Tag Archive - parenting

Externally Directed by Political Ideology: Living in Boxes

May 22, 2009 in Life, Politics, Religiosophy with 7 Comments

I’m going to attempt to blog about myself. I know that I have talked about myself a little here and there, but I’ve never really devoted a lengthy post to nothing but the inner workings of me. I’ve opened myself up for much debate and criticism through many of the topics that I have blogged about…we can just add this post to that list :)

I’ve been pondering over somethings someone recently said to me. Pondering because I really wanted to understand whether or not this person’s words were the truth, as in a Universal Truth. I’m going to quote this person, but only anonymously, because I haven’t spoken to them about my thoughts — this post isn’t about that person or their words, only about what I might be doing/saying to cause a competent & intelligent person to say the things they said.

“…what causes defensiveness is…the asking of some very loaded questions paired with follow-up descriptions that imply your choices, your philosophy, and your approach to parenting is the only way to go, not just for you but for everyone in the world.”

“…you seem to have a political ideology that informs every aspect of your life.”

“…when you’re sharing your parenting philosophies, I guess it sometimes feels like you’re also lecturing the group in an Anarchism 101 class – Goldman, Bakunin, Sacco and so on.”

“It almost feels like you are a crusader of sorts, in the political sense rather than the religious, and in the left-end of the spectrum rather than the right.”

I like the person who said these things. I respect this person for saying them too. However, enough about the person saying these things.

It would be interesting to note before I go on how a “loaded question” is described. This is for my own information and reflection, but feel free to educate yourselves. I only recall but one question which could have fit into the category of “loaded question”, but semantics aren’t all they are cracked up to be these days.

Now, before I say anything else. I want to share a quote, which sums up quite nicely how I feel about the accusation of being politically motivated in my correspondence with those on discussions lists and with the world in general.

“I also believe you conflate the terms ‘anarchism’ and ‘anarchy’: AnarchY might be imaginary — meaning that we don’t now and may never have a society without coercive rulers — but anarchISM is a Value Set, like pacifism, or Christian love, or Buddhist empathy. It is not a description of the world, but a standard for judging situations within the world. ” – bkMarcus

I fully agree with the quote. Anarchism is a Value Set. It is a way in which one can view the world and a way in which a people can interact with the world. It is a model of thought to help one look at a situation — does this make sense, is everyone being respected and loved, is anyone using coercive means to “get their way”, is everyone being heard (the questions that most unschoolers ask themselves when there seems to be conflict)?

I also understand that by explicitly stating that I am an Anarchist, I have placed myself into a box. This box makes others assume certain things about me and expect certain things from me and lends the thought that I might have some kind of political agenda behind my interactions with the world. Do I have an agenda? I guess I do in that it makes no sense to spread the word of love, respect and egalitarianism if I am not hoping that my modeling and explanations of such concepts wouldn’t lead to more people living peacefully, consensually and with (not next to) one another. You can do those things and live in those ways without identifying yourself as an Anarchist, but you would be living out principles of Anarchism regardless — just as I also model & live by some aspects of Buddhist empathy and pacifism.

I admire, respect and think highly of children. I am pained deeply by how our culture treats children as second class citizens and how it views childhood as some kind of preparatory and lesser period of life. I do not like the things I see people doing and saying to their children that are hurtful, disrespectful, oppressive and condescending. I do not find it helpful to children to NOT stand up for them when someone is saying or doing something, which is counter to how much better that person would treat an adult, a guest in their home or the family pet. I believe that many of the things I do as a parent and advocate for other parents is “right” and not just “right for my family”. Those things which model principles we hope our children grow to live by, those things which come instinctively and NOT from a book by an “expert” and those things which follow the path of the least resistance all tend to just make sense as apposed to a whole host of tools for manipulation that parents and other adults adopt when living with children. These tools are often solely for the purpose of producing obedient, clean & quiet children that parents & adults do not have to *deal* with.

If you have something to complain about then you are either not “doing it right” or you have expectations (for yourself or your children) which are unreasonable. All the complaints I hear from people about children can be filed into one of two categories 1) children are inconvenient to the life *I* want to live or 2) they aren’t doing what *I* want/need them to do for *me*. Constantly fighting and melting down means that you are constantly working against your child’s natural inclinations and desires…working with them seems natural, easier and makes more sense in the long run. People are so quick to ask something like “does that mean it’s okay for my child to hit me” and the answer is “no”, but the real issue is not the act of hitting but the why of hitting. What have you done or not done to cause your child to resort to hitting (barring some kind of organic mental health issue leading to the hitting)? I know when my son resorts to hitting it’s because *I* didn’t pay close enough attention to his energy in the present, he hadn’t eaten in awhile or *I* wasn’t doing *my* job of acting as a buffer to the environment he was in. *I* was not doing my part to help him shine. I can see how attractive it is to lay all the blame and shame on the child, who so many seem to think “should know better”. I don’t have the expectation for a child to refrain from being physical as I do for an adult to refrain from being physical (especially from being physical with a child).

