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A Typical Day for an Unschooler?

February 15, 2009 in Education, Life, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy, Unschlog with 16 Comments

People are always asking me what a ‘typical’ day in our life looks like. Not, because we are really cool people (that might be one reason), but because we are unschoolers and unschooling is really fascinating and ‘exotic’ to so many. My typical response to the question is, “imagine what you do on the weekends and during holiday/Summer breaks with your family/children…that’s what we do every day” and this seems to be enough of an answer for some, but not everyone.

Everyone, it seems, wants to know what unschoolers do (or don’t do, as the ‘un’ in unschooling might imply). I guess the main issue is that so many people can not imagine a life lived without school and without school being the major focal point for at the least the first 25 years of a person’s life. When I tell people that we live as though school doesn’t exist, they always ask, “but how do you live like that…how can you live like that?’. Most people can not imagine what their lives would be like or would have been like without school (of some kind or another). For a lot of people, the idea of living without school is actually a scary thought…as though they have/would have no other purpose than to amass facts, figures, dates, names and grades…as though there is nothing else to take the place of school..as though school is life; life is school — life lived as though school didn’t exist would be meaningless, careless…chaotic at best.

When did Life become so scary that we needed to hide from it by going to school — that’s what I really want to ask these people. When did Life become so devoid of learning, knowledge and success that we decided to ‘learn’ about Life by removing ourselves from it and placing ourselves into institutions that claim to have the secrets to living a Life of success, knowledge and learning? I’m still trying to figure out how Life has evaded so many seemingly intelligent people. Maybe I am confusing intelligence with an amassing of facts, figures, dates, names and grades…I might be, but I’ve had substantial and satiating conversations with several people. I went through the same system of ‘education’ that most American’s have gone through and I know that I am much more than a repository for useless factoids and ‘skills’ that have no real connection or purpose in my Life.

Maybe that’s it. Maybe it is the fact that I have freely chosen to own my Life, to question those that seek to hold authority over me, to denounce oppression and to pass on that Freedom and Choice to my child. Maybe that’s why I don’t see a reason for school and why the benefits I received from my schooling were few and far between. Maybe that’s why I have no issue or problem with living Life as though school doesn’t exist. If one does not want to own or is coerced into not owning her own life, then living the life of school makes perfect sense and is almost a necessity in order to survive.

I’m glad to see more people coming to unschooling, reclaiming their lives and making it possible for their children to actually have Freedom and Choice.

But…what does a ‘typical’ day look like? It looks like the ‘typical’ day of most families, but without the rushing around to and from school…without the rushing to and from after-school or extra-curricular activities…without the constant worry if our child is going to pass, be bullied or make the team…without very little family time because of extra-curricular activities and hours of homework. So, I guess our ‘typical’ day is nothing like the days of most families at all, because even on the weekends, most other people’s lives are invaded by school in some way or another.

We wake up when we choose.
We eat when and what we choose.
We wear what we choose.
We watch/play/read/explore what we choose.
We go or don’t go to places we choose.
We make/bake/construct/destroy what we choose.
We make as much or as little noise as we choose.
We make meaningful connections based on things we choose.
We give and receive Love in ways we choose.
We seek to understand the ‘why’ behind what we choose.
We explore concepts & ideas that we choose.
We think & speak thoughts that we choose.
We end the day and sleep when we choose.

Some days are stuffed full of things to do and activities. Some days are very quiet and slow with very little going on. But, even on slow and quiet days, we are learning something and enjoying our lives. We are living life as it comes. We are in the Real World and living Real Life right now, as opposed to only on the weekends or after years and years of schooling. We are figuring out what we need, want and what is important to us right now and not waiting for someone else to tell us what we should want or what we should find important. Sometimes it all looks like ‘play’ and sometimes much of it looks like ‘work’, but it’s ALL learning, ALL of the time and it is ALL important.

That might sound fine and all ‘rainbows and kittens’ to many, but they want to know specifics. What about math. Reading. History. First, math, reading or what have you is not some crazy foreign thing that we don’t need or that we won’t tackle without being told when and how from a curriculum served at a school. We all need to know basic math: add & subtract for finances; fractions for cooking & measurements for time and building. These basic math concepts and tools are those that we face head on in our daily lives and figure out on the fly when we need to…real math in context and with real meaning to our lives. If we need to know higher math and more complex concepts to achieve our goals then we will learn those concepts and with help if need be. We all need to know how to read on a basic level to understand cooking directions, reading what’s in our box of cereal, what the headlines are in the newspaper, to read road signs and other safety signs…reading things that are in context with and relevant to our lives. Reading on a more advanced level helps us gain more access to knowledge and as we seek out more knowledge, we will be faced with a more advanced vocabulary of words, which again, we will figure out and with help if need be.

