg, Bribe: Whether most people are willing to admit it or not, they equate a ‘good child’ with one who is not loud, always clean, uses social niceties, does exactly what you ask & when you ask and never behaves in a manner that you or society find ‘unacceptable’. This causes otherwise seemingly intelligent people to engage in odd & futile parental rituals of rewards, punishments & conditional love with their children — all in an attempt to produce to the world a ‘good child’ or rather a quiet, clean and blindly obedient shell of a child. If this is really how you think children should be, then please do your possible future children a favor…don’t have them, instead have a beta fish on your desk or some ivy in the bathroom. It is completely unnatural to view children like this and completely unreasonable to expect them to adhere to this misty-eyed made up picture of what a child should be.

Children are naturally messy, loud and oblivious of their impact on their environment* (furniture, wall & etc.) and naturally self absorbed to a degree.

 *an adult can stare off into space and unconsciously pick at the edge of a Formica counter top and when they wake up from their daydream, they tisk-tisk at themselves for picking at the counter and then find some glue or tape. When a (traditionally parented) child does it, they try to lie about it or hid it, because they will be punished for having no respect for their home and their parents’ hard work/time/money and when they are asked why they did it, they won’t have an answer, because they don’t know why they did it…they were oblivious to the fact that they were doing it.

Children are also oblivious of their impact (or not concerned with it) on other people when they are constantly punished for doing something ‘unkind’ or ‘unacceptable’ — the focus is on them and not the other person they effected. Their behavior then manifests into ‘how can I not get caught or punished?’ instead of ‘how will this effect others?’. I know first hand, as I was raised in a home that used all kinds of rules, limits, forced bedtimes, spanking, grounding and the like. My father always asked me, “do you just not think about anyone but yourself?” and it wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized that yes, I didn’t think about anyone but myself, because that’s who I was taught to focus on by finding ways around punishment and how it effected me. I was solely focused on what I wanted and not what others wanted or needed. I wasn’t taught empathy or respect for others, I was taught to be self centered, to seek out praise and to avoid punishment and I am still painfully unlearning it. Children have no reason to lie & sneak unless we lie to them or they are trying to deflect the effect of pain from punishment. Because many mainstream parents are self centered (often through no real fault of their own), they focus on how their children’s lives effect themselves and not how they are effecting their children’s lives…they expect their children adapt to them and do what they want, without them ever having to work with their children to find consensual ways to live together and because of this, they make both their children and themselves miserable and continue the cycle of self-centered humanity.

It is no wonder most mainstream parents find themselves chanting “I need time away from my child…”. I wouldn’t much want to be around a child or adult who is obliviously self centered; constantly stressed from the oppression of being forced into school or work they didn’t freely choose; stressed, oppressed and depressed from being controlled by others with rules, limits and punishments; having their natural curiosity and inclinations thwarted at every turn and being repeatedly told how dirty, loud, rude, messy and bad they are.

I find more and more that being a mindful/authentic/peaceful/radical unschooling parent is the best ‘couch therapy’ around. The commitment forces the parent to look deeply into themselves, to remember and assess their own childhood, to question their personal & social obligations & standards, to learn to fully take on the perspective of another human being and see that person’s life through his eyes, to embrace the empowerment of deschooling his own life and mind of what he’s been force fed and to trust that his children will learn what they need and when they need it. By committing oneself to this way of thinking and living, one finds that her world is huge, rich and crammed with options that she can freely choose, whereas before or instead she would be oppressed and limited by self imposed power struggles, undue stress, judgments and forever trying to live up to a perfection perspective that is both unnatural and unreasonable.

If more than anything, most parents need more time with their children (the children definately need the time with their parents) and time that is free of rules, judgments and punishments. Go take some time or make it by canceling that soccer practice that your daughter hates anyways or do something even more radical and let whether or not to go away to school be your children’s free choice and then figure out what you can do to make it work for your family’s situation. When there is nothing but freedom and unconditional love, there is always a way.

I am revisiting thoughts on living with free children and being an adult (more specifically a parent) who does not hold a set of rules or expected behaviors for my child or any children I choose to associate myself with. What does that mean exactly? I do not carry around on paper or in my brain a list of things that a child can and can not do, like “no feet on the coffee table”, “don’t say fuck”, “no ’sweets’ until after dinner”, “no playing on the stairs” or “you ‘have to’ give grandma a hug”.

Shall I talk more about the list I just made…
“no feet on the coffee table” — We don’t own one, but it wouldn’t be a rule regardless. If we were at someone’s house and either myself or my son had our feet on the coffee table, I don’t see why we would not honor our host’s request that we not have our feet on the table. My son might ask why and either our host or myself would say something along the lines of, “our shoes could scratch the wood or dirt from our feet/shoes might get on the table and make it messy”. No big deal.