I have a way of seeing the world and the inherent good of people, which is interwoven into every aspect of my life. I would not call it political. However, it affects my political outlook. This interwoven perception of reality might line up with much of Anarchistic Thought and I am quite sure that this shines through when I speak and when I explain how I view a situation — I am not a moderate, nor a centrist, so my views and opinions are more noticeable, palpable than most. It just so happens that how I feel about children and parenting them reflects almost perfectly with how Libertarianism and Anarchism feel about children and parenting them. I guess it shouldn’t matter that I had most of my ideas on parenting set in place long before I was ever a parent and long before I would have called myself an Anarchist. I had already fit into the box without realizing the box existed.

If anything, I would consider myself a crusader of humanity. And specifically equal, respectful and humane treatment of children — if we can’t treat them “right”, how will we ever be able to treat anyone else right? My opposition doesn’t see children worthy of equal time, equal respect or equal acceptance…just like so many men used to and still do feel about women and minorities.

My opposition sees it as their place to direct, mold and create their children and their children’s lives, to make or force them to fit into the parents’ idea of what a child should/shouldn’t do/be/say/think and to make/force them to fit into the parents’ way of living. I see it as my duty to be my children’s partner, to help them navigate this world, to watch them unfold into their own persons (redefining each day as needed) and to help them shine their brightest with the best of my ability. I see my job to help them have as much access to the world as they ask for,  to do it when they ask for it and to trust them with their access. It is my job to help preserve my children’s authenticity and autonomy, and because there is not a magical age when those two things develop or can be handed to a person, I trust that they are present from birth and only strengthen their resolve with each passing day.

Every aspect of my life is affected however not ruled or decided by a political ideology. I have principles that I strive to live by. These are internal, self-initiated and self-directed. Ultimately, I do not answer to external thoughts or persons, but only to myself and thankfully for myself & those around me, I have reached adulthood with a set of positive & egalitarian internal principles. After taking some time to ponder on these things, I am beginning to understand why it is common to find people who are intimidated or awed by me. My Dear Other Half will tell me it is because I am elitist, though in denial. I believe it is because I emit a sense of having my shit together; because I know what I want and what I need and I know how to get these things; because I am solid in my resolve and do not waver; because I have found a way to over come the selfishness that my attention starved childhood placed on me; because I do not take shit from people and I don’t care whether or not my actions answer appropriately to some archaic mode of tact and decorum; because only those nearest to me have the privilege to see me crack and to lose my Zen; because I am no longer afraid of myself nor am I afraid of doing what feels right and what makes sense in the moment. Not many can stand next to me and say those same things. These things are not because my life is informed by some political ideology, but because I & the Universe own my life, my choices and the Being that inhabits this bag of bones.

“…that I will perform All things and endure All things for the Great Work of the Universe…that I will continue in the Knowledge and Conversation of my Holy Guardian Angel…”

M.

 

Aldort Amazes and Astounds Me Again

January 19, 2009 in Parental, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy with 0 Comments

So, Naomi Aldort always amazes and astounds me. She is Joy, Peace and Love to the fullest. A true teacher/wise-wombyn without judgment. I just wanted to post up the Reflections and an interview from her latest newsletter. The things she mentions about not relying on outside experts and information and “going inside” oneself are the very things that I try very hard to convey to clients and other people. Oh how clouded our minds and intuitions become when we worry about others and how they perceive us and ‘doing it right’. So, here the end of the newsletter in its entirety.

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6) Reflections as a prologue to Tamara’s interview on baby’s crying:

Most modern parents believe what the doctors, media, schools and magazines tell them like it was truth. You are reading this newsletter, because you stopped believing these cherished ideas about letting babies cry, cribs, disciplining, telling children what to do, etc. You started listening to your inner voice of love instead.

One of the greatest core brainwashing themes we suffer from is the idea of “proof” and of being “scientific.” Since quantum physics, scientists themselves are starting to shy away from believing that the way we “prove” things has any merit, or that our “scientific” thinking and lab work is a proof at all. If anything it is one limiting way of thinking and often far from truth. It is only provable within its own rules. Yet most people are not able to see truth in front of their eyes if they look for “proof.”

A mother asked me, “how do I know that its all right for my baby to breastfeed and fall asleep on the breast?” Looking for evidence, she missed the proof. Thinking that the baby doesn’t know took this mother away from the loudest truth: reality. The baby is nursing and falling asleep. That’s how I know that this is what the baby should do. He does it.

Babies, birth and children existed before the idea of science and proofs. Children are raised best not by scientists but by mothers whose instincts are unharmed by science and who trust themselves and don’t look for approval or guidance outside. When we see the baby and child without layers of thoughts, the baby and child learns to do the same and become rooted inside.

There are so many ideas we have believed in the last century about health and sickness, food, viruses, bacteria. We only know what we hold as real from someone else and from linear thinking (unlike quantum thinking). These food and health “facts” are not facts, just like the fear that the baby will grow up sexually distorted if he sleeps with you is not true. When I don’t look to read someone else’s thesis and “proof” I live here and now. I don’t invent the wheel, but I also don’t build my life on verbal confusion. I always check with me and respond to my baby.