One huge difference between an unschooled life and a schooled life is that a schooled life requires activities, explorations and concepts to be divided by ‘subjects’ and portioned out in amounts and at times that someone else dictates. In an unschooled life, nothing is pigeonholed into categories or portioned out by some kind of authority figure of knowledge. Every ‘subject’ is covered almost every day and they all bleed into one another and are not easily divided. While I can sit down and make a list of everything we did in a day (both ‘schooly’ and non ‘schooly’ looking things) and translate each moment into educationese and assign ‘subjects’ to each moment (bubble blowing is science at its best — viscosity, surface tension, saponins, air pressure — I mean, a popular 200 page book for crying out loud.), I don’t want to waste time doing such boring and soul-sucking tasks…it takes all the fun out of life and takes all the fun AND learning out of an afternoon spent blowing bubbles.

But…if a child is not forced to learn (forced learning is not learning but only forced memorization) and is always free to choose what, where and how, then she is surely to have gaps in her knowledge and education. Of course the child will have gaps if you compare her to another child or to your idea of what children should know (we ALL have gaps when this is done to us, regardless of our educational background), but there will not be any gaps when you compare her to herself and to her passions and goals. It is hard to grow up fully immersed in the Real World surrounded by supportive people and not have a varied base of knowledge with a handful of areas you are particularly strong or quite knowledgeable in. It is very easy to attend school where you are surrounded by people who are around the same level of clueless as yourself, expected to read the same books, study the same time periods/concepts, to reach for the same goals and to come out the other end not knowing much about anything or nothing at all, really. However, that is exactly how the system is intended to work and it is indeed working.

A fellow Anarchist and unschooling teen recently had these words to say:

“There’s only what LIFE looked like today. Learning IS living, and living IS learning, so why differentiate between the two? If I’m living, I’m learning, and obviously if I’m learning, I’m living!”

I could not agree more.

 

Rants Pointing Out Stupidity

January 24, 2009 in Education, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy with 4 Comments

I love the inter-web (a.k.a the Internet). Upon searching for a particular rant concerning other people, their stupidity, toasters and “school” (don’t ask), I inadvertently stumbled unto this brilliant gem below by Craig of Furrowed Brow Smile and The Wonderful Happens.

Someone was in our house the other day – as part of a larger group – asking, or rather stating, “so, you school at home do you?” (ugh… what an awful term). She’s a teacher. The statement was also easily recognized as bit of a set-up since she already knew the kids didn’t go to school. What was interesting was that the four of us had the same reaction: silence and a continuation of what we were doing. Then from the sublime came the ridiculous: “do you have desks where you do your work from?” More silence (and audible grunts) from the adults; laughter from the kiddos. Eventually one of us attempted to point out that our learning took place everywhere but the hand gesture meant to imply not only the house but the entire world around us was interpreted as pointing to the window seat. This seemed to satisfy her and the questions ceased as she embraced herself in the knowledge that we taught our kids on a 5×3 foot section of Ikea-fabric encased foam. Next time I’ll point to the toaster.

wow! I will be forever amazed by what I can find on the Internet and what people will ask myself and others about what it is exactly that we do (or don’t do). I really truly try to be patient, because I know that for a lot of people, the concept of homeschooling (let alone unschooling) is foreign (like a language can be) for so many people…especially those who are in the field of education AND can not allow themselves the mental image of children thriving without their “expertise”.

I’ll admit it; home-education or living a school-free life is NOT what is ingrained in our psyches and to actively go against what is drilled into us, can at times, feel ‘wrong’, but usually it feels (or at least ends up feeling) liberating, joyful and ‘right’. For someone who has spent at least 4 years (usually many more) to gain the ‘right’ to ‘teach’ our children to be faced with a family that blatantly shuns the institution, lives in such a way that is the complete opposite of the institution AND who have seemingly bright children, it can be unbelievable and said person might take it personally. I mean after all, they spent all this time in school themselves, spent years at their job and they work VERY hard at their job and here’s this family just living life — who do they think they are to just live life — and pointing out all that is inherently wrong with the institution. I can see why teachers feel threatened…

Please explain to me why people still think you *have to*:

sit in a chair…at a desk
read by a certain magical age
have a qualified/certified ‘teacher’
use textbooks/workbooks/worksheets
walk in a straight line/raise your hand
use hall passes to take a leak
spend 3 to 8 hours with children of the same age and relatively same level of intelligence
follow a specific scope and sequence
do what everyone else is doing
not spend considerable amounts of time on things that bring you Joy and that you are passionate about
spend considerable amounts of time ‘learning’ about things YOU don’t need to know right now
read certain stories/books at certain times
take tests/quizzes
memorize lots of names, dates and factoids that have no real meaning or connection to your life
know the ‘times table’

…to have an education or to be educated…notice there are so many other inane and asinine things I left off this list. Oh, yeah and why do people still believe that you *have to* spend 3 to 8 hours a day for 10 to 13 years sheltered inside an institution away from the Real World all while reading about the Real World and trying desperately to comprehend Real World situations and skills without actually living in the Real World where one might find themselves in said situations using said skills and doing all of this in theory to prepare one for living in the Real World…why not just skip the middle man and actually live in the Real World?

