This past week has been all about needs and wants for me. I’ve had a lot of time to myself (for the most part – I do live practically 24/7 with a 7y/o) to reflect over all the craziness that my life has been the last few months.
I’ve chosen to live for a long time with unmet needs and wants. However, my choices have been made from a place or feeling of obligation to make those choices. Constantly telling myself I can do without or ignore certain things, because that’s how it has to be. I am a crazy person in general, but I had not realized just how crazy living like this has made me until recently. Literally bat-shit crazy.
It’s true that we make sacrifices in our lives and compromises. This is especially true if we are committed to a significant other or living with children. When we sacrifice too much of ourselves, we can burry ourselves and become disconnected with ourselves – basically living half alive. What’s worse is making sacrifices unnecessarily or giving up things without even being asked to give them up – or thinking you should, when in reality that’s the last thing you need/needed to do (talking to you, Dear Other Half).
I’m coming to realize that my years and years of battling depression has stemmed from constantly compromising my needs and wants away and worse yet, not voicing many of them to begin with. I’ve got nobody to blame but myself for not speaking up. I get that. And that part, makes me even crazier.
Going along with something to not ‘rock the boat’ (maybe in an effort to cling to what we have) without saying how we really feel is just soul-suicide. Soul-sucking-suicide.
I live with a lot of guilt on a daily basis. Guilt that is not necessary, that shouldn’t be there and it’s been eating me up from the inside out. Some of my guilt stems from feeling obligated to not voice my needs/wants because of the sacrifices others have made for me. At times, I just say to myself, “quit your bitching/whining, already”. Let me tell you just oh how so unbelievably helpful this tactic is – not.
I’ve got to get over the guilt. I’m tired of feeling guilty, especially when I am feeling up and good and everyone around me is feeling low and down.
But first, I have to be radically honest about my needs/wants/desires.
And, the important people in my life need to equally be radically honest about their needs.
I feel kind of clinical and impersonal making a literal check list of needs/wants, but I can’t visualize a better or more ‘organic’ way to use my voice. I feel like a list would help me to prioritize and help me not overlook hidden needs or needs parading around as one thing when they are in fact something else altogether.
And after rereading what I’ve typed so far, it sounds as though I have tons of unmet needs – not the case at all. It’s just that the ones I have are kind of big ones, important big ones. And ignoring them has stirred up all kinds of shit in me, in my relationships and in my life in general.
I’m tired of that.
I’m tired of fear – tired of being afraid to ask for what I need.
I’m tired of feeling guilty for having needs – tired of feeling obligated to ignore them.
I’m going to start making my list tonight. It might take me some time to complete (maybe a couple days, a week or a month), but when I get done, I know I’m going to feel a hell of a lot better – and feeling better is what I *need* most.