Natural Attachment

Should your child (or mine) *have to* share? No.

Do you or I *have to* share? No.

I’ve been thinking this idea over for some time now and I’ve felt pulled both ways for various reasons. I’ve spent the last few months trying to keep my mouth shut when Elijah and I are with other people and their children. When E and a friend start to argue over the use or ownership of a toy. I was more interested in what the other adults had to say and thought to do, rather than what the children might end up doing.

Believe me it is hard to keep your mouth shut, especially when you get the feeling that the other parent is drilling holes into your head with his/her eyes, because you are not ‘making’ your child share. Somehow, I have made it through this with all my wits still together.

Because I respect my son’s feelings, personal autonomy and of course his personal belongings, I don’t ‘make’ him share. If something is his (meaning it belongs to him, was purchased by or for him, etc.) then he has the right to share or not share it and to do so with or without a reason — that reason need not be ‘acceptable’ to anyone but himself either.

I know that I have said no to my friends on plenty of occasions when they’ve asked to borrow something. I’ve always been respected and no one has even tried to make me feel awkward or shameful for not lending or giving something out. Does my son or your children not deserve this same social arrangement, respect of personal property and autonomy?

In my search online to find other parents’ ideas about sharing and whether or not it really is caring, I found a wonderful article by Ela Forest (majikfaerie) and in it Ela speaks about how she handles sharing with her daughter Sequoia Littletree. The article sums up exactly how I feel about the subject. Enjoy.

This afternoon we ran around Bellvue, PA and headed over to the coffeeshop, but it was closed until later in the day — oops! mum forgot about!

That’s right, a cruise to Bermuda for Unschoolers and their friends and family!

What are you going to do…

…with your tax return next year? William, Elijah and I know what we are going to do with ours. We are going to spend 5 nights on a cruise ship leaving port from the New York Harbor and heading out to Bermuda. We’ll be on this cruise ship surrounded by families, which many have become good friends with us through the internet and in real life. What do all these families have in common with us? They are all Unschooling families; they are all raising free and unschooled children.

What better way to spend time than with us on a family cruise and be able to fully immerse yourself into the daily interactions of families living in harmony with one another and following along with their children’s passions in life. The cruise will have all the usual trappings of  Royal Caribbean cruises, is only for Unschoolers and their friends and family and will have Unschooling conference lectures and discussion panels — all of the lectures/discussions are optional.

We would love it if you could come on this cruise with us. We think it would be a fantastic family vacation and a way for you to learn heaps about how we live our lives.

Here’s the website for the cruise with all pertinent information: http://www.unschoolingontheseas.com
You will need a current Passport for this adventure: http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/get_840.html

And if you’re interested in reading more about Unschooling:
http://www.naturalattachment.com/wordpress/category/education/radical-unschooling-education/ (my blog posts specifically about unschooling)
http://sandradodd.com/seeingit
http://www.borntoexplore.org/unschool/whatis.htm
http://www.borntoexplore.org/unschool/Uncurriculum.htm
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/unschooling/unschoolingphilosophy.html

I just finished listening to Sarah Parent’s podcast on unschooling sleep, which was great. I wanted to talk briefly about unschooling and sleep while it is fresh in my mind.

I think one of the most asked questions I get from mainstream parents is, ‘how do you get your son to sleep that long?’ or ‘…to sleep until XXX?’ My quick answer is always, ‘I don’t force him to bed at 7pm (or any arbitrary time).’ This seems like sound logic to me. The question askers either admit that it is crazy to be doing the insane things they do to try and force their kiddos to bed at 7, 8 and 9pm, just to turn around and bitch about having to wake up at 5am with them — Or they complain that they would never get anything done, or have free time/sex time or just fill in the blank with whatever-you-want-time!

Sometimes the people doing the asking have kids in daycare/school or are planning on having them enrolled in one of those in the near future and they can’t see how respected sleep cycles and structured institutions can mesh well. Well, they don’t mesh well. Yet another reason to add to your list of pros and cons when deciding whether or not to force your children into a setting they might not want to be in…especially when you have options (I didn’t say stress-free options) to not ‘have to’ force them into school/daycare. How important is subjecting a child to school, if they can’t even have freedom when it comes to their personal body and cycles? Maybe there are those out there who don’t see it as forcing, because they just see school as ‘unavoidable’, so their kids just have to get used to it.