I understand that for some families (even after creative thinking and problem solving) school is the ‘best’ option or at least the ‘best’ option for the time being. I really feel sorry for these families, because their children are being tortured (even the ones who ‘love’ school) on some level. Okay, maybe tortured is a bit extreme, but is it really? As much as I advocate for families living school-free lives, I also advocate for the current education model (public, private and charter) to be replaced with democrat free schools and for compulsory education to be a thing of the past. Every man woman and child should be in charge of their own education. At least if families have to take advantage of free or reduced priced childcare, it can be at a free school where a child can be in charge of his education and where he won’t be treated like an inmate or second-class citizen.

As for finding the original rant I was looking for…no luck yet, but sometimes it’s nice to not be able to find what you are looking for…it can mean finding even better things.

 

Aldort Amazes and Astounds Me Again

January 19, 2009 in Parental, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy with 0 Comments

So, Naomi Aldort always amazes and astounds me. She is Joy, Peace and Love to the fullest. A true teacher/wise-wombyn without judgment. I just wanted to post up the Reflections and an interview from her latest newsletter. The things she mentions about not relying on outside experts and information and “going inside” oneself are the very things that I try very hard to convey to clients and other people. Oh how clouded our minds and intuitions become when we worry about others and how they perceive us and ‘doing it right’. So, here the end of the newsletter in its entirety.

*********************************************************************************************

6) Reflections as a prologue to Tamara’s interview on baby’s crying:

Most modern parents believe what the doctors, media, schools and magazines tell them like it was truth. You are reading this newsletter, because you stopped believing these cherished ideas about letting babies cry, cribs, disciplining, telling children what to do, etc. You started listening to your inner voice of love instead.

One of the greatest core brainwashing themes we suffer from is the idea of “proof” and of being “scientific.” Since quantum physics, scientists themselves are starting to shy away from believing that the way we “prove” things has any merit, or that our “scientific” thinking and lab work is a proof at all. If anything it is one limiting way of thinking and often far from truth. It is only provable within its own rules. Yet most people are not able to see truth in front of their eyes if they look for “proof.”

A mother asked me, “how do I know that its all right for my baby to breastfeed and fall asleep on the breast?” Looking for evidence, she missed the proof. Thinking that the baby doesn’t know took this mother away from the loudest truth: reality. The baby is nursing and falling asleep. That’s how I know that this is what the baby should do. He does it.

Babies, birth and children existed before the idea of science and proofs. Children are raised best not by scientists but by mothers whose instincts are unharmed by science and who trust themselves and don’t look for approval or guidance outside. When we see the baby and child without layers of thoughts, the baby and child learns to do the same and become rooted inside.

There are so many ideas we have believed in the last century about health and sickness, food, viruses, bacteria. We only know what we hold as real from someone else and from linear thinking (unlike quantum thinking). These food and health “facts” are not facts, just like the fear that the baby will grow up sexually distorted if he sleeps with you is not true. When I don’t look to read someone else’s thesis and “proof” I live here and now. I don’t invent the wheel, but I also don’t build my life on verbal confusion. I always check with me and respond to my baby.

As you read the following interview with Tamara, keep in mind this cultural drive for evidence. Instead of looking for science, look for the greatest evidence on earth, you, your baby, reality, and the only time there is: Now.

7) Responding to your crying baby:

The following is an email dialogue that ended up like a sort of an interview. It is from Tamara, who is still working on editing and will have it on her site soon. The background is the same search for proofs instead of being with love and connection to what is in front of us.



                     Responding to Your Crying Baby

-An Interview with Naomi Aldort -




Responding to Your Crying Baby

-An Interview with Naomi Aldort -

Interviewer: Tamara Parnay


Tamara: How to respond to my crying baby? This is a question that comes up for many mothers. Do you consider the tender holding of one’s crying baby to be in and of itself a soothing maternal response?


Naomi: I avoid the word “soothing” as that creates the idea of rejecting the crying. Being in arms simply keeps the baby feeling safe, connected, and loved unconditional of his emotional expression.


If all the baby’s needs are met and if the mother knows clearly that the baby is unleashing emotions and needing a loving listener and a sense of rightness, then holding, validating, and connecting is a loving and supportive response.


The baby who is in arms does not usually need to resort to crying to communicate a need. A gentle cue gets the mother’s response. Therefore, when a baby in arms cries it is often not for a basic need but for a different reason, often to unleash emotions. Assuming the baby was in arms at all times, a mother knows quickly if there is a problem (pain, discomfort, medical, fear…). She even knows when her baby is going to cry before it happens.