As you read the following interview with Tamara, keep in mind this cultural drive for evidence. Instead of looking for science, look for the greatest evidence on earth, you, your baby, reality, and the only time there is: Now.

7) Responding to your crying baby:

The following is an email dialogue that ended up like a sort of an interview. It is from Tamara, who is still working on editing and will have it on her site soon. The background is the same search for proofs instead of being with love and connection to what is in front of us.



                     Responding to Your Crying Baby

-An Interview with Naomi Aldort -




Responding to Your Crying Baby

-An Interview with Naomi Aldort -

Interviewer: Tamara Parnay


Tamara: How to respond to my crying baby? This is a question that comes up for many mothers. Do you consider the tender holding of one’s crying baby to be in and of itself a soothing maternal response?


Naomi: I avoid the word “soothing” as that creates the idea of rejecting the crying. Being in arms simply keeps the baby feeling safe, connected, and loved unconditional of his emotional expression.


If all the baby’s needs are met and if the mother knows clearly that the baby is unleashing emotions and needing a loving listener and a sense of rightness, then holding, validating, and connecting is a loving and supportive response.


The baby who is in arms does not usually need to resort to crying to communicate a need. A gentle cue gets the mother’s response. Therefore, when a baby in arms cries it is often not for a basic need but for a different reason, often to unleash emotions. Assuming the baby was in arms at all times, a mother knows quickly if there is a problem (pain, discomfort, medical, fear…). She even knows when her baby is going to cry before it happens.


T: Do you believe it’s possible at times for additional maternal responses, such as rocking or bouncing, to stifle or discourage a baby’s complete release of crying?


Naomi: Yes. The message becomes: You must stop crying. Instead it is better to stay connected emotionally, spiritually and physically to join where the baby is and be with her. When we panic and try every trick on earth to stop the crying, we tell the child in essence, “Your emotional expression is wrong, scary, unwanted and must be stopped.” In that case we are rejecting the baby’s feelings and self-expression.


T: What are your views about the advice to maintain a search for solutions (looking to uncover the unmet needs) to the baby’s crying, rather than taking a moment to hold the baby, breathe deeply, get in touch with one’s love for the baby and oneself, and feel acceptance for the crying?


Naomi: Initially: respond to the need when it is clear; nurse, change diaper, move, sleep, food, hug.


T: Sometimes I automatically knew that there wasn’t a need for nursing, diaper change, motion, sleep, etc. So, it seemed to me that I went straight to holding and being with my babies in order to give them a safe and loving place to cry. However, when I think about it, I did do an almost instant, assessment, often in my head.


On occasion, when I was feeling stressed and unaccepting of my baby’s crying, I would simply hold him even just for a moment, breathe deeply, get in touch with my love for him, and find acceptance for him just as he was, tears and all. Sometimes that helped calm us both. And sometimes, in this state of stillness and peace, answers appeared.


Naomi: Yes. I always am careful to mention first responding… because I have actually observed mothers whose intuition is buried so deep, that they don’t notice that there is a need. I see in public mothers holding a baby who CLEARLY asks to breastfeed, and they don’t seem to notice it. I sometimes say, “I think she wants to nurse,” and the mother is surprised…  So, we cannot assume that mothers have their intuition up front, unfortunately.


A mother who has a healthy connection with her baby knows when he has a need to cry, can stay present, loving and honoring his needs, need not search for solutions because there is no problem, or you may say, she found the solution. We all would love to sometimes cry in the arms of a loving mother/friend who lets us fall apart and does not fall apart by our agony. The baby counts on you for this unconditionally loving support. If he needs to cry and mother seems shaken and disturbed it is very unsettling and scary for the baby.


However, it is not always this easy for mothers. We have been working hard in the AP community to help mothers be responsive. We moved away from letting the baby cry, to realizing that crying is his way to communicate. So the message is confusing at times. Most attachment parenting mothers go for the medal in a baby who never cries. So this means that they meet all the needs but sometimes may stifle the baby’s need to cry.


Learning to distinguish crying for a need, from the need to cry is not always easy and I for one am big on helping mothers find the wisdom inside of them to make this distinction.


T: How might the baby interpret continuing efforts to search out solutions to his crying? Does he continue to sense his mother’s unconditional love for him? And what is the impact on the mother?


Naomi: When crying does not seem to point to a tangible need, it is important to stop the search for a fix so the baby knows that crying is fine and that mother stays content, peaceful and supportive. When we are busy trying to stop his crying, the baby has no idea why we try to stop him and learns to suppress his own feelings, please us, detach from himself, and more.


T: It seems to me there can be a fine line between discouraging crying and using soothing responses while searching for causes for the crying. How do you feel about this? Do you believe it is common for mothers distinguish between soothing their babies during an outpouring of emotion and trying to stop the crying?


Naomi: With the way most modern mothers have been raised, many do not make this distinction. They may soothe and not realize that they are rejecting the child’s emotional expression, or, they might think they are supporting crying while the baby actually has a need. So, as you see, with my many years of counseling parents world wide, I don’t see any rights and wrongs, only mothers and babies; one at a time.