Do you enjoy or would you enjoy someone else informing you when you are tired and when to go to bed? Are you currently in a situation where you ‘have to’ go to bed at a certain time, because you ‘have to’ get up at a certain time? Thankfully, children don’t ‘have to’ go to school.

Up until this last year & a half, I know that I was like most parents when it came to bed time. I rarely forced my son to bed, but it was clear that when I chose the time (which was not consistent) that was it. Now, unlike most parents, we are co-sleepers (only part-time since about 2 1/2 years ago) and I would have never let Elijah ‘cry-it-out’. I usually laid there with him until he fell asleep. It was still coercion, but better than most. Now, it’s been more of, ‘Now is the time for me to read to you, if you want me to read and for daddy & I to have some time alone. You can quietly play your Leapster or read/play in your room until you go to sleep. Here’s some water, a snack and some love.’

Does that mean I don’t still have nights where I am about to cry or scream, because E is so tired that he’s fighting it with every ounce of his body? No. But, I try to remember that it will pass and I try to help him get what he needs so that he can calm down inside. Trial and error some nights, but most are quite uneventful.

I know in the past on this blog someone mentioned in the comments that their child wasn’t able to regulate their own sleep cycles, because when the commenter ‘let’ her do it, she stayed up for many days in a row with no sleep and didn’t eat well and etc. Apparently, she ended up getting really sick. Now, I don’t know all the factors involved with this particular situation, but it sounds like what I have heard described by several parents as to what happened to them during the de-schooling or unschooling of sleep period with their children. Their children went from having bedtime be this truly painful event to completely rebelling against it, pushing past physically acceptable boundaries and then they did eventually come back down to their own autonomous sleep cycles. They were only able to find their own cycles, because their parents guided & supported them through this de-schooling period. Ridding one’s life of forced and coerced traditions, cycles and experiences is often painful, debilitating and scary as hell.

I have some more links to share with you about sleep, children and unschooling:
Sandra Dodd on Sleeping
Sandra Dodd on Bedtimes
What do you mean no bedtimes?

What are your thoughts on sleep? Do you have problems with sleep now as an adult, because of how sleep with forced on you as a child? Are you struggling through the rebellious de-schooling part of unschooling sleep?

I’ve mentioned unschooling and food on here before, but I came across a podcast about just this and I wanted to pass it on. I know the concept of unschooling food and not limiting food with children, might be a new idea to many coming to unschooling. Obviously, unschooling food is part of radical unschooling, whole life unschooling or life learning (whatever you might want to call it) and not just a part of [academic] unschooling.

If it’s not already apparent, let me explain to you that we are radical unschoolers and are not only following our son’s lead when it comes to filling up his educational cup, but we are following his lead in his life and respecting his voice and guiding and encouraging him to listen to his own body and to find his own passions.

Over at her blog, Sarah has put out a few podcasts about unschooling and I want to link to the one on unschooling food here.

That’s how I feel most days when I have to interact with other parents. Not child-free people — they tend to be more rational, because they don’t feel the overwhelming oppression to be super parents in the eye of society or the mainstream. It’s really hard to talk about what you do and don’t do without sounding like you are putting down another parent’s choices.

It’s almost impossible to impart an idea or solution when it comes to parenting, because the person receiving the idea or solution will inevitably either ask ‘why, would you do XXX’ or they immediately recoil with, ‘well, we XXX and there are just some things that we don’t or can’t XXX’. Then don’t ask me for my ideas.

It is impossible for someone to ask me about why I unschool with my son, because to do so, is to point out directly and indirectly, negatives about schooling. No one wants to be told that the problems they are having with their children are most likely directly connected to school and or the parents’ expectations of education for their child.