T: Do you believe it’s possible at times for additional maternal responses, such as rocking or bouncing, to stifle or discourage a baby’s complete release of crying?


Naomi: Yes. The message becomes: You must stop crying. Instead it is better to stay connected emotionally, spiritually and physically to join where the baby is and be with her. When we panic and try every trick on earth to stop the crying, we tell the child in essence, “Your emotional expression is wrong, scary, unwanted and must be stopped.” In that case we are rejecting the baby’s feelings and self-expression.


T: What are your views about the advice to maintain a search for solutions (looking to uncover the unmet needs) to the baby’s crying, rather than taking a moment to hold the baby, breathe deeply, get in touch with one’s love for the baby and oneself, and feel acceptance for the crying?


Naomi: Initially: respond to the need when it is clear; nurse, change diaper, move, sleep, food, hug.


T: Sometimes I automatically knew that there wasn’t a need for nursing, diaper change, motion, sleep, etc. So, it seemed to me that I went straight to holding and being with my babies in order to give them a safe and loving place to cry. However, when I think about it, I did do an almost instant, assessment, often in my head.


On occasion, when I was feeling stressed and unaccepting of my baby’s crying, I would simply hold him even just for a moment, breathe deeply, get in touch with my love for him, and find acceptance for him just as he was, tears and all. Sometimes that helped calm us both. And sometimes, in this state of stillness and peace, answers appeared.


Naomi: Yes. I always am careful to mention first responding… because I have actually observed mothers whose intuition is buried so deep, that they don’t notice that there is a need. I see in public mothers holding a baby who CLEARLY asks to breastfeed, and they don’t seem to notice it. I sometimes say, “I think she wants to nurse,” and the mother is surprised…  So, we cannot assume that mothers have their intuition up front, unfortunately.


A mother who has a healthy connection with her baby knows when he has a need to cry, can stay present, loving and honoring his needs, need not search for solutions because there is no problem, or you may say, she found the solution. We all would love to sometimes cry in the arms of a loving mother/friend who lets us fall apart and does not fall apart by our agony. The baby counts on you for this unconditionally loving support. If he needs to cry and mother seems shaken and disturbed it is very unsettling and scary for the baby.


However, it is not always this easy for mothers. We have been working hard in the AP community to help mothers be responsive. We moved away from letting the baby cry, to realizing that crying is his way to communicate. So the message is confusing at times. Most attachment parenting mothers go for the medal in a baby who never cries. So this means that they meet all the needs but sometimes may stifle the baby’s need to cry.


Learning to distinguish crying for a need, from the need to cry is not always easy and I for one am big on helping mothers find the wisdom inside of them to make this distinction.


T: How might the baby interpret continuing efforts to search out solutions to his crying? Does he continue to sense his mother’s unconditional love for him? And what is the impact on the mother?


Naomi: When crying does not seem to point to a tangible need, it is important to stop the search for a fix so the baby knows that crying is fine and that mother stays content, peaceful and supportive. When we are busy trying to stop his crying, the baby has no idea why we try to stop him and learns to suppress his own feelings, please us, detach from himself, and more.


T: It seems to me there can be a fine line between discouraging crying and using soothing responses while searching for causes for the crying. How do you feel about this? Do you believe it is common for mothers distinguish between soothing their babies during an outpouring of emotion and trying to stop the crying?


Naomi: With the way most modern mothers have been raised, many do not make this distinction. They may soothe and not realize that they are rejecting the child’s emotional expression, or, they might think they are supporting crying while the baby actually has a need. So, as you see, with my many years of counseling parents world wide, I don’t see any rights and wrongs, only mothers and babies; one at a time.


T: Regarding the idea of the mother-baby unit, “mamatoto,” and how the mother and baby’s needs are inextricably linked, would taking this special relationship into account affect the way you suggest how mothers might go about responding to their babies’ crying?


This differs from mother to mother in our society. Remember that most mothers were raised with one degree or another of disconnection when they were babies and children. We do need to take this fact into account with compassion. A mother’s ability to be one with the baby varies with the amount of pain she has experienced through her life.


This beautiful connection, when present, is the best guide. But, our society’s confusing messages are hard to escape even when doing AP fully. Ideally, yes. If the mother listens only to her baby and herself, free of needing approval and from the voices of others, she would respond optimally.


T: Can you point me to any articles or books you know of that deal with this topic?


Yes: My new 4 CD set, Raising Competent Children Through Attachment Parenting, It is an interview that covers this issue among many other themes, from babies though young children. In addition the 2CD set, Babies and Toddlers to Tame or to Trust is an attachment parenting class, and, my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, answer this question as well.


