Natural Attachment

First, you ask what exactly is a meme?

Second, what is the ultimate parenting meme? “We all have to do what is good/right for our family” or ” We all have the right to parent the way that works best for our family” or “Every parent gets to decide what is right for their children/family” and similar still, “What works for one family will not always work for another”. These (and many other similar memes) all have the same theme or idea, which is for one parent to butt out of or not judge another parent’s choices when it comes to raising their children, because ultimately, they have the final say on how things are going to be in their family/house.

All too often this meme is loudly repeated by mainstream/traditional parents who feel threatened, judged or even guilty about their parenting choices. It’s understandable for someone to come to their own defense when they are questioned, challenged or when negative things are spoken about how they parent. Of course, we all differ in ideologies and how we put them into practice, but what I want to talk about in regards to this meme, are the children at the heart of this all.

There appears to be some characteristics of those who preach our beloved meme. Some range from the extreme, they really don’t want to be parents & do not like children, to not believing children have a say or are deserving of mutual respect or acceptance, on further still to the ever present, ultimately, I am the parent and I know what is best and I will call the shots. Many of these people seem to be greatly inconvenienced about the fact that they are parents and that children do/say certain things, which can lead to a person being inconvenienced. Many of these parents also feel that if something looks good from the outside, then it must be working and not harboring any ill effects. After all, if it ain’t broke why in the hell would you go and try to fix it? Children have an amazing capacity to cope with less than ideal circumstances. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.

Frankly, it does take more time, more effort and more patience to be a gentle, accepting, non-punitive, non-authoritarian/permissive and a zen-like parent — even more so, if you are blessed with a spirited or indigo child. If we really want to turn this planet around and be taken care of by loving, accepting & understanding people, well, we have to treat them that way when they are babes. One of the main differences I notice is where the parents’ perspective is coming from and how they view children in general.

A traditional/mainstream parent sees a child’s actions from the parental eye and does not usually try to empathize with the child through its own perspective. Children do what they need to do, it is up to the parent to decode the child’s actions/words and understand the meaning and their motivation behind them. Here is an example:

parent: holding child’s infant sibling & nursing
child: throws block at siblings head & causes her/him to cry
mainstream parent: scolds child, says ‘no’, ‘we don’t hit’ or ‘bad child’ and comforts infant — possibly use of more punitive actions such as spanking (hitting to send the message not to hit!), time-out, threats or even throwing the block back at the child.
child: cries…hits again…screams…stomps off…any number of things trying to communicate that their messages are not being received.

or

parent: holding child’s infant sibling & nursing
child: throws block at siblings head & causes her/him to cry
parent: says (while comforting baby), ‘I do not want you to hit the baby, because it causes him pain & could seriously hurt him. I can see you must be really angry to hit the baby’.
child: [verbal] says, ‘I don’t like all the attention the baby is getting’ or ‘I need time with/to talk with you’ [non-verbal] child will crawl into parent’s lap & snuggle…sit next to parent…put arms up to be hugged or picked up…any of these could be accompanied with crying. Scenario continues with the parent actively listening to the child until the moment is consensually resolved and everyone has released their stress & anger.

Which parent are you? Which parent do you wish you were? Which parent do you think is ‘right’? I know some of you are thinking, ‘yeah, but I don’t care why the child hits the baby, he should know better than to do it & I am not going to keep my cool enough to talk-it-out’. We place an awful lot of assumptions & demands on children don’t we?

We say that children ought, should & shouldn’t do/say things all the time. Instead of worrying about what they should or shouldn’t be doing, we might accept the idea that they are doing what they need to do in the moment and then figure out why they did it. Once we know why, we can prevent it from needing to happen. Are you serious? Yes and so is Naomi Aldort!

Another issue that keeps arising is a child’s autonomy. The mainstream parents who use trainers’ methods of rewards/punishments to control a child or coerce him to behave in a certain way that is acceptable to the parent is doing her best to suppress autonomy. As most parents of teenagers know, this method of parenting backfires or fails once the child is a teenager and starts to reclaim & express his autonomy — ‘we’ like to call this ‘rebellion’. I left the following quote in a comment here:

“It doesn’t have to be a win/lose situation. If one is going to offer options/choices, then they have to be able to accept that every once in a while, the answer will just be a plain ‘no…none of those will work for me’. Otherwise, you really are not offering any real choices…only those that suite *your* case.

