Natural Attachment

May 16, 2011

our stories – part 5 – where did i go?

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , — michele james-parham @ 12:56 am

In case you have not noticed, I have not uploaded a post in over a month. No, I did not forget about blogging or lose interest in blogging. I broke my leg.

Come again? I said, I boke my leg.

To make an interesting story short, I was walking down the sidewalk and tripped. I ate the cold concrete with the left side of my face and my left knee – did not even get my hands out to break my fall. After dialing 911, the lovely paramedics took me to the ER at Alleghney General Hospital on Saturday, April 16th. While my father was 1200 miles away celebrating his forty-some-odd birthday, I was in the ER waiting to be admitted.

I had x-rays, a CT scan and an MRI. Those all confirmed that I did indeed shatter the top of my left tibia, which then led me to have an open reduction and internal fixation surgery on Monday, April 18th. I was discharged and sent home on Wednesday, April 20th. In my farewell goodie bag was a prescription for Percocet and 28 pre filled syringes of Lovenox (for me to inject into my soft fatty tummy every morning). Oh, and instructions not to put any weight on my brace bound leg for four weeks.

When I went for my two week post-op follow up doctor visit on Thursday, May 5th, I was x-rayed again (told those looked great), had my stitches removed and was outfitted with a fancy new leg brace that allows me to bend my knee some. I was told that I might actually see 20 years out of my knee before I needed a total knee replacement, instead of the ten years that I was threatened with after surgery. I was also given a prescription for physical therapy for six weeks (2 to 3 times a week).

Last week, on Wednesday the 11th, I went to my first PT appointment. I go to my next appointment this Thursday. I have no idea when I will get to try walking… but, it seems as though that is still a ways out.

What do I do all day? PT exercises, play on my new iPad (that my in-laws bought me), play games on my Nintendo DS, hang out with the kiddo and be taken care of by my Dear Other Half. I have lived in the front room of our house on a spare bed for a month now and will remain there awhile longer.

I am going to try to pick up where I left off with my weekly blogging schedule, but it may get drastically cut down. Here is a reminder of what I had been doing:

Monday
Wednesday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
And the rest of “our stories” can be found here.

I am not completely sure how much of that I will keep up with, but I will make an effort to blog at least a couple times a week. Typing on an iPad is quite infuriating and blogging with links and doing the whole cut and paste routine is proving to be quite cumbersome. We shall see what comes of this. However, once I am mobile again and can use my regular computer, I plan on being back in the blogging game, full swing.

That is all for tonight.

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February 13, 2011

our stories – part 4 – needs & wants & guilt

Filed under: Life — Tags: , , , , , , , — michele james-parham @ 9:25 pm

This past week has been all about needs and wants for me. I’ve had a lot of time to myself (for the most part – I do live practically 24/7 with a 7y/o) to reflect over all the craziness that my life has been the last few months.

I’ve chosen to live for a long time with unmet needs and wants. However, my choices have been made from a place or feeling of obligation to make those choices. Constantly telling myself I can do without or ignore certain things, because that’s how it has to be. I am a crazy person in general, but I had not realized just how crazy living like this has made me until recently. Literally bat-shit crazy.

It’s true that we make sacrifices in our lives and compromises. This is especially true if we are committed to a significant other or living with children. When we sacrifice too much of ourselves, we can burry ourselves and become disconnected with ourselves – basically living half alive. What’s worse is making sacrifices unnecessarily or giving up things without even being asked to give them up – or thinking you should, when in reality that’s the last thing you need/needed to do (talking to you, Dear Other Half).

I’m coming to realize that my years and years of battling depression has stemmed from constantly compromising my needs and wants away and worse yet, not voicing many of them to begin with. I’ve got nobody to blame but myself for not speaking up. I get that. And that part, makes me even crazier.

Going along with something to not ‘rock the boat’ (maybe in an effort to cling to what we have) without saying how we really feel is just soul-suicide. Soul-sucking-suicide.

I live with a lot of guilt on a daily basis. Guilt that is not necessary, that shouldn’t be there and it’s been eating me up from the inside out. Some of my guilt stems from feeling obligated to not voice my needs/wants because of the sacrifices others have made for me. At times, I just say to myself, “quit your bitching/whining, already”. Let me tell you just oh how so unbelievably helpful this tactic is – not.