I truly know of nothing else that is clear of full primal mother child connection while at the same time values emotional power, self-expression, and self-realization. It seems everyone is still reacting to the pain of letting babies cry themselves to sleep, with the reactive panic to stop the crying, even when the crying is the actual need.


T: There seems to be an increasing reliance on scientific research-based advice used in attachment parenting education to back attachment parenting as the “right” way to parent. I personally think the research is useful for doctors and other specialists, and I find it interesting to read, but I do not use it as advice on how to parent.


I think of it as external advice, and I believe it is so important for us mothers to be encouraged to get in touch with our internal “advice,” meaning our intuition, our maternal wisdom, and especially our love for our children. I sense that much, if not all, of the parenting knowledge we need resides within us, and I worry that parents, especially us mothers, aren’t being empowered. Seems we need most of all to get in touch with our love, and be free to respond to our children from that place of love within us. Love so often provides us with the answers we need.


Naomi: Well said. Go inside is my song of the milenium. It is the song of Byron Katie and other spiritually awake leaders. It is the song of love and connection. When I counsel, I take the mother back to herself. She has the answers, only she didn’t see them. If I only give answers, she is dependent on external source again. When I facilitate her ability to go inside for answers, she has the wise master within her at all times.


It is my main teaching, to look inside, not outside. I have noticed this problem with AP, making it yet another outside guide for mothers. And I already see the results daily. Most of my clients are mothers who followed this advice and call me with the question: Why is my child so aggressive and unable to feel or have things not go her way?


T: So, you are saying that there is a way to respond to the need to cry such that the baby gains emotional strength?


Yes. We have been supportive of feelings, which is good. Raising powerful people is the next step. We always respond to crying, but responding does not always mean stopping it. A powerful person can have sadness and stay powerful precisely because he is not afraid to feel, and he knows that he is loved while being sad.


In a way, our fear of crying as self-expression has caused some mothers to go against the baby. We must now learn to go with the baby and child. But, always respond to needs first. Why give a loving ear to the crying if the reason for it can be eliminated? And, on the other side, why reject the baby’s crying if that’s what he needs to do?


This is the reason I like to guide mother contextually rather than in content. I like to help mothers gain clarity from the inside rather than giving information and tricks. Telling the mother what to do is like giving food to the hungry. It is good, but even better is teaching the hungry to grow food or hunt. I teach mothers to trust themselves and their babies. I help them remove the clutter of thoughts from childhood, media and culture, that prevent them from being clear about their baby’s crying and other needs.


T: To summarize, in responding from a place of love for her baby, and acceptance for his crying, a mother will often intuitively know what her baby needs?


The love toward a baby and child does not lie. When a mother comes from that context of love and trust, she will know the reason for the crying very quickly and without a manual of instructions. I don’t want to add to the mental the clutter of yet another instruction of the “right” way to do things as I will just create another dependency on external voices.


Our society has strayed away from nature, intuition and trust because of too much reliance on external guidance. When the child watches us following external direction, he will grow up to do the same. That’s how we created a society of followers, consumers, peer addicted people. When I help mothers to go inside for answers, the babies and children end up learning the same thing. Instead of growing up dependent on proofs and on others’ opinions, they grow up to be rooted in themselves. Instead of relating through seeking approval, they become able to freely create authentic and deep human connections.


T: Thank you, Naomi, for sharing your maternal wisdom with us, and for supporting us in getting in touch with ours.


Tamara Parnay is a freelance writer and mother to two of our Earth family’s children, daughter Nairie (b. 2002), and son Ahri (b. 2004). She enjoys reading, creative writing, gardening, painting, bicycling, and playing with her children and husband. Originally from the US and New Zealand, her family is living in The Netherlands.


Interview took place in January, 2009


©Copyright Naomi Aldort


Naomi Aldort Ph.D.

Author, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

http://naomialdort.com/book.html

Parenting counseling and workshops

Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie

(360)376-3777

POB 1719 Eastsound, WA 98245, USA

naomi@aldort.com


Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to Freedom, Power and Joy.



								
 


		

		

	



	
		
			

			
				Hair Cut			
		

		
	

		
			January 12, 2009		 in 
		
			Life, Parental, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy, Unschlog		 with 
		
			8 Comments		
	

	

		
			
							
		
		

			
“Mommmma, do you still want to cut some of my hairs?”


“I’d like to give you a trim, but I know you are attached to your hair.”


“What will happen to my hair? Will it be gone forever or can we keep it?”


“Yes. We can keep your hair in a baggie for you to look at and touch…is that what has been bothering you about me wanting to trim your hair?”


“Yep. So, it won’t be gone forever…then cut away; you can cut it all off if you want to!”


“I think we’ll start off small and see where we end up.”


Before shot




The aftermath: I was strictly instructed to leave the two dreadlocks in front alone and could not cut them under any circumstance!