Autonomy is not something we ‘allow’, it’s something that is always there and will be expressed whether we like it or not. The choice is ours as to whether or not we want to honor another person’s being, work with them and find a win/win solution. If we choose not to function like this, then we choose to deal with tantrums, fits, aggression, violence, lying and so forth — these are all desperate attempts at asserting one’s autonomy when s/he feels oppressed.”

Children do what they need to do in the moment…often times parents don’t actively listen until a child’s autonomous expression is very extreme, all hell has broken loose and everyone is breaking down.

The post that comment is from mentioned the parent owning the house and paying for things in the house…this reminds me of the ‘guest phenomenon’. As a whole, society tends to favor guests over children — with the exception of children who are guests. When we have guests, we usually invite them into our homes or at the very least accept their arrival. We take into consideration their dietary preference & do not expect them to eat certain foods or certain amounts of foods. We do not shame, punish them or ‘cut off’ privileges for accidents, such as spilling soda on the couch. We do not tell/force them to go to bed. We go out of our way to make them feel accepted, loved and to understand their needs so that they can be met. We even do this with children who are guests in our homes, but most mainstream parents wouldn’t begin to consider treating their own children in such a manner. Our children are our house guests.

Spiritual ideas/debates aside, children do not choose to be born, we invite them into our lives and our homes. Children are not selective eaters or clumsy while carrying sodas to make our lives miserable or to manipulate us. Children are able to listen to their body’s messages about hunger and sleep needs. Children are living in a home that no, they didn’t buy or work hard to decorate, but they are in the space (without much of a choice either) and should be afforded the comforts & rights as everyone else sharing the space and have the environment arranged so that they can actually LIVE in the space — we would have no issues rearranging and altering our homes for elderly parents or disabled family members who were coming to live with us. What is worse about this ‘house guest’ phenomenon is that not only do many of us treat guests better than our children, but we often treat the family dog/cat better than our own children.

Why do we treat children like second class citizens and why do we find that we can continue to do so, because everything is ‘working for us’? We feel we are entitled to do whatever we want and no one can pass judgment or offer criticisms, because we are still trying to reclaim our autonomy. We are still rebellious teenagers who don’t want our parents telling us how to live. We also find ourselves without the tribe or village there to help and show us the way…we are doing it by ourselves and most mums (as primary caregiver) are even more isolated. Our parents did such & such to us and we still turned out alright (so will our children). But, are you really alright? Wouldn’t you like to be better than alright and surely, don’t we all want our children to be more than just alright…don’t we want them to have better than us?

We are raised in a culture that does everything in its power to separate the child from the parent. We demand that children become independent and separate from us at an early age. They must learn to sleep by themselves, to be a ‘good’ baby and to ‘mind/listen’ to us. We have bottles, formula, cribs, swings, nannies & sitters, early childhood education, tv programming for babies, crying-it-out, classes for tots, little/no leave from work, unpaid leave from work, put the baby down now - it has to learn, baby monitors and so on & so on. Everything we are sold/told is yet another device, sevice or method to keep us from our children, from physically being there, from getting to learn who they are and we wonder why when they are teenagers, we have no idea who they are. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.

Back to the meme. “It’s working for me/us, so butt out”. Is it really working or only on some days and under the right circumstances? Will it still work when your child realizes that she is her own person and autonomy rears its face? Children are the barometers of the family and they are like holding up a mirror to ourselves — if they are having ‘fits’, we must be having them too. Why is it so hard for people to make the same concessions for children that they make for adults?  We do not like children. Rather, we do not like autonomous children, children with a voice, children who are felt, seen & heard. We expect them to ‘behave‘ the way we want and when we want them to. Mainstream parents do not seem to understand the merit in meeting our children halfway, finding win-win solutions and finding ways to accept them as they are without trying to change them. We are raised in a culture that glorifies and almost requires instant gratification — there is nothing instant when it comes to authentic or gentle parenting. It appears to be easier to use our assigned authority, our psychological size and our physical size to coerce or manipulate our children and their behavior.