T: Regarding the idea of the mother-baby unit, “mamatoto,” and how the mother and baby’s needs are inextricably linked, would taking this special relationship into account affect the way you suggest how mothers might go about responding to their babies’ crying?


This differs from mother to mother in our society. Remember that most mothers were raised with one degree or another of disconnection when they were babies and children. We do need to take this fact into account with compassion. A mother’s ability to be one with the baby varies with the amount of pain she has experienced through her life.


This beautiful connection, when present, is the best guide. But, our society’s confusing messages are hard to escape even when doing AP fully. Ideally, yes. If the mother listens only to her baby and herself, free of needing approval and from the voices of others, she would respond optimally.


T: Can you point me to any articles or books you know of that deal with this topic?


Yes: My new 4 CD set, Raising Competent Children Through Attachment Parenting, It is an interview that covers this issue among many other themes, from babies though young children. In addition the 2CD set, Babies and Toddlers to Tame or to Trust is an attachment parenting class, and, my book, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, answer this question as well.


I truly know of nothing else that is clear of full primal mother child connection while at the same time values emotional power, self-expression, and self-realization. It seems everyone is still reacting to the pain of letting babies cry themselves to sleep, with the reactive panic to stop the crying, even when the crying is the actual need.


T: There seems to be an increasing reliance on scientific research-based advice used in attachment parenting education to back attachment parenting as the “right” way to parent. I personally think the research is useful for doctors and other specialists, and I find it interesting to read, but I do not use it as advice on how to parent.


I think of it as external advice, and I believe it is so important for us mothers to be encouraged to get in touch with our internal “advice,” meaning our intuition, our maternal wisdom, and especially our love for our children. I sense that much, if not all, of the parenting knowledge we need resides within us, and I worry that parents, especially us mothers, aren’t being empowered. Seems we need most of all to get in touch with our love, and be free to respond to our children from that place of love within us. Love so often provides us with the answers we need.


Naomi: Well said. Go inside is my song of the milenium. It is the song of Byron Katie and other spiritually awake leaders. It is the song of love and connection. When I counsel, I take the mother back to herself. She has the answers, only she didn’t see them. If I only give answers, she is dependent on external source again. When I facilitate her ability to go inside for answers, she has the wise master within her at all times.


It is my main teaching, to look inside, not outside. I have noticed this problem with AP, making it yet another outside guide for mothers. And I already see the results daily. Most of my clients are mothers who followed this advice and call me with the question: Why is my child so aggressive and unable to feel or have things not go her way?


T: So, you are saying that there is a way to respond to the need to cry such that the baby gains emotional strength?


Yes. We have been supportive of feelings, which is good. Raising powerful people is the next step. We always respond to crying, but responding does not always mean stopping it. A powerful person can have sadness and stay powerful precisely because he is not afraid to feel, and he knows that he is loved while being sad.


In a way, our fear of crying as self-expression has caused some mothers to go against the baby. We must now learn to go with the baby and child. But, always respond to needs first. Why give a loving ear to the crying if the reason for it can be eliminated? And, on the other side, why reject the baby’s crying if that’s what he needs to do?


This is the reason I like to guide mother contextually rather than in content. I like to help mothers gain clarity from the inside rather than giving information and tricks. Telling the mother what to do is like giving food to the hungry. It is good, but even better is teaching the hungry to grow food or hunt. I teach mothers to trust themselves and their babies. I help them remove the clutter of thoughts from childhood, media and culture, that prevent them from being clear about their baby’s crying and other needs.


T: To summarize, in responding from a place of love for her baby, and acceptance for his crying, a mother will often intuitively know what her baby needs?


The love toward a baby and child does not lie. When a mother comes from that context of love and trust, she will know the reason for the crying very quickly and without a manual of instructions. I don’t want to add to the mental the clutter of yet another instruction of the “right” way to do things as I will just create another dependency on external voices.


Our society has strayed away from nature, intuition and trust because of too much reliance on external guidance. When the child watches us following external direction, he will grow up to do the same. That’s how we created a society of followers, consumers, peer addicted people. When I help mothers to go inside for answers, the babies and children end up learning the same thing. Instead of growing up dependent on proofs and on others’ opinions, they grow up to be rooted in themselves. Instead of relating through seeking approval, they become able to freely create authentic and deep human connections.


T: Thank you, Naomi, for sharing your maternal wisdom with us, and for supporting us in getting in touch with ours.


Tamara Parnay is a freelance writer and mother to two of our Earth family’s children, daughter Nairie (b. 2002), and son Ahri (b. 2004). She enjoys reading, creative writing, gardening, painting, bicycling, and playing with her children and husband. Originally from the US and New Zealand, her family is living in The Netherlands.


Interview took place in January, 2009


©Copyright Naomi Aldort


Naomi Aldort Ph.D.

Author, Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

http://naomialdort.com/book.html

Parenting counseling and workshops

Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie

(360)376-3777

POB 1719 Eastsound, WA 98245, USA

naomi@aldort.com


Transforming parent-child relationships from reaction and struggle to Freedom, Power and Joy.