“don’t say fuck” — I don’t feel as though there are ‘bad’ words, there are only words and some words effect some people differently…I freely use whatever words I feel I need to in the moment for clarity or emphasis and sometimes this means saying ‘fuck’ (or other ‘bad’ words). Can my five year old say the word ‘fuck’? Why yes, yes he can and a whole host of other words, as he has a very large vocabulary! Do I care if or when he says it? I don’t care if he says it, but it’s not a word that he reaches for and he has a much more fun time saying silly things like, ‘fishsticks’, ‘fishpaste’ and other more elaborate explicatives. I maybe sort of care when/how he says it, but not really..screaming it across a grocery store wouldn’t really be cool for either of us to do and if grandma has an issue with it, then he can choose to not say it so that grandma doesn’t get upset or he say it and realize that she’ll freak out when he does. Either way, when you make a big deal out of certain words it give those words much more power than others and the desire to try and ‘get away’ with saying them could turn into a constant thing. Oh, and if he did scream it across the store, I’d explain that in the future he might not want to do that, because the word upsets some people and it upsets most people when anything is screamed across a store.

“no ’sweets’ until after dinner” — Are you kidding me? This really has more to do with weird control issues concerning adults, children and food or possibly a parent trying desperately to cling to or recreate an unrealistic misty-eyed vision of the whole family sitting down together every meal or every night. I could write a book on autonomy, food and children. Bottom line boils down to this: if you (including children) are hungry, then eat and if you want to eat ice cream for dinner, then do so. If you have health issues that don’t allow for excess sugar, then look for sugar free or low sugar frozen delectables. Seriously, no one will want to eat ice cream for dinner FOREVER; it might only seem like that for a little while if you start actually letting your children eat what they want and when they want…until they trust that you aren’t going to change your mind about your release of control over food. So what if it ‘ruins’ their dinner…they can eat leftovers when they are hungry later on.

“no playing on the stairs” — Here’s one of those ‘could be a safety issue’ things. What is meant by ‘no playing on the stairs’? Does that mean that we can’t sit on the bottom steps and play a card game? Does that mean we can’t slide down on cardboard with proper paddings & strategically placed pillows? Does that mean we can’t skip steps when going up? Does that mean that we can’t toss/roll a ball/slinky down and have someone at the bottom toss it back up? I am reaching here for things that children do on the stairs regularly that is considered ‘playing’. Possibly, we could warn an older child to mind his younger sibling or young friend when ‘playing’ on the stairs, so that s/he doesn’t get knocked down and fall down a flight of stairs, but that isn’t forbidding anyone from doing anything and it is just reminding someone of the ‘Principle’ of Safety.

“you ‘have to’ give grandma a hug” — NO, actually you don’t have to do anything with your body that you don’t want to…even something seemingly as innocent as giving grandma a hug or kiss. It might put grandma off or even hurt her feelings, but the fact remains that no one should force you to do anything with your body that you don’t feel like doing. I hear tell of children who are never coerced into ‘the hug/kiss’ and who joyfully engage in such things, but other children whose parents insist on it, will scream, run away or just outright refuse — I don’t blame them one bit. Besides, aren’t we simultaneously telling our children to never let anyone touch them or force them to do something physical that they don’t want to do and forcing them to hug grandma?!?! What kind of mixed message is that we are sending?

So, that’s a sampling of some rules and expected behaviors that are common for Mainstreamers, but not myself. I also like to model social niceties (like saying ‘please’ & ‘thank you’) rather than expect and enforce them…especially gratitude, because forced empty ‘thank you’s don’t help a child grown up to be a grateful person. Actually living and acting in ways that reflect how you want to be treated, how you want your children to be treated and how you want them to treat others is the best kind of ‘teaching’ you can do. Actually living in ways that reflect your principles (principles like: Honesty & Safety) show children a style or way of living that is acceptable and that serves you and your interactions well. It is a total parental cop out (and not one that works) to say “do as I say and not as I do”.

So, how does a child who grows up in a house/community with no rules, make it out in the ‘real world’? First, children who are NOT locked away inside a school building 5 to 7 hours a day are living in the Real World and NOT a building with literature books, math word problems and multicultural studies pretending to emulate the Real World. If children are already living in the Real World, then they are learning to navigate that Real World with the help of their family and community. There are already rules and boundaries in the Real World that children have to make decisions about…why would we spend time making up and enforcing arbitrary rules and boundaries to get our children ‘ready for Real Life’, if in fact they are living a Real Life in the Real World? It is very plain and simple that the library closes at 5pm, so if we want to go there, then we have to leave far enough in advance to arrive at the library before it closes and if we decide to stop somewhere on the way, we are also deciding that it is okay to possibly miss out on the library today.