Is it really ‘working’? The following is a snippet of a conversation from an online forum that I belong to (names have been removed on purpose). It is in regards to unschooling, but as you know, radical or whole life unschoolers do not see a demarcation between parenting and education. Bracketed words are mine.

 sounds like it’s working for your family.? and he’s satisfied with what you’re doing.? how could that not be the “correct” way??

**************************************************************

This is a general comment, not related to the specific topic (or poster!) but to the ideas in the statement above.
It’s possible for things to be “working” in a family where the kids are just going along with what mom and dad want, because its easier or because the kids are natural people-pleasers [or out of fear of punishment]. That doesn’t mean parents are being respectful in the sense of striving to understand the kids’ perspectives, and value those perspectives.
Its possible for kids to be satisfied when parents have managed to make the world small. Kids have an amazing capacity to make the best of things! Unschooling is about making the world big and broad and exciting for out kids - because kids want to learn about everything!

Mainstream parents are not buying this! I’m sure some might be familiar with this set up and conversation:

Friend: how is soccer going for Sarah?
Parent: Oh, good. She’s made captain.
F: Does she enjoy it still after all these years?
P: Oh, sure, she’s happy.
F: Have you asked her if she’s happy, if she still wants to play?
P: No (or, what kind of a question is that). Should I, she seems happy & hasn’t asked to quit.

This conversation could go on for awhile and take some turns. Sarah seems happy, so why ask her and risk finding out that she’s in fact not happy, hates soccer and wants to quit or that she really likes soccer, but not this team anymore or she needs more help with practice than you are willing to give out? Why? Because, you want to be respectful, accepting and helpful in guiding Sarah to be her best and to find/develop her passions in life. Yes, this is necessary and not just once children reach a certain age…it starts at birth. You can’t make Sarah like soccer, but if she does, you can help her get as much enjoyment out of it as possible. Sarah might not like the fact that you decided to have a baby after all these years of her being the only child…it’s your place to help her cope and find ways to make sure everyone feels loved, appreciated and respected.

We also make so many of our parenting decision based on what we think others will say about us. Without thinking about how we really feel about a behavior, we pass judgment, correct, stop and coerce a child, because someone else might think or say something negative about us. It’s always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children.

You can’t wear your costume; we are going out in public.
I can’t hold the baby all the time or people will think she’s spoiled.
We can’t co-sleep, because the baby might never leave our bed.
No, you can’t dye your hair purple, grandmother will have a fit.
You have to sit in service and not go play on the playground.
You have to share.
Brush your hair, clean your face and tuck your shirt in.
What will people say about us when they find out you have your navel pierced?

And this list keeps going and going…is ever expanding to make up reasons why some kind of action is not allowed. What is more important, how happy & fulfilled our children are or what someone might say about us? I know those happy children when I see them…they often have chocolate and or marker smears on their faces, disheveled hair, smiling faces, mismatching socks and are carrying around a trick-or-treat pumpkin in July! This doesn’t mean that happy kids can’t be clean and neat, but rarely are they clean and neat without parental input or coercion.

Do we have the right to speak out against parental practices that are punitive, coercive, not respectful and those which do not honor the child as a whole person? Yes. Actually, we have a duty to bring information to light to break the cycle of traditional parenting. Our friends, colleagues, family, acquaintances and so on, come to us on a regular basis to ask our advice on parenting, to compare notes or to use us as a sounding board for their decisions. Those moments are the time to impart ideas, change minds and share your joy. Pointing out how a parent is treating their child and how that treatment relates to the issues they are having or trying to avoid can be very eye opening and transforming. Often times we just can not stop listening to those old tapes running in our heads and we need someone to step in and remind us of what kind of parent we want to be. Of course, mainstream parents do not like to be told that what they are doing isn’t respectful of their children and might actually be causing more harm in the long run…no one wants to be told this, but many of us aren’t very good at changing until we’ve become upset and have been given cause to reflect on just what we are doing versus what we want to be doing.