While I’d been asking to trim the back of his hair for some time, he was adamant that it was NOT going to happen. I had no plans to cut his hair against his will or to make the issue about me controlling him. It just took him a long time to come to the hair cutting on his own; first he had to share his fear and know that everything would be alright. I find how funny it was that once his fears were heard and his needs were met, a) cutting the hair was a non-issue b) he enjoyed the process and c) I was given carte-blanch freedom to do as I pleased with his hair!


How many parents have struggled with their children and their children’s hair to only end up in huge battles, tantrums and never ending crying? It’s hair for crying out loud and it’s hair that belongs to the person it is growing out of! It’s possible that I might not have been given the chance to cut his hair any time soon or ever and that would have been perfectly fine with me. However, I presume some parents value their idea of what is acceptable to themselves for hair styles over how their children feel about their hair and ensuring that they feel empowered by their choice to cut or not to cut (or brush or wash on a certain schedule or etc.).Hair is NOT an area where I want to waste energy or throw around arbitrary authority (not that I ever want to throw around arbitrary authority).



								
 


		

		

	



	
		
			

			
				One Year and a New Year			
		

		
	

		
			January 3, 2009		 in 
		
			Life, Religiosophy		 with 
		
			0 Comments		
	

	

		
			
							
		
		

			
Tomorrow will be the first year anniversary of this new blog and I passed the 100 post mark several posts back…I guess that is an important milestone for some, but I just realized it had occurred for me. My first post can be found here — warning, it is totally boring!


I have decided to not wax on about what happened over the last year and I also won’t predict what might happen over the coming year. I will share that this past year has been a year of growing and learning for myself. The most important thing is that I have relearned what Joy means to me, how to recognize it and to prioritize it. So, like so many other bloggers out there, I will be focusing on Joy this year. Making my decisions based on how much Joy they will bring into my life and the lives of my family and friends. Now that I have learned to do things that I do not like with Joy, I feel pretty much invincible, but I am still realistic about the possibility that Joy might slip away from time to time…the important thing is that I have learned how to know when it has happened and what to do to make it come back.


I hope everyone out there has a year full of Joy.



								
 


		

		

	



	
		
			

			
				“I need time away from my child…”			
		

		
	

		
			December 29, 2008		 in 
		
			Parental, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy		 with 
		
			14 Comments		
	

	

		
			
							
		
		

			
Well, I don’t, but that’s what you hear so many parents (especially mums) saying these days.


“I need *me* time.”

“When will I ever get time to myself?”

“I don’t know how you can be around your child all day; I’d kill myself.”

“I give you credit, because I sure couldn’t do it.”

“I have my own life outside of Motherhood/Parenthood.”

“I can’t imagine being around them all day.”

“I was so thankful once they could start school/daycare/preschool and I could have some time to myself.”

“Don’t you want time for yourself?”

“The time I do spend with them is enough chaos for me already.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but…”


And so on and so on…things we’ve all heard and probably some things many of us have said at one time or another. The crazy thing is that in almost any circle of parents that you say one of these lines in, you’ll be affirmed with nods of agreement or smiles of understand or the occasional outburst of “oh, I know” or “I hear ya”. Is it wrong for parents to enjoy their children and enjoy being around them, sharing life together? Did I miss the memo about it being ‘uncool’ to be a mum?


Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy taking showers by myself and going to the bathroom by myself, as well as a whole host of other little things throughout the day in my life that I do or would rather do by myself. I have hobbies that are not connected to or centered around the fact that I am a mother with a 5 year old and I magically find time to do them both with and without company. Furthermore, I actually like being around my son all day…not that we’re together all day, because Elijah rarely (actually, I can’t remember the last time) sleeps with us and he spends at least a couple hours alone in his room on most days, as well as other bits here & there in the day where he’s not involved with what I am doing.


I enjoy my son’s company. He’s a really neat person and has interesting and often profound ideas about things. I love to see and hear about what he’s been creating and doing all day. Lately, I’ve been extremely fulfilled by sitting for more than an hour or two building with Legos with him…can you imagine how great it is to forget about everything around you for a couple hours (until your stomach starts gnawing on your backbone from ignored hunger) by just clicking together little plastic bricks?! We have fun together every day with very little pressure if any at all about what time it is or when we have to start or be done with certain activities. It is a life full, free and spontaneous. Oh and it is ‘Real Life’, maybe not the ‘Real Life’ that you’ve chosen, but the ‘Real Life’ that we’ve chosen.


While it might seem hard to contrast the life of a stay-at-home-unschooling-mum to that of a say, part-time-working-with-kids-in-school-mum, I have some ideas as to why the latter mum says one or all of the above statements about needing time away from her children. First, let’s consider the most obvious: child is away from parents all day at school/daycare and parents are away at work or at home doing whatever they do without child all day. Then, once school ends there is a (almost seemingly) never ending routine of hurry, rush, cry, beg, bribe, sports/music practice, fast food, homework, bath fight, tv fight, pyjama fight, bed fight and then collapse. I am going to do my best to address each of the things that I mentioned, as well as some of the deeper issues behind some of them.