Every person has complete authority over themselves. We choose whether or not to give another person authority over us…be that an employer, teacher, parent, government or spiritual leader/G-d. When we choose to give another person authority over us, we also choose to deal with and often accept the issues that can arise from such a relationship and power dynamic. Unfortunately, most parents don’t even begin to pretend to accept their children’s authority over their own life and that children naturally give up a great deal of authority over to their parents and other people that they form trusting relationships with and with whom they can depend on to help them navigate through unfamiliar situations. Instead, most parents assume that they have complete authority over their children and that they deserve this authority or that it is like a right to have it — I mean after all it is the parents who are feeding, clothing, housing and paying for entertainment…once again though, parents choose to have children and to do these things for them out of love and legalities.

On a parenting Meet Up forum, I’ve been spending a great deal of time defending children and talking about living peacefully with them, as well as learning to accept & work with rather than against many of their behaviors, I was trying to find another article to convey some of these ideas and I ran across one that I had missed from a long while back. It deals with living with rules vs. principles and how there is no need to create arbitrary boundaries now to ‘teach’ our children how to respect or deal with real boundaries later in life.

A World of Rules?

I have to share with everyone ‘the work’ that I just accomplished thanks to myself, RaeDawn & Byron Katie. My last three posts (and many others) have been about my issues and prejudices about other parents and their parenting. I get it now. I can connect. I no longer have to feel isolated, because I no longer have to isolate myself. I have taken the walk down the road of the story that I had and now I am leaving that story behind. I had allowed myself & my child to be ‘dragged behind the truck’ of other parents & their actions.

I finally get it. I can finally feel and give the Love that I have always wanted others to feel & give. I have so much more to say, but it is hard for me to find the words to articulate my feelings. Love. Love is what I feel right now and this moment of clarity is profound.

Isolation is something that I have dealt with and that I am still dealing with…you can tell by the amount of hurt and anger that pours out and coats most of my posts that deal with other parents or parenting in general. I have a hard time dealing with all the negativity that I see/hear when I am out and about. I am always reminding myself to be positive and reminding those close to me to do the same, but when faced with the negativity of strangers or acquaintances, I find that I can only feel negativity in response. I know that it is a choice; I could take a step back and remind myself to find the positive or at least identify the reality before me.

In Naomi Aldort’s recent newsletter, she speaks about isolation and I swear that she wrote it just for me — obviously, she didn’t and I know this! I want to share it and leave a few comments.

Reflections on Isolation

You are not alone in your parenting ways. We are all here together. And the parents who do it all differently are the same too, they just don’t know it yet. The illusion of separation hurts. If I look at a mother who yells at her child in the park and see her as ignorant and careless, I create my own isolation and pain. If, instead, I notice how she is at her wits’ end feeling helpless and out of control, I am with her. She is part of me. She is a mother in my own movie, my own life. I have a mother here with me who is having a hard time, and a child who is hurting. How can I help? For my sake, because I want a kinder view for me and my children.

If I see garbage on the ground in the park I pick it up because I want it clean. If I see a yelling parent, I want a kind parent and child, so I help. I bring kindness into the world of that moment. I may validate or offer physical help if I can and if it is needed and welcomed. If I can’t help, I hold loving and validating thoughts toward the mother and child. Sometimes a loving and understanding eye contact will make the whole difference. In that split second, the mother connects with me, knowing she is not alone, not judged; she and I are a community. She may calm down and kindness may flow through her.

Often you call with issues of isolation. No one else sleeps with their children, let them be their own way etc. Let me tell you what I see; they want to, they just don’t know and their mind, like yours, is designed to defend their position. If you see them as separate, wrong, or stupid, you isolate yourself and exclude them from the possibility of love. It is the same as with the bragging. Remember when we talked about the concept of bragging and I suggested that my children are not mine, but ours to celebrate? The other side of it is that the parts of us that are not thriving are also all ours. Another parents is part of the whole. To create peace, all of us have to get their. We must take care of every mother and child.

Taking care does not mean intervention or judgment. Only inclusion and responsibility. She is part of me. I have in my community a hurting child and parent. I help or I hold my loving thoughts. It is like having pain in my arm. My arm is part of the body I see as me and I care for it. The upset mother is also part of my universe, to be taken care of - with love.

©Copyright Naomi Aldort
With love,
Naomi

Wow! Right, so that speaks volumes and resonates with so much that I feel inside, but I also feel as though modeling, making eye contact and friendly validation is just not working. I don’t feel better when I do these things, because it doesn’t stop the inequality, violence or punitive parenting…no, I don’t want everyone to be just like me and to parent just in all the ways that I strive for, but I want them to be peaceful, for the sake of everyone.

I feel like so many around me seem to NOT want to be ‘better’ and I have a difficult time explaining to my child over and over why so & so is being yelled at or why her mum is so mean (his words) and why she can’t do all the fun things he can do. It’s not only my isolation, but my child’s. He is free, but most others are not. It brings me great pain. I really want to be able to find that connection with all mothers, but so many have so much work still to do just to be able to see what is being modeled, to hear what is being validated and to reflect and make positive changes.