This wasn’t really meant to be so long or to be such a rant, but it happened. People continue to amaze me with how narrowly they view parenting, like it is not connected to everything else, like our decisions now do not effect the future. Parenting choices seem to be always about us, me, we, I and rarely if ever about the children. Maybe it is just my neo-hippie ass and my beatnik baby, but I want to be mindful of the entire process, the whole picture and not just what is right in front of me. In the meantime, I will continue to be respectful towards and accepting of my child, because it’s working for he and I.

For more information on things relevant to this rant:

Consensual Living
Authentic Parenting (video)
Parenting Peacefully
Effective Parenting
Living Joyfully
Radical Unschooling

If you want book recommendations, let me know.

We went to the Andy Warhol Museum and the Weekend Art Factory in its basement. We played with Legos, made stained ‘glass’ pictures (loving E’s ’share the road’ sign on his), screen printed and had fun goofing off in the photo booth.

We bused across town for Oh Yeah! ice cream again…this time for breakfast (okay, so really it was late enough to be considered lunch)! On the walk over from our bus stop, I caught a picture of a friendly alien…he lives near Highland and Baum, right next to Abay. When we left Oh Yeah!, we decided to go eat tasty food at none other than Tasty!

The kiddo and I walked around downtown, visited Point State Park for the first time and walked around down by the river for about three hours.

There was watercolour painting at dusk in the driveway. William painted a robot, Elijah got abstract on a piece of cardboard and I painted an anglerfish.

E & I played at War Memorial Park (which had a creek, totally cool) with new radical unschooling friends! Afterwards he and I ate dinner downtown at the Backstage Bar by Katz Plaza and I had to take a picture of the sign that is posted.

Should your child (or mine) *have to* share? No.

Do you or I *have to* share? No.

I’ve been thinking this idea over for some time now and I’ve felt pulled both ways for various reasons. I’ve spent the last few months trying to keep my mouth shut when Elijah and I are with other people and their children. When E and a friend start to argue over the use or ownership of a toy. I was more interested in what the other adults had to say and thought to do, rather than what the children might end up doing.

Believe me it is hard to keep your mouth shut, especially when you get the feeling that the other parent is drilling holes into your head with his/her eyes, because you are not ‘making’ your child share. Somehow, I have made it through this with all my wits still together.

Because I respect my son’s feelings, personal autonomy and of course his personal belongings, I don’t ‘make’ him share. If something is his (meaning it belongs to him, was purchased by or for him, etc.) then he has the right to share or not share it and to do so with or without a reason — that reason need not be ‘acceptable’ to anyone but himself either.

I know that I have said no to my friends on plenty of occasions when they’ve asked to borrow something. I’ve always been respected and no one has even tried to make me feel awkward or shameful for not lending or giving something out. Does my son or your children not deserve this same social arrangement, respect of personal property and autonomy?

In my search online to find other parents’ ideas about sharing and whether or not it really is caring, I found a wonderful article by Ela Forest (majikfaerie) and in it Ela speaks about how she handles sharing with her daughter Sequoia Littletree. The article sums up exactly how I feel about the subject. Enjoy.

Yesterday, we bus hopped to hang out with friends we haven’t seen in awhile. There was fighting, bickering and arguing, as to be expected. There were cars, planes and trains, as to be expected.

Elijah was more interested in the baby’s toys than anything else, I think! Well, actually, there was some scheming by the boys — they were making plans for a sleepover in the near future.

I got to see the adorable and yumm–ily sweet baby girl Banyan (and her mum, Courtney), who I got the pleasure of being midwife to at her birth.

There was crafting of sorts with Dore (he is sporting the best ever vest!), which consisted of using scissors, tape, markers and wooden trains. Poor guy is all blinded by my super bright flash

It was a happy day, if you subtract all the traffic we encountered when our friends drove us back home all the way across the city

On Tuesday we left daddy home so that he could get some extra sleep and get some music done. We hoped on the bus and headed to the Central Northside a.k.a Mexican War Streets. First, we skipped through a community garden close to where we hoped off the bus and then we ran into Beleza and grabbed a vegan turnover and something to sip on. Elijah found a puzzle on the bookshelf that amazingly enough had all its pieces! We ran across the street from Beleza to another little garden-y spot to look around.