Bed Fight: You can not force someone to sleep…let me rephrase this: You can not force someone to sleep without wearing them completely down mentally, physically or by drugging them and even that is not a guarantee. A baby/toddler crying in the next room incessantly, finally gives up on you and after complete exhaustion from physical & emotional exertion falls asleep…they start to give up on you quicker and quicker and resort to sleep as an escape from reality — I’ve studied enough psychology (both on and off the record) to know how sleep works as an escape for so many, including young children. When children (starting from birth) can regulate their own sleep cycles, they find a groove that suits them and it becomes much easier for them to adapt that cycle for things such as appointments and even school later on — especially if those appointments and school are their choice.


Pyjama Fight: Do I really have to stress how unimportant it is to wear certain clothing (or any for that matter) to go to sleep? Sure, if you know that your child sleeps better not wearing her jeans, then reminding her of this and helping her find something softer and less binding/bunching might be nice, but it’s not worth fighting over…ever.


TV Fight: There are so many ways this one can go, but if the fight is simply because the TV watching is holding up the next hurried section of the daily routine, then maybe the routine should be changed or reevaluated and not the TV time. If you are against TV, then don’t own one — it’s hypocritical for you to limit a child’s TV time and not follow the same limits yourself…you aren’t setting a good example. But, “all he does is watch TV all day [really, all day?]“…I am sure that he does watch TV every moment that you allow him to, because it’s being rationed out and limited. If you removed TV limits, he’d gorge on it until he realized that he really could watch it whenever he wanted to and he’ll then move on to other things…especially if there are other interesting things in his life (of his choosing) to move on to. Either get over the TV/computer or don’t have one…you freely chose to buy them and bring them into your home, right?


Bath Fight: Attention, this is a blog written by a ‘dirty hippie’, so keep that in mind. Unless a child is literally covered in mud and her school wouldn’t allow her to attend in such a state, then either finding a non-coercive way to bathe her (unless you are ‘okay’ bathing someone against their will when it isn’t a life or death issue) or calling her in absent are your options. You control your body and when it is bathed; you either like to bath once or twice a day or go for several days without doing so — guess what, children are the same way, except that they don’t buy into social standards of beauty & such and you will find that most (unless they are absolutely filthy) will not bath daily or even weekly. Unless a child has a natural love of water, bathing is usually something that they will NOT choose to do regularly until some time around puberty. Being squeaky clean daily in body and environment (your house) is something that most of us are conditioned to be/do, not something that we freely choose to be/do.


Homework: Well, it goes without saying that if your children are not in school or not subjected to school-at-home(schooling), then there will be no homework! Imagine a life free from doing the same worksheets, chapter reviews & ‘creative’ projects that even as a child you hated and didn’t understand (didn’t understand both how or why). There is far too much homework and it is placing much unneeded extra stress on families who are already finding it hard enough to connect and be civil to one another, without schools dictating what goes on at home after the last bell rings. School is pernicious and finds it’s way into & controls every fiber of your life as a family…it’s like AOL (America Online), you can never really erase it from your computer entirely!


Fast Food: It doesn’t take a genius to realize that eating ‘food’ from the ‘Golden Arches’ every day is not a healthy way to live, but at least these children are being fed something and I credit at least that much, because sadly some parents (even without economic hardships) aren’t even doing that much. I also realize that many people out there who are parents don’t know how to cook or rather loath cooking, but I know that almost everyone likes to eat. As parents, we have an obligation to provide the best food that we can for our children and I challenge anyone who is raising their children on ‘food’ from the ‘Golden Arches’ to ask themselves if that is the best that they can do or if that is the best that they want to do. Real food that is cooked at home costs less and much of it can be made ahead of time to end up being as fast if not faster than ‘fast food’ and cooking & eating it won’t kill you. Once again, you choose to have children, so you choose to provide them with food and they are kind of at your mercy on that one.


Sports/Music (et al) Practice: In general, we all are over scheduled and trying to cram yet another extracurricular obligation into our lives to add to our list of ‘look what we are doing’. Children don’t need scheduled stuff. They can have an interest in something and freely choose to take classes/practices/lectures/camps centered around their interests, but they don’t need their parents trying to impress grandma, neighbors, colleagues and possible future colleges with a laundry list of forced sports, dancing, instruments, clubs, scouts and community service time. Yes, we all want our children to be successful, but our definition of success and their definition might be worlds apart.