I can’t really talk about authentic/peaceful/respectful parenting without horribly offending another parent. We live in such a rule-bound society that to even mention the idea that you have very few or no rules, is like admitting to getting drunk and high and driving through school crossings at 90 mph! The idea of not using rewards, punishments and bribes also seems to make parents’ faces crinkle up and then ask, ‘well, what if he hits his little brother? Do I just not do anything?’…yes, of course that’s what I mean! It’s like we’ve been so convinced that nothing but shaming and punishment can express morality or ethics. I love those parents who spank/swat/slap/hit to punish a child for hitting…wow, the logic just escapes me.

And respecting a child’s intelligence and autonomy is another hot issue. You mean, you let him choose…no, I don’t ‘let’ him choose anymore than I ‘let’ my friend or husband choose. But it can not always be about your child…nor can it always be about you, the parent. It appears that most people can not and will not ever get over the whole, but I am his/her parent and they are the child — I own them and the right to direct their lives mentality. The excuse is always that they are children and do not have the mental maturity to handle certain situations and so on. Yes, but that doesn’t mean that because you are bigger and ‘more intelligent/mature’ that you have all the rights and power.Children are shorter, smaller, less mature and less experienced. It’s my job to help guide my child beyond his current state…like showing an intern around the office and explaining how the copier works…really, I am serious with that analogy.

I am guiding and providing for an inexperienced adult, who is a separate human being with his own personality, wants, needs, thoughts and pace in life. It would be illogical, rude and pretentious of me to think I have the right to make and enforce decisions on his behalf. We are in this together. What I need/want and what he needs/wants are not always the same and are not always compatible, but there is almost always a way to see that everyone is taken care of, even if it means everyone has to give a little — not that my son must give it all up, because I’m ‘in charge’. That doesn’t mean that there are not times where my ‘have to’ is paramount…sometimes there are things which have to be done and no amount of schedule arranging can occur to make it so that my son can opt out. But, I carefully examine my ‘have to’ things and see where I can change them or make them enjoyable for everyone. (a common ‘have to’ mentioned by parents is, “we have to go to the store/doctor/hair salon”). The important thing here is to limit your ‘have to’ events that would require your child’s compliance/inclusion…if limited to only those truly necessary, it limits the powerlessness that a child feels in these situations and they tend to ‘act better’ and not ’cause problems’ or ‘act out’ during these events.

I believe (or rather really want to believe) in the meme that every parent and family has to find what works for them. Unfortunately, it often appears that what ‘works for the family’, is really ‘what works for the parents’. I guess it’s really hard for the mainstream to listen to their instincts, listen to and watch their children for cues and not turn to and rely upon ‘experts’ or parenting memes. I am sure everyone has heard some form or another of, ‘I really felt like what I/we were doing was right, but XXX says that I/we were wrong…it pains me and I am torn.’ Here’s a tip, if it pains you and you are torn, then changing what you had been doing might not have been the best thing for your family.

I have a hard time of explaining myself without offending or without making the other person feel guilty. But, I have always thought of being offended and feeling guilty as defense mechanisms that should cause me to really figure out why I feel that way and to reflect on the subject at hand…and possibly change my thoughts and actions. Nobody wants to be wrong, especially when it comes to parenting, and it’s okay and totally expected that we will all screw up, but is it really that important to freak out every time someone calls you out on your ideas or actions?

So, now I will rant about a couple of these parenting issues that I see as screw ups and why…because I want to and I need to vent.

Candy/Food Bribing/Restrictions:
With all the issues surrounding food, why would anyone use food as a kind of behavioral currency? We don’t want our children to get fat, yet we bribe them with food (usually junk food) to do ‘good things’…because we wouldn’t want them to just ‘be good’ for ‘goodness sake’. Funny thing is, usually the bribing is done to coerce a child to do something that they do not want to do…would you treat your partner or best friend like that — oddly, many people do and it’s rather insulting. And the limiting of food…there is no better way to ensure that a child will ‘do nothing but eat cake’, than to forbid or restrict the eating of said cake — you can apply this to sex, drugs, TV and ‘fill-in-the-blank’ too. I mean, if you tell me I can only eat it after dinner or on Friday evenings, well I am going to gorge on it, because it will soon be out of my reach until the next ‘cake-eating-time-installment’. Elijah recently figured out that if he ate an entire dark chocolate bar, he felt ill for two days…he now limits his chocolate intake. It’s the parents’ job to set a good model by eating well and providing groceries for young children, which fosters healthy eating.