Next we walked over to The Mattress Factory [an art museum] and got to see its new exhibits — Inner & Outer Space. We also got to see its new expanded location just a couple doors down. We spent the majority of our time out in the garden at the museum. Elijah likes to run around the ‘urban lanscaping’, which is basically the remnants of what was once a house, but now only bits of its basement and steps exist. There is also a pretty neat little water feature, complete with a little waterfall.

After we left the museum, we walked over to the Old Allegheny Community Gardens for a look-see. Sorry, no pictures of the community gardens, but believe me when I tell you that everyone’s lot looks wild and fantastic and there are LOTS of huge sunflowers everywhere!

Today, we meet up with a family that we ran into at the park last week. Elijah and the little girl get on with one another quite well. The mum and I exchanged numbers and made plans to meet up today so the the kiddos could play. I got to meet the dad today and he’s a cool & fun guy. The mum is really nice, an artist and someone who likes to hang out at The Moose. It’s nice to finally meet someone nearby, who is fun to be around and who doesn’t take this parenting gig so damn seriously! They aren’t homeschoolers, but they are awesome. Bella, the daughter, and E have fun together and that’s what it’s all about. We’re going to hang out with them again at their house in Manchester next week one evening. I kind of forgot about taking pictures of them, but I did snap a couple of Elijah dancing at the park before Bella and family arrived. ~~Elijah just informed me that he wasn’t dancing, but that he was being ‘king of all the trees’…so there you go~~

This afternoon, after we both had a nap, because we got up so freaking early to go to the park, E made a race track for some vehicles and I was on the ball with the camera.

Then we ‘had to’ walk over to Rite Aid and get some more pretzels and check out their popcorn selection. I snapped a picture of the kiddo goofing off in the driveway.

We’ve had a good couple of days, filled with people, places, some creativity and lots of online computer games

This post is for Ren’s September Blog Carnival over at Radical Unschoolers’ Network.

“That’s our topic for September…natural learning.
Some ideas (but anything that inspires you on this topic is fair game!):

~How did you, as the parent, start to see the learning in everything?
~If your children went to school, how did they respond to letting go of the subject idea and learn to trust their interests?
~Show your family learning joyfully without the baggage of subjects.
~Talk about the rich and varied learning that happens when you don’t try to separate the world into individual,tidy boxes.”

When did I stop thinking about life in terms of ’subject areas’? Once I tried to shove everything into them for a solid week. It became blindingly obvious after just a couple days that everything we do leads to learning something and almost everything we do covers at least two subject areas if not all of them! I stuck with it though and finished an entire week of the nonsense and then wised up to reality. Thankfully, I learned my lesson way before I ‘have to’ report to anyone on the matter…now I am prepared, because I am living life.

We’ve found that our lives do not conform to or fit neatly into tick boxes labeled: mathematics, science, language arts, history and so forth. It is both extremely difficult and artificial to try and label our life moments accordingly. We are learning all the time. Everything we do causes us to explore ideas, use or develop skills and make meaningful connections to the bigger picture of our existence. Our ‘classroom’ has no artificial boundaries, forced agendas or cute bulletin boards. Our ‘classroom’ is our life — the life WE lead.

When I have a conversation with someone, even a traditionally schooled child, I don’t ask them what they did for math or science today.  I ask them if they enjoyed their hike in the woods, mention that I heard they baked their own birthday cake or I ask them about the comic books they are reading. I ask them their feelings on something that has happened in their family, community or the world. We talk about our ideal vacation spots or what kind of food we could eat forever. Sometimes when I am talking to a person, they might mention something that inspires me to try something new - to learn about something. Which of these things is not learning? Isn’t baking math and science and even social studies and history when food relates to specific cultures or time periods? Is reading not reading, regardless of the materials chosen? When did we stop living and start dissecting the joy right out of life, by over analyzing every aspect of what we do?