I also have a hard time with the fear others hold onto…the fear of doing things outside of traditional parenting. And this fear of them ‘losing’ — losing control…as if their children are theirs to ‘control’, manipulate and program. I want to share my joy and help others find their own, but I find that the baby-steps aren’t enough and the heaping on at full force just pisses others off…there are days when I truly believe that it is a hopeless fight.

Through all my client sessions, online chatting and parenting chats with others on the same path, I know that there is hope and I know that the growing number of parents who are wanting to make a change are taking steps and gathering information…I know that we are all connected and I do not feel an isolation from them (even when there are miles between us).

I have so much love inside of me and I try to remain as mindful as possible, but the pain builds and finally erupts into judgmental ugliness from time to time. I don’t like feeling that way. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to give and feel love.

Wishing my readers a peaceful night full of love.

Ah, choices in life…we have so many of them. Many of us in the unschooling world have been discussing how many parents choose NOT to be better parents, because they are already ‘good enough’. I really don’t understand the concept of ‘good enough’ parenting.

Kelly Lovejoy wrote in a post at unschoolingbasics:

What always amazes me is when parents aren’t willing to be better parents.I get that folks generally (with exceptions) are doing the best theycan do at the time. At least the best they think they can do at the time.

It’s when they think that they can’t do/be better—that “good enough” is good enough—that’ s what blows my mind.

How can someone be a “good enough” parent? Why would that be a goal?

I *know* *I* can be better.

There are things that I do “well enough”—and I’m OK with them. Auto repair. I’m willing to pay someone for that! <g> I really don’t want to be more knowledgeable about my minivan. It’s OK. Really. Golf. It’s OK. Really! Plumbing. Mountain climbing. I don’t feel that I need to be better at any of those things. Really. <g>

I *like* being a better gardener, a better dog show judge, a better cook. Because I want to be better at these things, I work at them. If I didn’t care about getting better, I’d be happy with “good enough.”

Being a parent and a spouse are, *I* think, the two most important roles I’ll have. I can never be “good enough.”

Wise thoughts. I think it is important to not let perfection get in the way of progress when it comes to parenting. It’s unfair to have a goal of perfection, because then you spend your time focusing on how you are or are not reaching it (not that you ever will fully reach it). I find that it’s more important to focus on the moment…how could I make this moment the best it can be? I could yell, shame, cast judgment and so on for a behavior that I find unacceptable, I could say/do nothing or I could take a step back, assess how I (not those around me) really feel about the behavior, find a way to say ‘yes’ to it and then do my best to reach that goal. I could buy organic foods only when they are on sale or I could do my best to rearrange our buying, cooking & eating out habits to allow me to buy as much organic foods as possible all the time. I could decide to not attend a formal event so that my children wouldn’t have to to be under undue stress to ‘act right’ and I wouldn’t have to abuse my parental guidance by ‘making sure’ they ‘act right’. I could react as horrified when my child cuts his hair or I could help him finish the job and then style it.

It’s not only me who has these choices, it’s ALL parents, regardless of what circumstances they find themselves in — their choices might not be glorious around every corner, but there is always at least two choices in any situation. Why not choose the one that is better for everyone, the one that is more liberating for everyone, the one that honors the most autonomy and uses the least force?

First, you ask what exactly is a meme?

Second, what is the ultimate parenting meme? “We all have to do what is good/right for our family” or ” We all have the right to parent the way that works best for our family” or “Every parent gets to decide what is right for their children/family” and similar still, “What works for one family will not always work for another”. These (and many other similar memes) all have the same theme or idea, which is for one parent to butt out of or not judge another parent’s choices when it comes to raising their children, because ultimately, they have the final say on how things are going to be in their family/house.

All too often this meme is loudly repeated by mainstream/traditional parents who feel threatened, judged or even guilty about their parenting choices. It’s understandable for someone to come to their own defense when they are questioned, challenged or when negative things are spoken about how they parent. Of course, we all differ in ideologies and how we put them into practice, but what I want to talk about in regards to this meme, are the children at the heart of this all.

There appears to be some characteristics of those who preach our beloved meme. Some range from the extreme, they really don’t want to be parents & do not like children, to not believing children have a say or are deserving of mutual respect or acceptance, on further still to the ever present, ultimately, I am the parent and I know what is best and I will call the shots. Many of these people seem to be greatly inconvenienced about the fact that they are parents and that children do/say certain things, which can lead to a person being inconvenienced. Many of these parents also feel that if something looks good from the outside, then it must be working and not harboring any ill effects. After all, if it ain’t broke why in the hell would you go and try to fix it? Children have an amazing capacity to cope with less than ideal circumstances. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.

Frankly, it does take more time, more effort and more patience to be a gentle, accepting, non-punitive, non-authoritarian/permissive and a zen-like parent — even more so, if you are blessed with a spirited or indigo child. If we really want to turn this planet around and be taken care of by loving, accepting & understanding people, well, we have to treat them that way when they are babes. One of the main differences I notice is where the parents’ perspective is coming from and how they view children in general.