								
 


		

		

	



	
		
			

			
				“I need time away from my child…”			
		

		
	

		
			December 29, 2008		 in 
		
			Parental, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy		 with 
		
			14 Comments		
	

	

		
			
							
		
		

			
Well, I don’t, but that’s what you hear so many parents (especially mums) saying these days.


“I need *me* time.”

“When will I ever get time to myself?”

“I don’t know how you can be around your child all day; I’d kill myself.”

“I give you credit, because I sure couldn’t do it.”

“I have my own life outside of Motherhood/Parenthood.”

“I can’t imagine being around them all day.”

“I was so thankful once they could start school/daycare/preschool and I could have some time to myself.”

“Don’t you want time for yourself?”

“The time I do spend with them is enough chaos for me already.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids, but…”


And so on and so on…things we’ve all heard and probably some things many of us have said at one time or another. The crazy thing is that in almost any circle of parents that you say one of these lines in, you’ll be affirmed with nods of agreement or smiles of understand or the occasional outburst of “oh, I know” or “I hear ya”. Is it wrong for parents to enjoy their children and enjoy being around them, sharing life together? Did I miss the memo about it being ‘uncool’ to be a mum?


Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy taking showers by myself and going to the bathroom by myself, as well as a whole host of other little things throughout the day in my life that I do or would rather do by myself. I have hobbies that are not connected to or centered around the fact that I am a mother with a 5 year old and I magically find time to do them both with and without company. Furthermore, I actually like being around my son all day…not that we’re together all day, because Elijah rarely (actually, I can’t remember the last time) sleeps with us and he spends at least a couple hours alone in his room on most days, as well as other bits here & there in the day where he’s not involved with what I am doing.


I enjoy my son’s company. He’s a really neat person and has interesting and often profound ideas about things. I love to see and hear about what he’s been creating and doing all day. Lately, I’ve been extremely fulfilled by sitting for more than an hour or two building with Legos with him…can you imagine how great it is to forget about everything around you for a couple hours (until your stomach starts gnawing on your backbone from ignored hunger) by just clicking together little plastic bricks?! We have fun together every day with very little pressure if any at all about what time it is or when we have to start or be done with certain activities. It is a life full, free and spontaneous. Oh and it is ‘Real Life’, maybe not the ‘Real Life’ that you’ve chosen, but the ‘Real Life’ that we’ve chosen.


While it might seem hard to contrast the life of a stay-at-home-unschooling-mum to that of a say, part-time-working-with-kids-in-school-mum, I have some ideas as to why the latter mum says one or all of the above statements about needing time away from her children. First, let’s consider the most obvious: child is away from parents all day at school/daycare and parents are away at work or at home doing whatever they do without child all day. Then, once school ends there is a (almost seemingly) never ending routine of hurry, rush, cry, beg, bribe, sports/music practice, fast food, homework, bath fight, tv fight, pyjama fight, bed fight and then collapse. I am going to do my best to address each of the things that I mentioned, as well as some of the deeper issues behind some of them.


Bed Fight: You can not force someone to sleep…let me rephrase this: You can not force someone to sleep without wearing them completely down mentally, physically or by drugging them and even that is not a guarantee. A baby/toddler crying in the next room incessantly, finally gives up on you and after complete exhaustion from physical & emotional exertion falls asleep…they start to give up on you quicker and quicker and resort to sleep as an escape from reality — I’ve studied enough psychology (both on and off the record) to know how sleep works as an escape for so many, including young children. When children (starting from birth) can regulate their own sleep cycles, they find a groove that suits them and it becomes much easier for them to adapt that cycle for things such as appointments and even school later on — especially if those appointments and school are their choice.


Pyjama Fight: Do I really have to stress how unimportant it is to wear certain clothing (or any for that matter) to go to sleep? Sure, if you know that your child sleeps better not wearing her jeans, then reminding her of this and helping her find something softer and less binding/bunching might be nice, but it’s not worth fighting over…ever.


TV Fight: There are so many ways this one can go, but if the fight is simply because the TV watching is holding up the next hurried section of the daily routine, then maybe the routine should be changed or reevaluated and not the TV time. If you are against TV, then don’t own one — it’s hypocritical for you to limit a child’s TV time and not follow the same limits yourself…you aren’t setting a good example. But, “all he does is watch TV all day [really, all day?]“…I am sure that he does watch TV every moment that you allow him to, because it’s being rationed out and limited. If you removed TV limits, he’d gorge on it until he realized that he really could watch it whenever he wanted to and he’ll then move on to other things…especially if there are other interesting things in his life (of his choosing) to move on to. Either get over the TV/computer or don’t have one…you freely chose to buy them and bring them into your home, right?