I know many friends around the world who have to cram their lives into these very subjective tick boxes in order to satisfy their local homeschooling laws. While it might be difficult and artificial to do recite all that we have done in any particular subject area, I can offer tons of examples of major and minor learning and exploring moments that are relative to areas of life and living — the subjects that each of us relate to on a daily basis. These could be labeled as: listening, reading, watching, creating, doing, visiting/exploring, writing and playing.

When reflecting back over the day, week, month or year and trying to fulfill law requirements, it seems so much more natural and authentic to use these alternative ’subject areas’. Instead of trying to remember everything and then cramming it into educationese, list off books that were read; letters, stories & emails that were written; clothes or costumes that were made, handmade birthday cards and nature collages; altering recipes, house remodeling/repairs & experiments with dry ice; touring the capital building, volunteering at a local preschool and weekly romps at the children’s museum; building forts, mud pits and fairy house; playing house, never ending games of chess and taking apart the computer (’just because’)…these are all things that kids have done or will do in their daily life, if they are given the freedom to do them and if they are included in life just like all of the adults who surround them. You can still go back over this list and grab out examples of math or history and so on to satisfy even the pickiest of homeschooling laws. When you treat it this way, you are less likely to be worrying about whether or not you covered math today or worse, you won’t be tempted to try and plan anything to specifically stamp it with a subject area! Just live life and pause often to think back over all the fun and exciting things you have done.

When you allow yourself and your children the freedom to live ‘real’ lives, then fantastic things happen spontaneously and have so much more meaning than when you try to cut everything up and make a diagram of every moment. You will enjoy yourself and your children so much more when you take that family vacation to Washington, DC and you have fun and enjoy yourself, instead of trying to fit as much ‘history’ or ‘citizenship’ into the mix — how could one visit Washington, DC and not learn about some of those things?

I love watching E spontaneously think up an idea for some crazy experiment or how he’ll add in little bits of information about topics while we are talking — I usually have no idea where/how he ‘learned’ these bits, but that does not matter. The best moments are when I see him making connections; how he realizes that everything and everyone is connected. He’s a imaginative kid and I’d hate to take that away from him. Thanks to him and his imagination, I have been able to rekindle my own imagination. Living life as though school (or any of its trappings) does not exist, is so free, joyful, organic and rewarding.

This afternoon we ran around Bellvue, PA and headed over to the coffeeshop, but it was closed until later in the day — oops! mum forgot about!

That’s right, a cruise to Bermuda for Unschoolers and their friends and family!

What are you going to do…

…with your tax return next year? William, Elijah and I know what we are going to do with ours. We are going to spend 5 nights on a cruise ship leaving port from the New York Harbor and heading out to Bermuda. We’ll be on this cruise ship surrounded by families, which many have become good friends with us through the internet and in real life. What do all these families have in common with us? They are all Unschooling families; they are all raising free and unschooled children.

What better way to spend time than with us on a family cruise and be able to fully immerse yourself into the daily interactions of families living in harmony with one another and following along with their children’s passions in life. The cruise will have all the usual trappings of  Royal Caribbean cruises, is only for Unschoolers and their friends and family and will have Unschooling conference lectures and discussion panels — all of the lectures/discussions are optional.

We would love it if you could come on this cruise with us. We think it would be a fantastic family vacation and a way for you to learn heaps about how we live our lives.

Here’s the website for the cruise with all pertinent information: http://www.unschoolingontheseas.com
You will need a current Passport for this adventure: http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/get_840.html

And if you’re interested in reading more about Unschooling:
http://www.naturalattachment.com/wordpress/category/education/radical-unschooling-education/ (my blog posts specifically about unschooling)
http://sandradodd.com/seeingit
http://www.borntoexplore.org/unschool/whatis.htm
http://www.borntoexplore.org/unschool/Uncurriculum.htm
http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/unschooling/unschoolingphilosophy.html

I just finished listening to Sarah Parent’s podcast on unschooling sleep, which was great. I wanted to talk briefly about unschooling and sleep while it is fresh in my mind.