A traditional/mainstream parent sees a child’s actions from the parental eye and does not usually try to empathize with the child through its own perspective. Children do what they need to do, it is up to the parent to decode the child’s actions/words and understand the meaning and their motivation behind them. Here is an example:

parent: holding child’s infant sibling & nursing
child: throws block at siblings head & causes her/him to cry
mainstream parent: scolds child, says ‘no’, ‘we don’t hit’ or ‘bad child’ and comforts infant — possibly use of more punitive actions such as spanking (hitting to send the message not to hit!), time-out, threats or even throwing the block back at the child.
child: cries…hits again…screams…stomps off…any number of things trying to communicate that their messages are not being received.

or

parent: holding child’s infant sibling & nursing
child: throws block at siblings head & causes her/him to cry
parent: says (while comforting baby), ‘I do not want you to hit the baby, because it causes him pain & could seriously hurt him. I can see you must be really angry to hit the baby’.
child: [verbal] says, ‘I don’t like all the attention the baby is getting’ or ‘I need time with/to talk with you’ [non-verbal] child will crawl into parent’s lap & snuggle…sit next to parent…put arms up to be hugged or picked up…any of these could be accompanied with crying. Scenario continues with the parent actively listening to the child until the moment is consensually resolved and everyone has released their stress & anger.

Which parent are you? Which parent do you wish you were? Which parent do you think is ‘right’? I know some of you are thinking, ‘yeah, but I don’t care why the child hits the baby, he should know better than to do it & I am not going to keep my cool enough to talk-it-out’. We place an awful lot of assumptions & demands on children don’t we?

We say that children ought, should & shouldn’t do/say things all the time. Instead of worrying about what they should or shouldn’t be doing, we might accept the idea that they are doing what they need to do in the moment and then figure out why they did it. Once we know why, we can prevent it from needing to happen. Are you serious? Yes and so is Naomi Aldort!

Another issue that keeps arising is a child’s autonomy. The mainstream parents who use trainers’ methods of rewards/punishments to control a child or coerce him to behave in a certain way that is acceptable to the parent is doing her best to suppress autonomy. As most parents of teenagers know, this method of parenting backfires or fails once the child is a teenager and starts to reclaim & express his autonomy — ‘we’ like to call this ‘rebellion’. I left the following quote in a comment here:

“It doesn’t have to be a win/lose situation. If one is going to offer options/choices, then they have to be able to accept that every once in a while, the answer will just be a plain ‘no…none of those will work for me’. Otherwise, you really are not offering any real choices…only those that suite *your* case.

Autonomy is not something we ‘allow’, it’s something that is always there and will be expressed whether we like it or not. The choice is ours as to whether or not we want to honor another person’s being, work with them and find a win/win solution. If we choose not to function like this, then we choose to deal with tantrums, fits, aggression, violence, lying and so forth — these are all desperate attempts at asserting one’s autonomy when s/he feels oppressed.”

Children do what they need to do in the moment…often times parents don’t actively listen until a child’s autonomous expression is very extreme, all hell has broken loose and everyone is breaking down.

The post that comment is from mentioned the parent owning the house and paying for things in the house…this reminds me of the ‘guest phenomenon’. As a whole, society tends to favor guests over children — with the exception of children who are guests. When we have guests, we usually invite them into our homes or at the very least accept their arrival. We take into consideration their dietary preference & do not expect them to eat certain foods or certain amounts of foods. We do not shame, punish them or ‘cut off’ privileges for accidents, such as spilling soda on the couch. We do not tell/force them to go to bed. We go out of our way to make them feel accepted, loved and to understand their needs so that they can be met. We even do this with children who are guests in our homes, but most mainstream parents wouldn’t begin to consider treating their own children in such a manner. Our children are our house guests.

Spiritual ideas/debates aside, children do not choose to be born, we invite them into our lives and our homes. Children are not selective eaters or clumsy while carrying sodas to make our lives miserable or to manipulate us. Children are able to listen to their body’s messages about hunger and sleep needs. Children are living in a home that no, they didn’t buy or work hard to decorate, but they are in the space (without much of a choice either) and should be afforded the comforts & rights as everyone else sharing the space and have the environment arranged so that they can actually LIVE in the space — we would have no issues rearranging and altering our homes for elderly parents or disabled family members who were coming to live with us. What is worse about this ‘house guest’ phenomenon is that not only do many of us treat guests better than our children, but we often treat the family dog/cat better than our own children.