Bath Fight: Attention, this is a blog written by a ‘dirty hippie’, so keep that in mind. Unless a child is literally covered in mud and her school wouldn’t allow her to attend in such a state, then either finding a non-coercive way to bathe her (unless you are ‘okay’ bathing someone against their will when it isn’t a life or death issue) or calling her in absent are your options. You control your body and when it is bathed; you either like to bath once or twice a day or go for several days without doing so — guess what, children are the same way, except that they don’t buy into social standards of beauty & such and you will find that most (unless they are absolutely filthy) will not bath daily or even weekly. Unless a child has a natural love of water, bathing is usually something that they will NOT choose to do regularly until some time around puberty. Being squeaky clean daily in body and environment (your house) is something that most of us are conditioned to be/do, not something that we freely choose to be/do.


Homework: Well, it goes without saying that if your children are not in school or not subjected to school-at-home(schooling), then there will be no homework! Imagine a life free from doing the same worksheets, chapter reviews & ‘creative’ projects that even as a child you hated and didn’t understand (didn’t understand both how or why). There is far too much homework and it is placing much unneeded extra stress on families who are already finding it hard enough to connect and be civil to one another, without schools dictating what goes on at home after the last bell rings. School is pernicious and finds it’s way into & controls every fiber of your life as a family…it’s like AOL (America Online), you can never really erase it from your computer entirely!


Fast Food: It doesn’t take a genius to realize that eating ‘food’ from the ‘Golden Arches’ every day is not a healthy way to live, but at least these children are being fed something and I credit at least that much, because sadly some parents (even without economic hardships) aren’t even doing that much. I also realize that many people out there who are parents don’t know how to cook or rather loath cooking, but I know that almost everyone likes to eat. As parents, we have an obligation to provide the best food that we can for our children and I challenge anyone who is raising their children on ‘food’ from the ‘Golden Arches’ to ask themselves if that is the best that they can do or if that is the best that they want to do. Real food that is cooked at home costs less and much of it can be made ahead of time to end up being as fast if not faster than ‘fast food’ and cooking & eating it won’t kill you. Once again, you choose to have children, so you choose to provide them with food and they are kind of at your mercy on that one.


Sports/Music (et al) Practice: In general, we all are over scheduled and trying to cram yet another extracurricular obligation into our lives to add to our list of ‘look what we are doing’. Children don’t need scheduled stuff. They can have an interest in something and freely choose to take classes/practices/lectures/camps centered around their interests, but they don’t need their parents trying to impress grandma, neighbors, colleagues and possible future colleges with a laundry list of forced sports, dancing, instruments, clubs, scouts and community service time. Yes, we all want our children to be successful, but our definition of success and their definition might be worlds apart.


Parents & Children Separated Most of the Day: Unless a child is lucky enough to be with his parents constantly for his first 4 to 6 years before being sent off to daycare/school (and even if he was lucky), he longs for his parents, for love and for a home that is free from the oppression, rules and limits of school. Of course a younger child might be almost intolerably clingy in the evenings and on weekends. Parents are simultaneously full of relief that they are free of their children and guilty that their children are away…not realizing that it’s this constant separation that makes being with one another total hell. We miss out on so much when we aren’t with our children and this can play havoc on our conscience, not mention that we just don’t ‘know’ our children well enough to try and help them meet their needs when we miss out on the parts of their day that they are away plus when they are asleep. We are equipped poorly to deal with stressed out strangers. And let’s face it, it’s just not fun to be around people who are stressed out and boy are schooled children stressed out to the max! They leave school only to return to a traditional parenting home full of more oppression, limits, rules, punishment and so on.


Hurry, Rush, Cry, Beg, Bribe: Whether most people are willing to admit it or not, they equate a ‘good child’ with one who is not loud, always clean, uses social niceties, does exactly what you ask & when you ask and never behaves in a manner that you or society find ‘unacceptable’. This causes otherwise seemingly intelligent people to engage in odd & futile parental rituals of rewards, punishments & conditional love with their children — all in an attempt to produce to the world a ‘good child’ or rather a quiet, clean and blindly obedient shell of a child. If this is really how you think children should be, then please do your possible future children a favor…don’t have them, instead have a beta fish on your desk or some ivy in the bathroom. It is completely unnatural to view children like this and completely unreasonable to expect them to adhere to this misty-eyed made up picture of what a child should be.


Children are naturally messy, loud and oblivious of their impact on their environment* (furniture, wall & etc.) and naturally self absorbed to a degree.


 *an adult can stare off into space and unconsciously pick at the edge of a Formica counter top and when they wake up from their daydream, they tisk-tisk at themselves for picking at the counter and then find some glue or tape. When a (traditionally parented) child does it, they try to lie about it or hid it, because they will be punished for having no respect for their home and their parents’ hard work/time/money and when they are asked why they did it, they won’t have an answer, because they don’t know why they did it…they were oblivious to the fact that they were doing it.