Parents & Children Separated Most of the Day: Unless a child is lucky enough to be with his parents constantly for his first 4 to 6 years before being sent off to daycare/school (and even if he was lucky), he longs for his parents, for love and for a home that is free from the oppression, rules and limits of school. Of course a younger child might be almost intolerably clingy in the evenings and on weekends. Parents are simultaneously full of relief that they are free of their children and guilty that their children are away…not realizing that it’s this constant separation that makes being with one another total hell. We miss out on so much when we aren’t with our children and this can play havoc on our conscience, not mention that we just don’t ‘know’ our children well enough to try and help them meet their needs when we miss out on the parts of their day that they are away plus when they are asleep. We are equipped poorly to deal with stressed out strangers. And let’s face it, it’s just not fun to be around people who are stressed out and boy are schooled children stressed out to the max! They leave school only to return to a traditional parenting home full of more oppression, limits, rules, punishment and so on.


Hurry, Rush, Cry, Beg, Bribe: Whether most people are willing to admit it or not, they equate a ‘good child’ with one who is not loud, always clean, uses social niceties, does exactly what you ask & when you ask and never behaves in a manner that you or society find ‘unacceptable’. This causes otherwise seemingly intelligent people to engage in odd & futile parental rituals of rewards, punishments & conditional love with their children — all in an attempt to produce to the world a ‘good child’ or rather a quiet, clean and blindly obedient shell of a child. If this is really how you think children should be, then please do your possible future children a favor…don’t have them, instead have a beta fish on your desk or some ivy in the bathroom. It is completely unnatural to view children like this and completely unreasonable to expect them to adhere to this misty-eyed made up picture of what a child should be.


Children are naturally messy, loud and oblivious of their impact on their environment* (furniture, wall & etc.) and naturally self absorbed to a degree.


 *an adult can stare off into space and unconsciously pick at the edge of a Formica counter top and when they wake up from their daydream, they tisk-tisk at themselves for picking at the counter and then find some glue or tape. When a (traditionally parented) child does it, they try to lie about it or hid it, because they will be punished for having no respect for their home and their parents’ hard work/time/money and when they are asked why they did it, they won’t have an answer, because they don’t know why they did it…they were oblivious to the fact that they were doing it.


Children are also oblivious of their impact (or not concerned with it) on other people when they are constantly punished for doing something ‘unkind’ or ‘unacceptable’ — the focus is on them and not the other person they effected. Their behavior then manifests into ‘how can I not get caught or punished?’ instead of ‘how will this effect others?’. I know first hand, as I was raised in a home that used all kinds of rules, limits, forced bedtimes, spanking, grounding and the like. My father always asked me, “do you just not think about anyone but yourself?” and it wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized that yes, I didn’t think about anyone but myself, because that’s who I was taught to focus on by finding ways around punishment and how it effected me. I was solely focused on what I wanted and not what others wanted or needed. I wasn’t taught empathy or respect for others, I was taught to be self centered, to seek out praise and to avoid punishment and I am still painfully unlearning it. Children have no reason to lie & sneak unless we lie to them or they are trying to deflect the effect of pain from punishment. Because many mainstream parents are self centered (often through no real fault of their own), they focus on how their children’s lives effect themselves and not how they are effecting their children’s lives…they expect their children adapt to them and do what they want, without them ever having to work with their children to find consensual ways to live together and because of this, they make both their children and themselves miserable and continue the cycle of self-centered humanity.


It is no wonder most mainstream parents find themselves chanting “I need time away from my child…”. I wouldn’t much want to be around a child or adult who is obliviously self centered; constantly stressed from the oppression of being forced into school or work they didn’t freely choose; stressed, oppressed and depressed from being controlled by others with rules, limits and punishments; having their natural curiosity and inclinations thwarted at every turn and being repeatedly told how dirty, loud, rude, messy and bad they are.


I find more and more that being a mindful/authentic/peaceful/radical unschooling parent is the best ‘couch therapy’ around. The commitment forces the parent to look deeply into themselves, to remember and assess their own childhood, to question their personal & social obligations & standards, to learn to fully take on the perspective of another human being and see that person’s life through his eyes, to embrace the empowerment of deschooling his own life and mind of what he’s been force fed and to trust that his children will learn what they need and when they need it. By committing oneself to this way of thinking and living, one finds that her world is huge, rich and crammed with options that she can freely choose, whereas before or instead she would be oppressed and limited by self imposed power struggles, undue stress, judgments and forever trying to live up to a perfection perspective that is both unnatural and unreasonable.


If more than anything, most parents need more time with their children (the children definately need the time with their parents) and time that is free of rules, judgments and punishments. Go take some time or make it by canceling that soccer practice that your daughter hates anyways or do something even more radical and let whether or not to go away to school be your children’s free choice and then figure out what you can do to make it work for your family’s situation. When there is nothing but freedom and unconditional love, there is always a way.



								
 


		

		

	


	 
					

	

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