Why do we treat children like second class citizens and why do we find that we can continue to do so, because everything is ‘working for us’? We feel we are entitled to do whatever we want and no one can pass judgment or offer criticisms, because we are still trying to reclaim our autonomy. We are still rebellious teenagers who don’t want our parents telling us how to live. We also find ourselves without the tribe or village there to help and show us the way…we are doing it by ourselves and most mums (as primary caregiver) are even more isolated. Our parents did such & such to us and we still turned out alright (so will our children). But, are you really alright? Wouldn’t you like to be better than alright and surely, don’t we all want our children to be more than just alright…don’t we want them to have better than us?

We are raised in a culture that does everything in its power to separate the child from the parent. We demand that children become independent and separate from us at an early age. They must learn to sleep by themselves, to be a ‘good’ baby and to ‘mind/listen’ to us. We have bottles, formula, cribs, swings, nannies & sitters, early childhood education, tv programming for babies, crying-it-out, classes for tots, little/no leave from work, unpaid leave from work, put the baby down now - it has to learn, baby monitors and so on & so on. Everything we are sold/told is yet another device, sevice or method to keep us from our children, from physically being there, from getting to learn who they are and we wonder why when they are teenagers, we have no idea who they are. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.

Back to the meme. “It’s working for me/us, so butt out”. Is it really working or only on some days and under the right circumstances? Will it still work when your child realizes that she is her own person and autonomy rears its face? Children are the barometers of the family and they are like holding up a mirror to ourselves — if they are having ‘fits’, we must be having them too. Why is it so hard for people to make the same concessions for children that they make for adults?  We do not like children. Rather, we do not like autonomous children, children with a voice, children who are felt, seen & heard. We expect them to ‘behave‘ the way we want and when we want them to. Mainstream parents do not seem to understand the merit in meeting our children halfway, finding win-win solutions and finding ways to accept them as they are without trying to change them. We are raised in a culture that glorifies and almost requires instant gratification — there is nothing instant when it comes to authentic or gentle parenting. It appears to be easier to use our assigned authority, our psychological size and our physical size to coerce or manipulate our children and their behavior.

Is it really ‘working’? The following is a snippet of a conversation from an online forum that I belong to (names have been removed on purpose). It is in regards to unschooling, but as you know, radical or whole life unschoolers do not see a demarcation between parenting and education. Bracketed words are mine.

 sounds like it’s working for your family.? and he’s satisfied with what you’re doing.? how could that not be the “correct” way??

**************************************************************

This is a general comment, not related to the specific topic (or poster!) but to the ideas in the statement above.
It’s possible for things to be “working” in a family where the kids are just going along with what mom and dad want, because its easier or because the kids are natural people-pleasers [or out of fear of punishment]. That doesn’t mean parents are being respectful in the sense of striving to understand the kids’ perspectives, and value those perspectives.
Its possible for kids to be satisfied when parents have managed to make the world small. Kids have an amazing capacity to make the best of things! Unschooling is about making the world big and broad and exciting for out kids - because kids want to learn about everything!

Mainstream parents are not buying this! I’m sure some might be familiar with this set up and conversation:

Friend: how is soccer going for Sarah?
Parent: Oh, good. She’s made captain.
F: Does she enjoy it still after all these years?
P: Oh, sure, she’s happy.
F: Have you asked her if she’s happy, if she still wants to play?
P: No (or, what kind of a question is that). Should I, she seems happy & hasn’t asked to quit.

This conversation could go on for awhile and take some turns. Sarah seems happy, so why ask her and risk finding out that she’s in fact not happy, hates soccer and wants to quit or that she really likes soccer, but not this team anymore or she needs more help with practice than you are willing to give out? Why? Because, you want to be respectful, accepting and helpful in guiding Sarah to be her best and to find/develop her passions in life. Yes, this is necessary and not just once children reach a certain age…it starts at birth. You can’t make Sarah like soccer, but if she does, you can help her get as much enjoyment out of it as possible. Sarah might not like the fact that you decided to have a baby after all these years of her being the only child…it’s your place to help her cope and find ways to make sure everyone feels loved, appreciated and respected.

We also make so many of our parenting decision based on what we think others will say about us. Without thinking about how we really feel about a behavior, we pass judgment, correct, stop and coerce a child, because someone else might think or say something negative about us. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.

You can’t wear your costume; we are going out in public.
I can’t hold the baby all the time or people will think she’s spoiled.
We can’t co-sleep, because the baby might never leave our bed.
No, you can’t dye your hair purple, grandmother will have a fit.
You have to sit in service and not go play on the playground.
You have to share.
Brush your hair, clean your face and tuck your shirt in.
What will people say about us when they find out you have your navel pierced?

And this list keeps going and going…is ever expanding to make up reasons why some kind of action is not allowed. What is more important, how happy & fulfilled our children are or what someone might say about us? I know those happy children when I see them…they often have chocolate and or marker smears on their faces, disheveled hair, smiling faces, mismatching socks and are carrying around a trick-or-treat pumpkin in July! This doesn’t mean that happy kids can’t be clean and neat, but rarely are they clean and neat without parental input or coercion.

