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our stories – part 3 – who the fuck am i & where the hell am i going?

February 7, 2011 in Life, Religiosophy with 11 Comments

I’m in a funk.

I found myself depressed last week because of things that happened the week before; I had chosen to ignore my feelings at the time in an effort to have a positive and happy birthday week — for the most part, that worked, but it all caught up with me towards the end of this past week.

I thought about cutting (haven’t done that since I was like 12). I thought about running away (that’s never solved my problems, only made them worse). I’ve moved passed these things. Don’t worry, friends.

Now… here I am in a funk.

There are things I want to say, but it’s too late or not really important now. There are things I want to do, but I can’t. There are places I want to be, but I can’t go there now.

I tend to be a fairly guarded person (trying not to be here) and have a hard time letting others in, but in this moment, I’m having a hard time letting myself out. What does that mean exactly, I’m not sure. My eyes are welling up with tears right now as I type, but I have no idea why.

I’ve tried to talk some about what I am feeling and about some of the thoughts running through my head, but every time I open my mouth, nothing comes out right; I end up saying things wrong or saying the wrong things. I’m having a terrible time articulating what’s on my mind and it’s so frustrating.

Everything ends up sounding like I’m terribly unhappy and I am unhappy about somethings, but for the most part, I am very happy and extremely grateful for what I have and for who is in my life.

I need to say a lot of things to several people, but somethings, I don’t have words for and somethings, probably would be better off not said and like I said earlier, somethings would be too late and pointless to say.

Arrrgh, I’ve never really been in an emotional rut/funk like this before. I’ve had writer’s block, but never emotional-block or rather, articulation-of-emotions-block.

I’m really at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I need to spend some time away from everyone and everything and just sleep and write – write everything and anything that comes to my head. I need to figure shit out. I need to clear my head.

And that’s weird, because I spend a lot of time alone… well, a lot of time isolated from adults.

I need to figure out what I am doing anymore. I need to figure out where I am going these days. I think I’ve kind of lost myself and she was really fucking awesome – I’d like to have her back. Any time now. Thanks.

Jesus, I sound like a whinny 45 year old having a mid-life crisis (no offense to any whinny 45 year olds out there having a mid-life crisis) and I’m only 29.

I went through a such a terrible spell. A terrible spell of being such a terrible person in the past few months and not knowing how to not be terrible – feeling so literally out of control of everything that I just made life so miserable for so many people, people that I love. I was faced with an obstacle and I didn’t know how to deal with it, get around it or jump over it. So, I just tried to avoid it or run head first into it – needless to say, neither of those approaches worked.

I’m still not there. But, I think I see light at the end of this tunnel.

I don’t really know where to go from here, but I guess I’ll figure that out.

Everything always seems to work out in the end.

I have hope – I *have to* have hope, right?!

****************

For those of you who like comics. I LOVE the 3rd link – I relate to Nemi, but I am so much Erika in Dar!

Alison Bechdel

Dar!

Nemi

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Last but not least another good old xkcd.

 

birthday week 2011 – day 7 (wind down & linky love)

February 5, 2011 in Family & Friends, Life, Politics, Radical Unschooling with 2 Comments

Today is the last day of my birthday week. I’m winding down.

Going to clean up Legos off the floor so that the almost one year old that I kidsit for tomorrow doesn’t try to eat them.

I see that doing dishes are in my near future.

It’s another beautiful Winter day; currently it’s 38 degrees F and bright and sunny. Almost feels like early Spring.

Unschooling parents are lazy…

And so what if we are?

Speaking of ‘Unschooling’, if you are looking for nuggets to strew or you are just looking for a new blog with cool things, try over here.

Desecration (remember, there’s roll-over text people)

Also, Thaddeus Russell’s book, A Renegade History of the United States, came up in a Facebook conversation. Open your mind, drop your white progressive liberal pc politics for a minute and read it.

And then, if you still want something else to read, but are looking for something not so serious, try:  A Dictionary of Modern Slang, Cant, and Vulgar Words: Used At the Present Day in the Streets of London (1860), by John Camden Hotten

And, last but definitely not least, go check out my Dear Other Half‘s Flickr sets.

 

our stories – part 2 – loss

January 29, 2011 in Family & Friends, Health, Life, Procreation, Religiosophy with 7 Comments

I think everyone that I know has experienced some kind of loss. I don’t think it’s possible to be human and to not lose something important or someone special to you at some point in your life – probably multiple times. There’s been a lot of literal and figurative loss in and around my life in the last few months.

But I’m still breathing. I’m still holding on. I’m still finding Hope stuffed away in corners of my heart.