I’ve got to get over the guilt. I’m tired of feeling guilty, especially when I am feeling up and good and everyone around me is feeling low and down.

But first, I have to be radically honest about my needs/wants/desires.

And, the important people in my life need to equally be radically honest about their needs.

I feel kind of clinical and impersonal making a literal check list of needs/wants, but I can’t visualize a better or more ‘organic’ way to use my voice. I feel like a list would help me to prioritize and help me not overlook hidden needs or needs parading around as one thing when they are in fact something else altogether.

And after rereading what I’ve typed so far, it sounds as though I have tons of unmet needs – not the case at all. It’s just that the ones I have are kind of big ones, important big ones. And ignoring them has stirred up all kinds of shit in me, in my relationships and in my life in general.

I’m tired of that.

I’m tired of fear – tired of being afraid to ask for what I need.

I’m tired of feeling guilty for having needs – tired of feeling obligated to ignore them.

I’m going to start making my list tonight. It might take me some time to complete (maybe a couple days, a week or a month), but when I get done, I know I’m going to feel a hell of a lot better – and feeling better is what I *need* most.

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February 7, 2011

our stories – part 3 – who the fuck am i & where the hell am i going?

Filed under: Life,Religiosophy — Tags: , , , , , , , , — michele james-parham @ 11:45 pm

I’m in a funk.

I found myself depressed last week because of things that happened the week before; I had chosen to ignore my feelings at the time in an effort to have a positive and happy birthday week — for the most part, that worked, but it all caught up with me towards the end of this past week.

I thought about cutting (haven’t done that since I was like 12). I thought about running away (that’s never solved my problems, only made them worse). I’ve moved passed these things. Don’t worry, friends.

Now… here I am in a funk.

There are things I want to say, but it’s too late or not really important now. There are things I want to do, but I can’t. There are places I want to be, but I can’t go there now.

I tend to be a fairly guarded person (trying not to be here) and have a hard time letting others in, but in this moment, I’m having a hard time letting myself out. What does that mean exactly, I’m not sure. My eyes are welling up with tears right now as I type, but I have no idea why.

I’ve tried to talk some about what I am feeling and about some of the thoughts running through my head, but every time I open my mouth, nothing comes out right; I end up saying things wrong or saying the wrong things. I’m having a terrible time articulating what’s on my mind and it’s so frustrating.

Everything ends up sounding like I’m terribly unhappy and I am unhappy about somethings, but for the most part, I am very happy and extremely grateful for what I have and for who is in my life.

I need to say a lot of things to several people, but somethings, I don’t have words for and somethings, probably would be better off not said and like I said earlier, somethings would be too late and pointless to say.

Arrrgh, I’ve never really been in an emotional rut/funk like this before. I’ve had writer’s block, but never emotional-block or rather, articulation-of-emotions-block.

I’m really at a loss as to what to do. I feel like I need to spend some time away from everyone and everything and just sleep and write – write everything and anything that comes to my head. I need to figure shit out. I need to clear my head.

And that’s weird, because I spend a lot of time alone… well, a lot of time isolated from adults.

I need to figure out what I am doing anymore. I need to figure out where I am going these days. I think I’ve kind of lost myself and she was really fucking awesome – I’d like to have her back. Any time now. Thanks.

Jesus, I sound like a whinny 45 year old having a mid-life crisis (no offense to any whinny 45 year olds out there having a mid-life crisis) and I’m only 29.

I went through a such a terrible spell. A terrible spell of being such a terrible person in the past few months and not knowing how to not be terrible – feeling so literally out of control of everything that I just made life so miserable for so many people, people that I love. I was faced with an obstacle and I didn’t know how to deal with it, get around it or jump over it. So, I just tried to avoid it or run head first into it – needless to say, neither of those approaches worked.

I’m still not there. But, I think I see light at the end of this tunnel.

I don’t really know where to go from here, but I guess I’ll figure that out.

Everything always seems to work out in the end.

I have hope – I *have to* have hope, right?!

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For those of you who like comics. I LOVE the 3rd link – I relate to Nemi, but I am so much Erika in Dar!

