Isolation is something that I have dealt with and that I am still dealing with…you can tell by the amount of hurt and anger that pours out and coats most of my posts that deal with other parents or parenting in general. I have a hard time dealing with all the negativity that I see/hear when I am out and about. I am always reminding myself to be positive and reminding those close to me to do the same, but when faced with the negativity of strangers or acquaintances, I find that I can only feel negativity in response. I know that it is a choice; I could take a step back and remind myself to find the positive or at least identify the reality before me.
In Naomi Aldort’s recent newsletter, she speaks about isolation and I swear that she wrote it just for me — obviously, she didn’t and I know this! I want to share it and leave a few comments.
Reflections on Isolation
You are not alone in your parenting ways. We are all here together. And the parents who do it all differently are the same too, they just don’t know it yet. The illusion of separation hurts. If I look at a mother who yells at her child in the park and see her as ignorant and careless, I create my own isolation and pain. If, instead, I notice how she is at her wits’ end feeling helpless and out of control, I am with her. She is part of me. She is a mother in my own movie, my own life. I have a mother here with me who is having a hard time, and a child who is hurting. How can I help? For my sake, because I want a kinder view for me and my children.
If I see garbage on the ground in the park I pick it up because I want it clean. If I see a yelling parent, I want a kind parent and child, so I help. I bring kindness into the world of that moment. I may validate or offer physical help if I can and if it is needed and welcomed. If I can’t help, I hold loving and validating thoughts toward the mother and child. Sometimes a loving and understanding eye contact will make the whole difference. In that split second, the mother connects with me, knowing she is not alone, not judged; she and I are a community. She may calm down and kindness may flow through her.
Often you call with issues of isolation. No one else sleeps with their children, let them be their own way etc. Let me tell you what I see; they want to, they just don’t know and their mind, like yours, is designed to defend their position. If you see them as separate, wrong, or stupid, you isolate yourself and exclude them from the possibility of love. It is the same as with the bragging. Remember when we talked about the concept of bragging and I suggested that my children are not mine, but ours to celebrate? The other side of it is that the parts of us that are not thriving are also all ours. Another parents is part of the whole. To create peace, all of us have to get their. We must take care of every mother and child.
Taking care does not mean intervention or judgment. Only inclusion and responsibility. She is part of me. I have in my community a hurting child and parent. I help or I hold my loving thoughts. It is like having pain in my arm. My arm is part of the body I see as me and I care for it. The upset mother is also part of my universe, to be taken care of – with love.
©Copyright Naomi Aldort
With love,
Naomi
Wow! Right, so that speaks volumes and resonates with so much that I feel inside, but I also feel as though modeling, making eye contact and friendly validation is just not working. I don’t feel better when I do these things, because it doesn’t stop the inequality, violence or punitive parenting…no, I don’t want everyone to be just like me and to parent just in all the ways that I strive for, but I want them to be peaceful, for the sake of everyone.
I feel like so many around me seem to NOT want to be ‘better’ and I have a difficult time explaining to my child over and over why so & so is being yelled at or why her mum is so mean (his words) and why she can’t do all the fun things he can do. It’s not only my isolation, but my child’s. He is free, but most others are not. It brings me great pain. I really want to be able to find that connection with all mothers, but so many have so much work still to do just to be able to see what is being modeled, to hear what is being validated and to reflect and make positive changes.
I also have a hard time with the fear others hold onto…the fear of doing things outside of traditional parenting. And this fear of them ‘losing’ — losing control…as if their children are theirs to ‘control’, manipulate and program. I want to share my joy and help others find their own, but I find that the baby-steps aren’t enough and the heaping on at full force just pisses others off…there are days when I truly believe that it is a hopeless fight.
Through all my client sessions, online chatting and parenting chats with others on the same path, I know that there is hope and I know that the growing number of parents who are wanting to make a change are taking steps and gathering information…I know that we are all connected and I do not feel an isolation from them (even when there are miles between us).
I have so much love inside of me and I try to remain as mindful as possible, but the pain builds and finally erupts into judgmental ugliness from time to time. I don’t like feeling that way. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to give and feel love.
Wishing my readers a peaceful night full of love.