Do we have the right to speak out against parental practices that are punitive, coercive, not respectful and those which do not honor the child as a whole person? Yes. Actually, we have a duty to bring information to light to break the cycle of traditional parenting. Our friends, colleagues, family, acquaintances and so on, come to us on a regular basis to ask our advice on parenting, to compare notes or to use us as a sounding board for their decisions. Those moments are the time to impart ideas, change minds and share your joy. Pointing out how a parent is treating their child and how that treatment relates to the issues they are having or trying to avoid can be very eye opening and transforming. Often times we just can not stop listening to those old tapes running in our heads and we need someone to step in and remind us of what kind of parent we want to be. Of course, mainstream parents do not like to be told that what they are doing isn’t respectful of their children and might actually be causing more harm in the long run…no one wants to be told this, but many of us aren’t very good at changing until we’ve become upset and have been given cause to reflect on just what we are doing versus what we want to be doing.

This wasn’t really meant to be so long or to be such a rant, but it happened. People continue to amaze me with how narrowly they view parenting, like it is not connected to everything else, like our decisions now do not effect the future. Parenting choices seem to be always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children. Maybe it is just my neo-hippie ass and my beatnik baby, but I want to be mindful of the entire process, the whole picture and not just what is right in front of me. In the meantime, I will continue to be respectful towards and accepting of my child, because it’s working for he and I.

For more information on things relevant to this rant:

Consensual Living
Authentic Parenting (video)
Parenting Peacefully
Effective Parenting
Living Joyfully
Radical Unschooling

If you want book recommendations, let me know.

Should your child (or mine) *have to* share? No.

Do you or I *have to* share? No.

I’ve been thinking this idea over for some time now and I’ve felt pulled both ways for various reasons. I’ve spent the last few months trying to keep my mouth shut when Elijah and I are with other people and their children. When E and a friend start to argue over the use or ownership of a toy. I was more interested in what the other adults had to say and thought to do, rather than what the children might end up doing.

Believe me it is hard to keep your mouth shut, especially when you get the feeling that the other parent is drilling holes into your head with his/her eyes, because you are not ‘making’ your child share. Somehow, I have made it through this with all my wits still together.

Because I respect my son’s feelings, personal autonomy and of course his personal belongings, I don’t ‘make’ him share. If something is his (meaning it belongs to him, was purchased by or for him, etc.) then he has the right to share or not share it and to do so with or without a reason — that reason need not be ‘acceptable’ to anyone but himself either.

I know that I have said no to my friends on plenty of occasions when they’ve asked to borrow something. I’ve always been respected and no one has even tried to make me feel awkward or shameful for not lending or giving something out. Does my son or your children not deserve this same social arrangement, respect of personal property and autonomy?

In my search online to find other parents’ ideas about sharing and whether or not it really is caring, I found a wonderful article by Ela Forest (majikfaerie) and in it Ela speaks about how she handles sharing with her daughter Sequoia Littletree. The article sums up exactly how I feel about the subject. Enjoy.

I just finished listening to Sarah Parent’s podcast on unschooling sleep, which was great. I wanted to talk briefly about unschooling and sleep while it is fresh in my mind.

I think one of the most asked questions I get from mainstream parents is, ‘how do you get your son to sleep that long?’ or ‘…to sleep until XXX?’ My quick answer is always, ‘I don’t force him to bed at 7pm (or any arbitrary time).’ This seems like sound logic to me. The question askers either admit that it is crazy to be doing the insane things they do to try and force their kiddos to bed at 7, 8 and 9pm, just to turn around and bitch about having to wake up at 5am with them — Or they complain that they would never get anything done, or have free time/sex time or just fill in the blank with whatever-you-want-time!

Sometimes the people doing the asking have kids in daycare/school or are planning on having them enrolled in one of those in the near future and they can’t see how respected sleep cycles and structured institutions can mesh well. Well, they don’t mesh well. Yet another reason to add to your list of pros and cons when deciding whether or not to force your children into a setting they might not want to be in…especially when you have options (I didn’t say stress-free options) to not ‘have to’ force them into school/daycare. How important is subjecting a child to school, if they can’t even have freedom when it comes to their personal body and cycles? Maybe there are those out there who don’t see it as forcing, because they just see school as ‘unavoidable’, so their kids just have to get used to it.

Do you enjoy or would you enjoy someone else informing you when you are tired and when to go to bed? Are you currently in a situation where you ‘have to’ go to bed at a certain time, because you ‘have to’ get up at a certain time? Thankfully, children don’t ‘have to’ go to school.

Up until this last year & a half, I know that I was like most parents when it came to bed time. I rarely forced my son to bed, but it was clear that when I chose the time (which was not consistent) that was it. Now, unlike most parents, we are co-sleepers (only part-time since about 2 1/2 years ago) and I would have never let Elijah ‘cry-it-out’. I usually laid there with him until he fell asleep. It was still coercion, but better than most. Now, it’s been more of, ‘Now is the time for me to read to you, if you want me to read and for daddy & I to have some time alone. You can quietly play your Leapster or read/play in your room until you go to sleep. Here’s some water, a snack and some love.’

