I’m in a funk.
I found myself depressed last week because of things that happened the week before; I had chosen to ignore my feelings at the time in an effort to have a positive and happy birthday week — for the most part, that worked, but it all caught up with me towards the end of this past week.
I thought about cutting (haven’t done that since I was like 12). I thought about running away (that’s never solved my problems, only made them worse). I’ve moved passed these things. Don’t worry, friends.
Now… here I am in a funk.
There are things I want to say, but it’s too late or not really important now. There are things I want to do, but I can’t. There are places I want to be, but I can’t go there now.
I tend to be a fairly guarded person (trying not to be here) and have a hard time letting others in, but in this moment, I’m having a hard time letting myself out. What does that mean exactly, I’m not sure. My eyes are welling up with tears right now as I type, but I have no idea why.
I’ve tried to talk some about what I am feeling and about some of the thoughts running through my head, but every time I open my mouth, nothing comes out right; I end up saying things wrong or saying the wrong things. I’m having a terrible time articulating what’s on my mind and it’s so frustrating.
Everything ends up sounding like I’m terribly unhappy and I am unhappy about somethings, but for the most part, I am very happy and extremely grateful for what I have and for who is in my life.
I need to say a lot of things to several people, but somethings, I don’t have words for and somethings, probably would be better off not said and like I said earlier, somethings would be too late and pointless to say.
Arrrgh, I’ve never really been in an emotional rut/funk like this before. I’ve had writer’s block, but never emotional-block or rather, articulation-of-emotions-block.
I’m really at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I need to spend some time away from everyone and everything and just sleep and write – write everything and anything that comes to my head. I need to figure shit out. I need to clear my head.
And that’s weird, because I spend a lot of time alone… well, a lot of time isolated from adults.
I need to figure out what I am doing anymore. I need to figure out where I am going these days. I think I’ve kind of lost myself and she was really fucking awesome – I’d like to have her back. Any time now. Thanks.
Jesus, I sound like a whinny 45 year old having a mid-life crisis (no offense to any whinny 45 year olds out there having a mid-life crisis) and I’m only 29.
I went through a such a terrible spell. A terrible spell of being such a terrible person in the past few months and not knowing how to not be terrible – feeling so literally out of control of everything that I just made life so miserable for so many people, people that I love. I was faced with an obstacle and I didn’t know how to deal with it, get around it or jump over it. So, I just tried to avoid it or run head first into it – needless to say, neither of those approaches worked.
I’m still not there. But, I think I see light at the end of this tunnel.
I don’t really know where to go from here, but I guess I’ll figure that out.
Everything always seems to work out in the end.
I have hope – I *have to* have hope, right?!
****************
For those of you who like comics. I LOVE the 3rd link – I relate to Nemi, but I am so much Erika in Dar!
Alison Bechdel
Dar!
Nemi
****************
Last but not least another good old xkcd.