Alison Bechdel

Dar!

Nemi

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Last but not least another good old xkcd.

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January 29, 2011

our stories – part 2 – loss

Filed under: Family & Friends,Health,Life,Procreation,Religiosophy — Tags: , , , , — michele james-parham @ 8:29 pm

I think everyone that I know has experienced some kind of loss. I don’t think it’s possible to be human and to not lose something important or someone special to you at some point in your life – probably multiple times. There’s been a lot of literal and figurative loss in and around my life in the last few months.

But I’m still breathing. I’m still holding on. I’m still finding Hope stuffed away in corners of my heart.

Losing something because of another person is painful, but not as painful as losing something because of giving up. Not to say that there are definitely times to fight and times to forget about fighting. We do need a clear idea of what our priorities are, what is most important to us – otherwise we can’t make sound decisions.

Losing something because the Universe decides it, can seem most cruel. But, everything happens for a reason and in due time, everything works out. I believe this. I have to believe this.

I’ve lost two things recently.

Yesterday. I lost a person whom I really liked – not via death, but a kind of distance. This person had been a huge part of my world for the last three months. This person caused me to look at and evaluate a lot in my life – I’m thankful for that. This person made me feel good and made me smile. This person also caused a lot of upheaval in my life – that’s been painful (but pain is only weakness leaving the body). I wasn’t great at communicating with this person – I’ve not been great at communicating with myself or my husband lately either. I’ve learned a lot and squirreled away that knowledge for future reference. I didn’t figure out what I wanted/needed until it was too late. We all make mistakes or learning-takes and we all grow from them.

Last night. I lost a pregnancy. A pregnancy that had begun only four weeks ago at conception. My husband and I have wanted another child for years and we’ve had problems conceiving for one reason or another. I’ve had late cycles before, but nothing as significant as this in recent history. I didn’t want to get attached to this nor get too excited in an effort to diminish possible disappointment. I failed at the last moment. I’ll be okay. My body will be okay – bodies are pretty awesome at taking care of themselves. I’ve been stressed a lot lately. I’ve not been breathing like I should.

Yesterday was a double dose of loss for me, but I’m still here. Tomorrow will be another day. Today is always the greatest day of my life.

But, I can’t dwell on what I’ve lost when I have so much around me to be thankful for and grateful for. I am so loved and loved by so many – I have running water & electricity for crying-out-loud!

Tonight, I’m doing lots of breathing. Tomorrow, I want to start living again.

That’s my story of recent loss. Feel free to share one of your own.

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January 24, 2011

our stories – part 1 – who are we (if we stay closeted)?

Filed under: Family & Friends,Life,Religiosophy — Tags: , , , , , — michele james-parham @ 11:06 pm

“We spend so much time stifling ourselves. So many years spent trying to be who we aren’t, who we don’t even want to be. Gay, writer, witch – even things we think are no big deal, we often hide from the world. We hide from ourselves. We trivialize pieces of our identity, trying to be normal or small or unremarkable, because we’ve learned that that’s the way to be.” Being a writer is like being a lesbian

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it.” ~ Brene Brown

Owning up to and coming out about ourselves is simple, but hardly ever easy. These past few months have been a time of major reflection for me. A time to really taste, mull and chew on truths within and without me. To try and feel like me. Someone whom I’ve never truly felt like. Someone whom I’ve never actually been allowed to feel like. Life is too short to keep running from yourself.

Each of us has a story. Actually, most of us have many stories – some of them true and some of them just that, stories. Owning those stories can be really painful for ourselves and those around us, but it’s the honest thing to do.

So, for those of you who don’t know:

I’m a lesbian.
A married lesbian.
A happily-married-to-a-straight-male-lesbian.
We have-an-awesome-son-and-hopefully-equally-awesome-future-children-together lesbian.
My family-doesn’t-know-unless-they’re-reading-this-blog-post-now-(hi there!) lesbian.

That’s one of my stories. What’s one of yours?

Dido – Honestly OK

Side Note: Yes, I do realize that this makes two posts in one day! That’s fucking amazing! I was going to cheat and not publish this one until tomorrow, but that wouldn’t be very fun.

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"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it." ~ Brene Brown