Helicopter Parents:
I don’t think I really should have to mention this, but I guess I do. Hovering over another person has to feel odd for the person hovering, as well as the person being hovered over. How on Earth are our children ever going to be competent adults when we are constantly micromanaging their every move and intervening at every sign of squabble or difficulty? If I ever have a daughter and she chooses to go to a prom or other ‘fancy dance’, I hope that she’s capable of picking out her own dress and only asks me to come along for support and a critical eye, not because she can’t make a decision without me coordinating everything. I also hope that as my son grows, he will be more and more able to ‘work things out’ among he and his friends, since I don’t always step in and do it for them. I hope when they fall down (and I really want them to from time to time), they think to stand up and not look for me to pick them up every time. It’s really okay for your children to not be in your line of sight always and forever…it’s really okay for you to relax and let them do stuff that might result in a skinned knee. More on Free Range (cage free!) Kids and Anti-Helicopter Parenting here.

I have more, but I don’t have the time. I’m just venting. I am thankful for the radical parents, unschooling parents and such that I know who ‘get it’ and don’t make me feel like the odd one. Maybe I only appreciate them, because they are like-minded and maybe that’s just okay…

I am so ‘scene one‘ that it hurts every time I try to get involved with ’scene two’. I get nervous and start doing things to my child and saying things to him that I would not do otherwise — it’s like a virus from which there is no real immunity other than avoidance. I desperately seek out others, but I always seem to find those on the fence or ‘pretending’ to be like-minded, but in reality they are really just ‘traditional parents’ who happened to breastfeed or co-sleep or whatever — not to down play those things, because I feel they are really important, but it’s hard to find other parents who are where I am (most of use are hiding!).

So, if there are other Radical Unschoolers out there who are wanting to come out from hiding and join up with myself and others, please drop me a line. Do it for the kids!

In recent blog activity, a fellow Anarchist and I had gone back and forth about the difference between rules and principles and about whether or not it’s possible to be a non-coercive parent and not over step your natural bounds. We are on opposite ends of the matter.

I wanted to use this space to share a couple links on the matter. I think it’s important to envision the idea of living by principles rather than rules…I think it’s then that one can see how arbitrary and useless rules and control are. Since my ideas stem first from being a parent with a deep respect for my own intuition, second from our radical unschooling and third because I am an Anarchist…not all of the links are solely about parenting in general, but are about radical unschooling, which is more of a lifestyle choice and really goes beyond parenting and education methods. Find something that you enjoy.

Rules vs. Principles by Danielle Conger  (her entire site is fantastic for unschoolers)

Living by Principles Instead of by Rules (another radical unschooling goldmine website)

Ben Lovejoy on Living by Principles instead of by Rules

Control and its related problems

Where is the edge of unschooling? (more about control, regulating & rules)

Holly’s expressions of surprise and disbelief

Logic and Parenting

Freedom/Choices/Empowerment/Respect

I realize there is a lot here, but I could offer a lot more. Reflection is key and I know that before the ‘ah ha’ moment happened for me, I was a much more stressed out and plain old bitchy Mother. I am still learning and more importantly starting to rewrite all of the negative parenting & interacting with people that I inherited from my environment growing up.

So I wanted to share an observation with you readers. I have really noticed a difference in the flow of playdates, groups and other events that involve many children…the differences between these events populated by a large majority of subculture (punks, Anarchist, etc.) parents versus those populated by more mainstream parents. The differences that I point out become even stronger the bigger the group of people involved.