Losing something because of another person is painful, but not as painful as losing something because of giving up. Not to say that there are definitely times to fight and times to forget about fighting. We do need a clear idea of what our priorities are, what is most important to us – otherwise we can’t make sound decisions.

Losing something because the Universe decides it, can seem most cruel. But, everything happens for a reason and in due time, everything works out. I believe this. I have to believe this.

I’ve lost two things recently.

Yesterday. I lost a person whom I really liked – not via death, but a kind of distance. This person had been a huge part of my world for the last three months. This person caused me to look at and evaluate a lot in my life – I’m thankful for that. This person made me feel good and made me smile. This person also caused a lot of upheaval in my life – that’s been painful (but pain is only weakness leaving the body). I wasn’t great at communicating with this person – I’ve not been great at communicating with myself or my husband lately either. I’ve learned a lot and squirreled away that knowledge for future reference. I didn’t figure out what I wanted/needed until it was too late. We all make mistakes or learning-takes and we all grow from them.

Last night. I lost a pregnancy. A pregnancy that had begun only four weeks ago at conception. My husband and I have wanted another child for years and we’ve had problems conceiving for one reason or another. I’ve had late cycles before, but nothing as significant as this in recent history. I didn’t want to get attached to this nor get too excited in an effort to diminish possible disappointment. I failed at the last moment. I’ll be okay. My body will be okay – bodies are pretty awesome at taking care of themselves. I’ve been stressed a lot lately. I’ve not been breathing like I should.

Yesterday was a double dose of loss for me, but I’m still here. Tomorrow will be another day. Today is always the greatest day of my life.

But, I can’t dwell on what I’ve lost when I have so much around me to be thankful for and grateful for. I am so loved and loved by so many – I have running water & electricity for crying-out-loud!

Tonight, I’m doing lots of breathing. Tomorrow, I want to start living again.

That’s my story of recent loss. Feel free to share one of your own.

 

our stories – part 1 – who are we (if we stay closeted)?

January 24, 2011 in Family & Friends, Life, Religiosophy with 13 Comments

“We spend so much time stifling ourselves. So many years spent trying to be who we aren’t, who we don’t even want to be. Gay, writer, witch – even things we think are no big deal, we often hide from the world. We hide from ourselves. We trivialize pieces of our identity, trying to be normal or small or unremarkable, because we’ve learned that that’s the way to be.” Being a writer is like being a lesbian

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” ~ Brene Brown

Owning up to and coming out about ourselves is simple, but hardly ever easy. These past few months have been a time of major reflection for me. A time to really taste, mull and chew on truths within and without me. To try and feel like me. Someone whom I’ve never truly felt like. Someone whom I’ve never actually been allowed to feel like. Life is too short to keep running from yourself.

Each of us has a story. Actually, most of us have many stories – some of them true and some of them just that, stories. Owning those stories can be really painful for ourselves and those around us, but it’s the honest thing to do.

So, for those of you who don’t know:

I’m a lesbian.
A married lesbian.
A happily-married-to-a-straight-male-lesbian.
We have-an-awesome-son-and-hopefully-equally-awesome-future-children-together lesbian.
My family-doesn’t-know-unless-they’re-reading-this-blog-post-now-(hi there!) lesbian.

That’s one of my stories. What’s one of yours?

Dido – Honestly OK

Side Note: Yes, I do realize that this makes two posts in one day! That’s fucking amazing! I was going to cheat and not publish this one until tomorrow, but that wouldn’t be very fun.

 

Senses

January 23, 2011 in Life, Religiosophy with 2 Comments

Smell: Cold, sunny Winter’s day, Dr. Bronner’s and a well loved sweater-coat

Touch: Smooth new keyboard & cold hardwood floors

Taste: Burt’s Bees lip balm, orange juice and crackers

See: Dancing sunlight, tired eyes and a smiling boy

Hear: Ambiguous Netflix, my heart aching and a grumbling tummy

Say: “I love you”, “What’s that about?” and “Is this really not over?”

Eat: Vegan mac n cheeze, crackers and hot tea

Notice: Discrepancies in dates – a certain lateness

Emote: Anguish, Fear and Love

Love: Sunlight on my hair, warm mugs of tea, a feeling of ‘fullness’ and the noise of a happy child

Dislike: Feeling helpless/trapped, animals dying in mass numbers and my gallbladder being bitchy again

In other news: Co-op on Northside? Yes, please.

 

Guest Post Over At Idzie’s Place

August 3, 2010 in Education, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy with 0 Comments

…GO check it out! http://yes-i-can-write.blogspot.com/2010/08/guest-post-answering-negative-questions.html

 
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