Does that mean I don’t still have nights where I am about to cry or scream, because E is so tired that he’s fighting it with every ounce of his body? No. But, I try to remember that it will pass and I try to help him get what he needs so that he can calm down inside. Trial and error some nights, but most are quite uneventful.

I know in the past on this blog someone mentioned in the comments that their child wasn’t able to regulate their own sleep cycles, because when the commenter ‘let’ her do it, she stayed up for many days in a row with no sleep and didn’t eat well and etc. Apparently, she ended up getting really sick. Now, I don’t know all the factors involved with this particular situation, but it sounds like what I have heard described by several parents as to what happened to them during the de-schooling or unschooling of sleep period with their children. Their children went from having bedtime be this truly painful event to completely rebelling against it, pushing past physically acceptable boundaries and then they did eventually come back down to their own autonomous sleep cycles. They were only able to find their own cycles, because their parents guided & supported them through this de-schooling period. Ridding one’s life of forced and coerced traditions, cycles and experiences is often painful, debilitating and scary as hell.

I have some more links to share with you about sleep, children and unschooling:
Sandra Dodd on Sleeping
Sandra Dodd on Bedtimes
What do you mean no bedtimes?

What are your thoughts on sleep? Do you have problems with sleep now as an adult, because of how sleep with forced on you as a child? Are you struggling through the rebellious de-schooling part of unschooling sleep?

I am always trying to advocate this idea to everyone I meet. I talk about being authentic to yourself and your child. Honoring the authentic needs and abilities of those around you. I’ve mentioned being authentic to my homebirthing clients’ needs. I hope that one day we can all learn this ability and rebuild our ‘tribes’ for the sake of everyone’s wellbeing.

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: Rethinking Sociality ::

We humans are social animals, and for the vast
majority of humanity’s time on Earth, human societies
took the form of *tribes*.

Modern civilization has undermined our innate
sociality in many ways. For example, the “virtue” of
self-sacrifice for the collective good defies our
natural pleasure orientation.

In a healthy tribal society, where everyone is
emotionally *attuned* with everyone else, individual
and collective pleasure go hand in hand, for there is
more pleasure to be had when one’s choices serve both
oneself *and* the collective.

But in our society, with its complexity, alienation,
and legacy of “dominator” values, it takes an
extraordinary kind of consciousness for one to
re-create that interpersonal attunement in a way that
actually feels good.

Think about the things you say and do in order to “be
social” — especially around your children and other
parents. Do you ever sacrifice your authenticity to
appear “good” or “nice”?

You may notice that being socially appropriate (i.e.,
doing/saying the “right” thing) frequently requires
you to be INauthentic.

For example, in certain parenting situations you may
feel social pressure to *control* your child when
you’d rather be relaxed and accepting.

Quite often the real purpose of “being social” is
to protect others from their own small-mindedness.
Such is the case when mothers are pressured to
avoid nursing in public.

So being authentic — even when it seems “anti-social”
– may actually be *more* social, because it creates
opportunities for others to question their limiting
beliefs.

When you honor Who You Really Are — *and* you
look beyond others’ disempowering beliefs to honor
Who THEY Really Are — you contribute to the greater
good of society.

Today, whenever you choose authenticity over
conventional sociality, decide that you *are* being
social… They just don’t know it yet!

http://dailygroove.net/sociality

Feel free to forward this message to your friends!
(Please include this paragraph and everything above.)
Copyright (c) 2008 by Scott Noelle

I blogged a little bit ago about my son and the television. For those of you who have been wondering how we were doing on this front, I thought that I would share an update. After a few rough days (about a week) I am happy to say that we are pretty much back to normal. Elijah has not asked for his t.v. nor has be complained about anything regarding television. He has started to watch t.v. with us again if we are watching something that he’s interested in (Mythbusters, Anthony Bourdain, How It’s Made, Ninja Warrior, etc.) and he and I have watched a few movies together.

The other evening I was doing laundry. Since our laundry is in the basement, I tend to watch t.v. down in the finished part of the basement (our ‘den’) while waiting for loads to finish and whatnot. Elijah was down there asking me questions about this and that and asked me what I was doing. I asked him if he wanted to help me find something to watch on t.v. and he simply replied that he was too busy with other stuff!

I don’t think we really have an issue anymore and I fully believe that this momentary inner struggle with personal limits and experiementing with moderation is over. I asked Elijah if he wanted his t.v. back in his room and he wasn’t interested in it now.

Our ‘new obsession’ is online games! We spend at least a couple hours a day playing really awesome online games. I will have to post some links to some of our favorite online games and game sites.