Scene One: The Subculture Gathering…

• Lots of children all ages scattered to all four corners and intermingled with adults of all ages. Not every adult present is a parent, but has the capacity to act like one for a couple hours.
• You might not know where your child is, but you know where at least 12 other children are and at least 12 other adults around you know where your child is.
• Children have no issue grabbing the nearest adult to get help with food, drinks, games or going to the bathroom. They trust that person will help or will grab the closest person who can. It doesn’t have to be that child’s parent…it doesn’t matter.
• An often random sampling of adults, will unconsciously rotate in organizing group games for the kids, without being asked to…well, a kid might ask them to, but there isn’t a sign up sheet.
• You don’t hear much of, if any crying upon arriving or leaving.
• Squabbles between kids are handled by kids and whichever adult is closest…no one has to worry in these situations that the involved adult will make your child feel insignificant or physically harm them, even if they are the kid who did just hit so&so for no reason. Chances are, you won’t even know anything happened unless your kid is hurt and then like magic you are reunited with your child.
• Somehow everyone knows which kids are vegan without asking.
• You aren’t shocked when you see so&so’s baby being passed around to you and you magically know exactly where so&so is when her baby starts trying to nurse on you, even if you haven’t actually seen her up until that point.
• It reminds me of a village.

Scene Two: The Mainstream Gathering…

• Someone is crying when you get there and someone is crying when you leave, regardless of who they are or who their parents are.
• There are usually several children clinging to their parents, while their parents try desperately to have a conversation with another adult.
• At least 6 times in an hour you will hear, “mommy, so&so isn’t playing right/hit me/etc”…it doesn’t matter if your child never does this, but here s/he will.
• You are pretty much solely responsible for your child, because after all, I have my own to take care of.
• You will probably be looked at with suspect if one child hits another and you don’t send the hitter to ‘time out’/give a firm talking to/etc…whatever ‘your’ group expects of it’s members, but rather you try to work it all out peacefully.
• No one will know what your child can and can not eat, even if they have asked you a billion times.
• Games and such are usually preplanned and someone is assigned the duty of making sure they happen…because flying by the seat of your pants with kids is dangerous and chaotic!
• Babies aren’t usually passed around to give a mama a break and if so, she’s not likely to leave baby out of her sight.
• Children must seek out their own parents for help with food, drinks and bathroom needs, because they don’t usually feel comfortable with ’strangers’.
• You sort of have this feeling of needing to hover over your child…for no real reason, other than everyone else is doing it with their children.
• Adults that are present who aren’t parents might often be overheard saying, “why don’t you go find your mum/dad and see if they can help you/play with you/etc.”
• It seems a lot like a forced friendship to me and not at all like a village.

Now, before you go yelling at me and telling me that’s not the way it is with your group, I didn’t say always and in every group and at every activity. Not every group are like these examples. I happen to belong to a fantastic example of Scene One and have been a member of Scene Two many times…I have to say that while I have made many friends from Scene Two…they were really Scene One and didn’t realize it.

Oh, and it appears easier for Scene Two to integrate into Scene One, but not so for the reverse.

What about you, have you been on both sides of the fence and can report a noticeable difference? Have you been part of one of these groups and had the exact opposite experience? Did I leave out any major characteristics and differences?

I wanted to share a short interview with China Martens that Jakie Arsenuk of The F-Files did after China’s book The Future Generation: A Zine-Book for Subculture Parents, Kids, Friends and Others was published. 

This interview provides some insight into Anarchist Parenting and how not only is parenting a struggle, but that being a parent in the subculture and trying to do the right thing and treat your child like a human with respect is even more of a struggle in our oppressive world.

It also mentions how society’s and parents’ treatment of children and it’s oppressive nature is mirrored in other areas in our life, such as the treatment of people of color by those with fair skin and how women are oppressed by a male dominated society. Children (of all ethnicities and gender) are really victims too and deserve be included in our daily lives (including the politics thereof), treated with respect and have their autonomy supported.

Is my child sheltered? Are we a privileged family? As an Anarchist, how can I unschool & other similar ‘opt out’ actions? Can I really be a Feminist and be a Mother?

Is my child sheltered?
I’d have to say no up front, but then ask you to elaborate on the question behind the question. His friends are limited to the children of parents I am friends with and those in the community that we see frequently — and they are not all of the same ‘tribe’. Would he have a more diverse group of peers if he was to be in school…yes, to some degree I am sure. I also think that if we were simply able to move from the Northside of Pittsburgh (which is soaked in “white guilt” money), he would have a more diverse group of children to interact with and more children to relate to whose parents believe in treating them like autonomous individuals rather than property or mere inconveniences on their lives. E. is not sheltered from ‘reality’ and what is reported on the news…though we don’t watch the news. He knows about social ills and why we do the things that we do to not feed more money into institutions and corporations that perpetuate these ills. He also realizes that even his father and I do not agree on everything and how we manage. He trusts us and we trust him. He is almost five at the time of writing this…so, I am very comfortable with saying that yes, he is sheltered from a lot of what goes on, but not to an extent that he is shocked or devastated by events when they happen. He asks questions, gets answers and moves on. As E. gets older and starts doing more things in the community and more things on his own, he will be exposed to even more things and gain even deeper knowledge of the world that surrounds him.