Children are also oblivious of their impact (or not concerned with it) on other people when they are constantly punished for doing something ‘unkind’ or ‘unacceptable’ — the focus is on them and not the other person they effected. Their behavior then manifests into ‘how can I not get caught or punished?’ instead of ‘how will this effect others?’. I know first hand, as I was raised in a home that used all kinds of rules, limits, forced bedtimes, spanking, grounding and the like. My father always asked me, “do you just not think about anyone but yourself?” and it wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized that yes, I didn’t think about anyone but myself, because that’s who I was taught to focus on by finding ways around punishment and how it effected me. I was solely focused on what I wanted and not what others wanted or needed. I wasn’t taught empathy or respect for others, I was taught to be self centered, to seek out praise and to avoid punishment and I am still painfully unlearning it. Children have no reason to lie & sneak unless we lie to them or they are trying to deflect the effect of pain from punishment. Because many mainstream parents are self centered (often through no real fault of their own), they focus on how their children’s lives effect themselves and not how they are effecting their children’s lives…they expect their children adapt to them and do what they want, without them ever having to work with their children to find consensual ways to live together and because of this, they make both their children and themselves miserable and continue the cycle of self-centered humanity.


It is no wonder most mainstream parents find themselves chanting “I need time away from my child…”. I wouldn’t much want to be around a child or adult who is obliviously self centered; constantly stressed from the oppression of being forced into school or work they didn’t freely choose; stressed, oppressed and depressed from being controlled by others with rules, limits and punishments; having their natural curiosity and inclinations thwarted at every turn and being repeatedly told how dirty, loud, rude, messy and bad they are.


I find more and more that being a mindful/authentic/peaceful/radical unschooling parent is the best ‘couch therapy’ around. The commitment forces the parent to look deeply into themselves, to remember and assess their own childhood, to question their personal & social obligations & standards, to learn to fully take on the perspective of another human being and see that person’s life through his eyes, to embrace the empowerment of deschooling his own life and mind of what he’s been force fed and to trust that his children will learn what they need and when they need it. By committing oneself to this way of thinking and living, one finds that her world is huge, rich and crammed with options that she can freely choose, whereas before or instead she would be oppressed and limited by self imposed power struggles, undue stress, judgments and forever trying to live up to a perfection perspective that is both unnatural and unreasonable.


If more than anything, most parents need more time with their children (the children definately need the time with their parents) and time that is free of rules, judgments and punishments. Go take some time or make it by canceling that soccer practice that your daughter hates anyways or do something even more radical and let whether or not to go away to school be your children’s free choice and then figure out what you can do to make it work for your family’s situation. When there is nothing but freedom and unconditional love, there is always a way.



								
 


		

		

	



	
		
			

			
				I Just Did My Work			
		

		
	

		
			October 20, 2008		 in 
		
			Life, Parental, Religiosophy		 with 
		
			5 Comments		
	

	

		
			
							
		
		

			
I have to share with everyone ‘the work’ that I just accomplished thanks to myself, RaeDawn & Byron Katie. My last three posts (and many others) have been about my issues and prejudices about other parents and their parenting. I get it now. I can connect. I no longer have to feel isolated, because I no longer have to isolate myself. I have taken the walk down the road of the story that I had and now I am leaving that story behind. I had allowed myself & my child to be ‘dragged behind the truck’ of other parents & their actions.


I finally get it. I can finally feel and give the Love that I have always wanted others to feel & give. I have so much more to say, but it is hard for me to find the words to articulate my feelings. Love. Love is what I feel right now and this moment of clarity is profound.



								
 


		

		

	



	
		
			

			
				Isolation			
		

		
	

		
			October 18, 2008		 in 
		
			Parental, Religiosophy		 with 
		
			2 Comments		
	

	

		
			
							
		
		

			
Isolation is something that I have dealt with and that I am still dealing with…you can tell by the amount of hurt and anger that pours out and coats most of my posts that deal with other parents or parenting in general. I have a hard time dealing with all the negativity that I see/hear when I am out and about. I am always reminding myself to be positive and reminding those close to me to do the same, but when faced with the negativity of strangers or acquaintances, I find that I can only feel negativity in response. I know that it is a choice; I could take a step back and remind myself to find the positive or at least identify the reality before me.


In Naomi Aldort’s recent newsletter, she speaks about isolation and I swear that she wrote it just for me — obviously, she didn’t and I know this! I want to share it and leave a few comments.


 Reflections on Isolation


You are not alone in your parenting ways. We are all here together. And the parents who do it all differently are the same too, they just don’t know it yet. The illusion of separation hurts. If I look at a mother who yells at her child in the park and see her as ignorant and careless, I create my own isolation and pain. If, instead, I notice how she is at her wits’ end feeling helpless and out of control, I am with her. She is part of me. She is a mother in my  own movie, my own life. I have a mother here with me who is having a hard time, and a child who is hurting. How can I help? For my sake, because I want a kinder view for me and my children.


If I see garbage on the ground in the park I pick it up because I want it clean. If I see a yelling parent, I want a kind parent and child, so I help. I bring kindness into the world of that moment. I may validate or offer physical help if I can and if it is needed and welcomed. If I can’t help, I hold loving and validating thoughts toward the mother and child. Sometimes a loving and understanding eye contact will make the whole difference. In that split second, the mother connects with me, knowing she is not alone, not judged; she and I are a community. She may calm down and kindness may flow through her.