I think one of the most asked questions I get from mainstream parents is, ‘how do you get your son to sleep that long?’ or ‘…to sleep until XXX?’ My quick answer is always, ‘I don’t force him to bed at 7pm (or any arbitrary time).’ This seems like sound logic to me. The question askers either admit that it is crazy to be doing the insane things they do to try and force their kiddos to bed at 7, 8 and 9pm, just to turn around and bitch about having to wake up at 5am with them — Or they complain that they would never get anything done, or have free time/sex time or just fill in the blank with whatever-you-want-time!

Sometimes the people doing the asking have kids in daycare/school or are planning on having them enrolled in one of those in the near future and they can’t see how respected sleep cycles and structured institutions can mesh well. Well, they don’t mesh well. Yet another reason to add to your list of pros and cons when deciding whether or not to force your children into a setting they might not want to be in…especially when you have options (I didn’t say stress-free options) to not ‘have to’ force them into school/daycare. How important is subjecting a child to school, if they can’t even have freedom when it comes to their personal body and cycles? Maybe there are those out there who don’t see it as forcing, because they just see school as ‘unavoidable’, so their kids just have to get used to it.

Do you enjoy or would you enjoy someone else informing you when you are tired and when to go to bed? Are you currently in a situation where you ‘have to’ go to bed at a certain time, because you ‘have to’ get up at a certain time? Thankfully, children don’t ‘have to’ go to school.

Up until this last year & a half, I know that I was like most parents when it came to bed time. I rarely forced my son to bed, but it was clear that when I chose the time (which was not consistent) that was it. Now, unlike most parents, we are co-sleepers (only part-time since about 2 1/2 years ago) and I would have never let Elijah ‘cry-it-out’. I usually laid there with him until he fell asleep. It was still coercion, but better than most. Now, it’s been more of, ‘Now is the time for me to read to you, if you want me to read and for daddy & I to have some time alone. You can quietly play your Leapster or read/play in your room until you go to sleep. Here’s some water, a snack and some love.’

Does that mean I don’t still have nights where I am about to cry or scream, because E is so tired that he’s fighting it with every ounce of his body? No. But, I try to remember that it will pass and I try to help him get what he needs so that he can calm down inside. Trial and error some nights, but most are quite uneventful.

I know in the past on this blog someone mentioned in the comments that their child wasn’t able to regulate their own sleep cycles, because when the commenter ‘let’ her do it, she stayed up for many days in a row with no sleep and didn’t eat well and etc. Apparently, she ended up getting really sick. Now, I don’t know all the factors involved with this particular situation, but it sounds like what I have heard described by several parents as to what happened to them during the de-schooling or unschooling of sleep period with their children. Their children went from having bedtime be this truly painful event to completely rebelling against it, pushing past physically acceptable boundaries and then they did eventually come back down to their own autonomous sleep cycles. They were only able to find their own cycles, because their parents guided & supported them through this de-schooling period. Ridding one’s life of forced and coerced traditions, cycles and experiences is often painful, debilitating and scary as hell.

I have some more links to share with you about sleep, children and unschooling:
Sandra Dodd on Sleeping
Sandra Dodd on Bedtimes
What do you mean no bedtimes?

What are your thoughts on sleep? Do you have problems with sleep now as an adult, because of how sleep with forced on you as a child? Are you struggling through the rebellious de-schooling part of unschooling sleep?

After the positive response to the last ‘week in review’ blog that I posted (loaded with lots of pictures & very few words), I present you with another week of awesome-ness!

Peek-A-Boo (how could you not love this face?!)

E & I spent an afternoon at Affogato (the big red ‘a’), drinking coffee, running around in the yard & taking each other’s pictures (even upside down).

We played on our balcony with our new Robot Pencil Sharpener & posed for camera-ham pictures!

Finally got a picture of the mysterious toy horse that has some how found its way up on top of the building right next to our bus stop by the house…s/he appeared early this Spring and has survived many storms…we think s/he might have been glued down!

We finally tried out Oh Yeah!, where we got to gorge on VEGAN ice cream!!! Oh, and we also found where Waldo was hiding!

We ran around East Liberty and Downtown late at night, practicing our balance beam skills, trying out new bus routes and romping around ‘eyeball park’ (Katz Plaza).

I think we had a great time! What filled your week?