Are we able to ‘do this’ (unschool) because we are privileged?
The short answer, no. We are surviving, pay our bills and eat. We are happy and have things…wouldn’t mind having more things from time to time, but we aren’t lacking basic needs. But we are definitely Low Income and not middle class or higher. Are we more privileged than others, yes, but we aren’t holding anyone back or keeping anyone down. We also believe so strongly in respecting our child and being authentic to his needs that we would do about anything to make sure we could continue to offer him the ability to experience life by living day to day in ‘the real world’ and not locked behind a school’s walls where he would have to ask permission (and often be denied) to piss. Where he would be singled out because he is biracial and would be considered ‘at-risk’. Where he would be force fed information not relevant to his life in the present and punished for not testing well. He would be indoctrinated with ‘character education’, which his father and I find absolutely absurd. He would be told that sex is evil and be denied accurate information to keep himself and others safe and healthy. He would be ‘at-risk’ in a school’s care. We are able to ‘do this’, because we want to prevent our son from becoming another blind member of this nation.

As an Anarchist, how can I unschool & other similar ‘opt out’ actions? Aren’t I just adding to the problem?
Please, I am so sick of hearing this point of view. If we really wanted to change the system them we should do it from the inside out. We should have our children enrolled and we should be there volunteering etc etc. You can not change this system of schooling, which we are cursed with; you have to demolish it and start anew. I can not do that by subjecting my child to the shit (big and little) that goes on in schools. I am not oppressing people who ‘are not so privlaged’ by keeping my child out of the system. If there is a will, there is a way. You can fight this too. It isn’t easy and it can mean a lot of self sacrifice…but I guess that’s too much to ask from some of my fellow Anarchists and Feminists. We all do what we can with the knowledge we have at hand and we do better when we are shown better. By not forcing school and all that it entails on my child and my family, I am showing others that there is another way. There is a better way for many out there who are suffering and their children are suffering. My child learns from the actions and words of those around him; so do you and so does everyone else. Stop trying to tell me that in order to be a ‘good Anarchist’ I have to subject my child to the very shit I am fighting against — fuck you!

Can I really be a Feminist and be a Mother?
Yes! Did I want to be a Mother? Yes. Do I think women should have the right to choose when, where and how to have or not have children? Yes. How do I really feel? I think it is wrong and cruel for women to have children they have no intention to raise with respect. I think it is wrong to make decisions for your child that only and always cater to your desires. If having a child (who is very dependent on you) is too much for your wants/needs/desires and too much of an inconvenience on your way of life, then do NOT have children. Do not have children simply because society expects you to have them. Do not have children so that you can pay someone else to raise them to afford you the ‘freedom’ to pursue your own plans. If you are going to give birth and raise a child then know what that means. It doesn’t mean that you will NEVER have your own time or that you can not pursue your own wants. But once you have a child you should realize that the world is no longer only spinning for you, but for you both. Yes, please find friends (or keep old friends) and go out and do things for yourself. Find time to work college, independent study, employment or hobbies into your life, but not in place of being a Mother. You can gain an education, you can work and you can paint without never seeing your children and without needing a partner. It does take work and effort, which as a Mother, I hope you are willing to put forth for your child. Is it possible? Yes, but it is often times fucking painful in a world that is oppressed by Patriarchal systems.

Can you really be a ‘radical’ and embrace/practice Radical Unschooling? Hell yes and you don’t have to be a ‘white, hetero, middle/upper class family’. And if you don’t fit that stereotype, it’s even more important that you take another look at Radical Unschooling. It might be the answer YOUR family has been searching for.