Often you call with issues of isolation. No one else sleeps with their children, let them be their own way etc. Let me tell you what I see; they want to, they just don’t know and their mind, like yours, is designed to defend their position. If you see them as separate, wrong, or stupid, you isolate yourself and exclude them from the possibility of love. It is the same as with the bragging. Remember when we talked about the concept of bragging and I suggested that my children are not mine, but ours to celebrate? The other side of it is that the parts of us that are not thriving are also all ours. Another parents is part of the whole. To create peace, all of us have to get their. We must take care of every mother and child.


Taking care does not mean intervention or judgment. Only inclusion and responsibility. She is part of me. I have in my community a hurting child and parent. I help or I hold my loving thoughts. It is like having pain in my arm. My arm is part of the body I see as me and I care for it. The upset mother is also part of my universe, to be taken care of – with love.


©Copyright Naomi Aldort

With love,

Naomi


Wow! Right, so that speaks volumes and resonates with so much that I feel inside, but I also feel as though modeling, making eye contact and friendly validation is just not working. I don’t feel better when I do these things, because it doesn’t stop the inequality, violence or punitive parenting…no, I don’t want everyone to be just like me and to parent just in all the ways that I strive for, but I want them to be peaceful, for the sake of everyone.


I feel like so many around me seem to NOT want to be ‘better’ and I have a difficult time explaining to my child over and over why so & so is being yelled at or why her mum is so mean (his words) and why she can’t do all the fun things he can do. It’s not only my isolation, but my child’s. He is free, but most others are not. It brings me great pain. I really want to be able to find that connection with all mothers, but so many have so much work still to do just to be able to see what is being modeled, to hear what is being validated and to reflect and make positive changes.


I also have a hard time with the fear others hold onto…the fear of doing things outside of traditional parenting. And this fear of them ‘losing’ — losing control…as if their children are theirs to ‘control’, manipulate and program. I want to share my joy and help others find their own, but I find that the baby-steps aren’t enough and the heaping on at full force just pisses others off…there are days when I truly believe that it is a hopeless fight.


Through all my client sessions, online chatting and parenting chats with others on the same path, I know that there is hope and I know that the growing number of parents who are wanting to make a change are taking steps and gathering information…I know that we are all connected and I do not feel an isolation from them (even when there are miles between us).


I have so much love inside of me and I try to remain as mindful as possible, but the pain builds and finally erupts into judgmental ugliness from time to time. I don’t like feeling that way. I don’t want to feel that way. I want to give and feel love.


Wishing my readers a peaceful night full of love.



								
 


		

		

	



	
		
			

			
				‘Good Enough’ Parenting			
		

		
	

		
			October 14, 2008		 in 
		
			Parental, Radical Unschooling, Religiosophy		 with 
		
			3 Comments		
	

	

		
			
							
		
		

			
Ah, choices in life…we have so many of them. Many of us in the unschooling world have been discussing how many parents choose NOT to be better parents, because they are already ‘good enough’. I really don’t understand the concept of ‘good enough’ parenting.


Kelly Lovejoy wrote in a post at unschoolingbasics:


 What always amazes me is when parents aren’t willing to be better parents.I get that folks generally (with exceptions) are doing the best theycan do at the time. At least the best they think they can do at the time.


It’s when they think that they can’t do/be better—that “good enough” is good enough—that’ s what blows my mind.


How can someone be a “good enough” parent? Why would that be a goal?


I *know* *I* can be better.


There are things that I do “well enough”—and I’m OK with them. Auto repair. I’m willing to pay someone for that! <g> I really don’t want to be more knowledgeable about my minivan. It’s OK. Really. Golf. It’s OK. Really! Plumbing. Mountain climbing. I don’t feel that I need to be better at any of those things. Really. <g>


I *like* being a better gardener, a better dog show judge, a better cook. Because I want to be better at these things, I work at them. If I didn’t care about getting better, I’d be happy with “good enough.”


Being a parent and a spouse are, *I* think, the two most important roles I’ll have. I can never be “good enough.”


Wise thoughts. I think it is important to not let perfection get in the way of progress when it comes to parenting. It’s unfair to have a goal of perfection, because then you spend your time focusing on how you are or are not reaching it (not that you ever will fully reach it). I find that it’s more important to focus on the moment…how could I make this moment the best it can be? I could yell, shame, cast judgment and so on for a behavior that I find unacceptable, I could say/do nothing or I could take a step back, assess how I (not those around me) really feel about the behavior, find a way to say ‘yes’ to it and then do my best to reach that goal. I could buy organic foods only when they are on sale or I could do my best to rearrange our buying, cooking & eating out habits to allow me to buy as much organic foods as possible all the time. I could decide to not attend a formal event so that my children wouldn’t have to to be under undue stress to ‘act right’ and I wouldn’t have to abuse my parental guidance by ‘making sure’ they ‘act right’. I could react as horrified when my child cuts his hair or I could help him finish the job and then style it.


It’s not only me who has these choices, it’s ALL parents, regardless of what circumstances they find themselves in — their choices might not be glorious around every corner, but there is always at least two choices in any situation. Why not choose the one that is better for everyone, the one that is more liberating for everyone, the one that honors the most autonomy and uses the least force?



								
 


		

		

	


	 
					

	

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